L'amour...blah

So, I turn 32 in a little less than a month (YES! Jenn and I are the same age for um..a month..ha!) Having reached this ripe old age lends itself to some self reflection. Something that keeps coming up and won't leave me alone is the "why are you still single" question. Please believe me, if I knew the answer to this question I WOULD TELL YOU! Now, don't get me wrong-I'm actually in a much better place than I have ever been before when it comes to this ol' love thing. In fact, I'm feeling so rational about it now that I'd like to tell myself about it. So, here you have it. A letter to myself, at various ages, going backwards through the awkward annals of my ill fated crushes and awkward dates:

Dear 28-29 year old Shawna,

You are showing great character by the person you have chosen to fix your affections on, but believe me when I say this-he is not the right one for you. It turns out it was more being in the right place at the right time (or, wrong time wrong place, really), that you even fell for him. Believe me when I say this--you WILL get over him, and you will actually be happy for him when he finds the right one, and marries her. Trust me


Dear 25-26ish year old Shawna,

What on earth were you thinking? He is not right for you, and you thank God now for letting you dodge that bullet.


Dear 20-21 year old Shawna,

Wow, this one was tough, but I promise you that you will get over it and be happy to be friends with him, to this day. Really.

Dear 18 year old Shawna,

Okay, that was awkward-you thought you were hanging out with just a friend and he showed up in a tie. Don't laugh at him, and try and have a good time. And, well-good call on not going out with him again. Really.



Dear 11 year old Shawna (yes, it was a long, dry spell),

Please keep on being excited about being asked to the 6th grade dance by that boy. Even though you found out the next day at school that you were like, 5th on the list of people he called and asked. (Wow, those catty 6th grade girls words still sting to this day). Although you weren't his first choice, you still could have had a good time, but you let your pride get in the way. You will continue to wonder whatever happened to that guy, and wish him well, even if you weren't his first choice.



Dear 10 year old Shawna,

Charlie is just your class buddy, do not try and have a dance with him at the 5th/6th grade dance. It will not go well.

p.s. that leah girl is after him too


Dear 10 year old Shawna,

You will continue to carry a love for Vincent of the tv show Beauty and the Beast. He's a good catch--a romantic, a poet, a protector..and, well, yes he also happens to be a teensy bit like a lion. This is okay. He only kills the ones that threaten you! On the other hand, Commander Riker of the Starship Enterprise is a good alternative..again, good choice. All he has to do is get over his thing with Counselor Troi and you're right in there.



So, there you have it...my romantic history. I've never actually dated anyone and most of my 'dates' have been unintentional and/or weird. I'm hoping that since the rest of my life sucks right now (yes, still unemployed although I do have an interview today) that something will give and the right man will fall into my path. Wherever that path may be.

Coming soon....my adventures in the weird world of online dating!

So, It's Been a Week...

and I'm feeling better.

mostly.


I have my moments.


Sometimes I hesitate to write what I'm feeling on here, thinking that it might be 'too much', or 'too raw', but then I would be lying to everyone. I hate being lied to so I don't think it's fair for me to lie to you. I felt better that night after some prayer and having lots of people pray for me, and I'm taking steps towards what I hope will be gainful employment, they're just agonizingly S L O W steps. Ay yi yi.

Anyways, I don't really have any news on that front right now other than I have another interview of sorts this weekend, so prayers would be appreciated! It's for a part time job that I think would be really cool, AND a welcome financial addition to my current income. If I could work the church job playing piano, this part time job, and also pick up a few vocal students, then I might be okay--for a bit anyways! I have a few more employment opportunities of the full time sort that might be more of a 'down the road' kind of thing. See what I mean by slow?

In the meantime, "Working", the show I was in, closed this weekend. We had a great run and I really loved the experience. I'm contemplating auditioning for one more show before those long term employment opportunities come along, but--the show is kind of far away--and..I don't want it to interfere w/my part time job possibility. So, I just might let that show go. There'll be other shows for other times. You can't do it all, you know?


I went to see "Up" today and oh my word, I loved it. I cried, I laughed, I cried again, and then I laughed again. It was a great story, and I hope everyone gets a chance to see it. I love that AMC has $5 admissions Mon-Thurs, it really saves me alot of money.

Of course, when seeing a movie there are a few things that always tend to annoy me. So, here's a letter to the offending parties:

Dear Lady with Two Small Children Not Yet Old Enough to Sit Through a Whole Movie,

I'm so glad that you got the chance to come out, but I really do not enjoy watching a movie with your kids constantly running up and down the aisles, calling to each other, 'whispering' to each other (have you heard a toddler whisper? I think it's louder than their normal speaking voice), whine for "THEIR" popcorn, and make a general nuisance and commotion of themselves. But I guess I should have been thankful because when you finally gave up and left halfway through the movie (hooray!), I hadn't realized that you were distracting me from an even worse offender. So,

Dear PISTACHIO NUT EATER FAMILY,
O M G. Why, out of all of the snacks in the ENTIRE world, did you choose to bring PISTACHIO NUTS to enhance your movie experience (and therefore practically ruin mine)?!?!? Not only did I get the joy of hearing you crack them open with your teeth, I also got to hear the awesomeness of the discarded shell hitting your makeshift garbage tray in the seats next to you. I would like to thank you because previous to this experience I thought that having someone pop their chewing gum was the the worst possible thing to hear in a movie theater. You proved that there's something even more especially heinous in nature. Shame on you!


Sincerely Concerned about the Future of Movie Theater Etiquette,
Shawna

Stay tuned readers....I have another blog coming up in just a jiffy. That's right! It's a two blogs in one day kind of day!

So, the black hole is winning again...

I thought I was down before, but now I actually feel physically depressed. As in, something is pressing down on me, preventing me from feeling happy or joyous about anything. It's like a physical force that is controlling me mentally as well as spiritually and physcially. In order to figure out why I was feeling this way I decided to look up depression on dictionary.com and this is what was written:

de⋅pres⋅sion  [di-presh-uhn] Show IPA
–noun
1. the act of depressing.
2. the state of being depressed.
3. a depressed or sunken place or part; an area lower than the surrounding surface.
4. sadness; gloom; dejection.
5. Psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. Compare clinical depression.
6. dullness or inactivity, as of trade.
7. Economics. a period during which business, employment, and stock-market values decline severely or remain at a very low level of activity.

I would say that definitions 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, or 7 could be definitions of my life at this very moment. For some reason I'm just really going over in my mind all of the failed job opportunities that have come about in the last five months. Five months of rejection can really get to you. The one that's really smarting right now is the SEO (search engine optimization) company. I keep going over the interviews in my mind, wondering where I went wrong or what I could have said to make them go with me instead of "another candidate" as they so coldly wrote in their email of rejection to me.

I see no point in getting out of bed in the morning.

I try to fill my day with things that are useful, or 'fun', but most days-I'd rather just be asleep.

I have no health insurance, so I can't even seek help with how I'm feeling by talking to a professional.

I'm disappointing friends who count on me.

I take no joy or pride in having earned a Master's degree.

I only have enough money in the bank to pay my bills through 'maybe' July.

I feel down. and so low. I thought I would get better with a friend visiting me this past weekend, but now that she's left I feel even worse.

Please take this blog for what it's worth-I'll probably feel better tomorrow. But, for the 21 of you who have sometime visited here--just pray for me, please.

wishin', and hopin', and dreamin'..and prayin'

So, I just filled out yet another application. This one is for something I'm not even remotely qualified for (except that I have a master's degree) so--TAKE THAT all you people who call me OVER QUALIFIED!!! =)

Seriously though--this would mean a major life change so it's scary to me. And exciting. I'll post more about it when I can!

So, I saw "Wicked" again today...

lol..yeah. I did. No judging! You're just jealous! Or maybe you're not--but I don't care. I got to see "Wicked" again!

They're doing a lottery thing, just like they do in NYC. Basically you show up 2.5 hours before the showtime, turn in your name and how many tickets you want, wait til 2 hours before showtime and then they draw names. There are only 10 sets of tickets (20 tickets total) so that's a limit of 2 per person, paid only with cash ($25) and a valid photo id. There was a show at 1pm today so I figured my chances were good to get in..and boy was I right. I was the only one there til about 10:45 (I got there at 10:15, I think we've established my dorkiness), when only one other person showed up. Anyways, while I was waiting a woman and a young man approached me, asking if I was waiting for the lottery. I said I was and she was like..GREAT! Would you mind going on tv? I was like..ummm...what? Apparently our local news (Channel 13) was doing a story on the lottery and they were afraid no one was going to show up at all since it was a strange time for a show! So they interviewed me, asking questions about the show and what I liked about it..etc. I really have no idea what I said. It was kind of surreal at this point. Plus, I was afraid that people were going to show up and ruin my chances of getting in! They were all excited when they saw someone else coming over too. I got to talking to the other woman who showed up and turns out we both go to the same church--and I was like..oh, you might have seen me singing there sometime. She looked at me and was like..OH MY GOSH. You are like a CELEBRITY to me! I thought that was hilarious--if you know me at all, I am NOT a celebrity. lol...she was like..you..and that other guy that sings--are you guys like..dating, or married? She gave a physical description and I just laughed...she was talking about my Dad. I explained that no-that was just my dad. So funny. Anyways...it was really cool to meet her-she hadn't seen the show before and was really excited about it. I had seen it before, and was really excited about it =) It finally turned 11am, we got our seats (Front row, almost center) and I went home..got Mom, and we headed back to Norfolk to see the show-again!

Now I've been going over my songs/lines for tonight-I have a show tonight! I hope I don't go out there just singing songs from Wicked! =)

Oh, and another thing--if i had a job-I wouldn't be able to do these kinds of things. Having a job can suck it! =)

The Interview That Was Over Before it Even Started...

So, last Thursday I was out shopping for grad party supplies with Mom when my friend texted me asking if I was still looking for a job. Anyone who reads this blog realizes that the answer to this question is a resounding YES! So, she explains that her boss has a friend who is looking for a front desk receptionist for the dental practice where she is the office manager and would I be interested? At this point in my life I can't afford to not be interested, so I said yes and she emailed me the contact information. I called the woman later that afternoon and set up an interview for Monday afternoon. Fast forward past graduation party (fun!), commissioning (long! and boring! but nice!), "Working" opening night (we rock!), and Commencement (HOTTT! and LONG!)...in other words, a really busy weekend capped off with seeing "Star Trek" last night with the 'rents (great flick!) which also reminded me why I like to wait til the theatre is less crowded. The general public is gross, but I digress. I am doing some AP proctoring this week for Kempsville High School (Thank you, Missy!) so wakeup time was 6am today (eek, haven't seen pre-8am on a regular basis in a LONG time) so after that I grabbed a quick lunch with Jenn (yay) and then realized my shirt had a spot on it. Not acceptable for an interview! Ran home, changed the shirt and headed to the dentist. I should mention-I have a fear of dentists. I mean, I LOVE my current dentist--she's great! But my childhood dentist kind of ruined things for me-he was not gentle, ever-and generally smelled of garlic and tried to talk to you about whatever NPR program was on at the time..expecting answers when you have 14 balls of cotton in your mouth. But again, I digress. I was about 10 minutes early for the interview so while I waited I had time to sit and reflect, so I took out my moleskine and started to write about how I was feeling:

"So, today I am interviewing at a dentist's office. I know that it probably won't be a horrible job-but everything in my being is screaming nooo! I don't even know anymore what it is that I want to do. I mean, I'll be pursuing the career switcher program to get licensed to teach music K-12, but I'm not even sure that's even what i "want". Part of me wonders about what I would have done if I'd never been eliminated from my job at Regent. Would I have just stayed until it was no longer healthy? I wasn't always completely happy there but I was content. Maybe that's the problem. I got used to being content. Content is dangerous because it's so comfortable that you never want to leave. I got used to being there. Took it for granted that I'd be able to leave when I was ready. I was not ready when they told me that they could no longer afford to keep me on staff. Shocked. Hurt. Anger came later. And stayed. Fresh from earning my master's degree-I have no idea what I want to do and feel that I'm not really qualified to do much of anything. Well, except for singing. That I know I can do! But who's going to pay me on a regular basis to do that? I'm not good enough (or disciplined enough more like) to be an opera singer-and I don't love singing that way. I love music theatre-but if I'm serious about doing that then I need to get serious about losing this weight. The weight is out of control. I can't fit into my old skirts even. I'm lost. And alone. In a crowd. Waiting for an interview that that I don't want-but need. Simultaneously hoping/fearing that I'll get the position. Sounds like it's time"

At that point a woman comes out and introduces herself, says that normally she'd have me 2nd, but the original contact was busy with a meeting so they were flipping things around. We chatted for a bit as she told me about the job-I did my best to appear engaging and interested in how they run things there (not hard, because I did genuinely find it interesting-the office had a great vibe), told her a little about myself and then she went to see if the other lady was ready for me. As she was I then headed to her office-this is where things get interesting (finally, right? =) We shake hands and both take our seats and she finishes up typing something on her computer. She is glancing at me from the corner of her eye, but I pretend to not notice. She turns to me and says something like (I don't recall verbatim sorry)"now-I don't want you to take this the wrong way (and I'm thinking..good Lord, what did I do wrong already?)...but I looked at your resume after you sent it on Thursday and basically-you're over-qualified to work here. I was going to call you and let you know, but I figured you must have needed a job pretty bad to come in for this interview and I thought maybe by meeting you in person I could get a feel for what you're about. So I didn't call, and really any interview experience is good, no?

At this point I just kind of stare at her. I want to jump up and say YES! YES! You're RIGHT! Thank you, good-BYE!

But, I still need the job...I kind of hem and haw for a bit, and then I just decide to be as frank with her as she was being with me. I said, yes-I realized that this wouldn't be a dream job for me, but in today's economy I really can't afford to not follow up on any opportunities presented to me. She nods in understanding and we discuss my master's degree for a bit and what I did with it and what I'd like to do with it..and she says, before I worked here I was in the media business and I still have several contacts out there..how about I forward them your resume with an email explaining the situation. So, that's what she proceeds to do! I thank her, of course and kind of marvel at what just happened while she's composing it. Who knew that when I walked into the dentist's office for a job this afternoon that I'd walk out of there with four good leads which I WILL follow up with....but no actual job...Life is funny, no?

Okay, so perhaps I was a bit of a drama queen the other night..

But, I stand by my freak-out. For good or for bad-it happened, and I"m not going to apologize for it--well, maybe a little. I do think that I hide what I'm feeling a little too often and appear happy go lucky to people, when honestly-I'm not. I think that's why I like blogging-because I can be a little bit more real here. No one is looking at me. Anyways, I ended up just needing a new key for my Vue--it cost $7.42. Labor was around $24 so my whole cost for my car repair was $34.16. SOOO much better than what I was dreading. So, anyways. I'm here today to let you know--things can be bad...and it's okay to rant about them. That's why God invented blogs =)

An Explanation

So, when I posted last I did not know how to put what I was feelng into words. Now it's Monday, about two weeks later and I'm still not sure I know how, but I'm going to try. You see, on the Thursday before Good Friday (me and major holidays do not go well together) my temp position was downsized due to the economy. It wasn't personal, it was just one of those things that happen when your company's sales are down to almost half of what they were the previous year. They decided they could handle the work with just the temp they already had and a part time person. So there I am, once again, made redundant (as the British so eloquently put it). So, let's so do brief recap of the last four or five months of my life, in no particular order other than how things come up in my brain:

--position of eight years eliminated
--graduated with master of arts degree in communication
--looked for lots and lots of jobs. Nada out there
--registered with temp agencies
--auditioned for a musical and made it (yay). Where I have also made many new friends.
--hired for a temp to hire position
--auditioned for another musical. Got in. Yay! More new and wonderful friends made
--laid off from temp position
--get in the Virginia Beach Public Schools substitute teacher system (have yet to get an assignment)
--apply at lens crafters (friend works there)
--randomly hear from a company that I pursued back in February, come in for 2 interviews, get really excited about it after the 2nd interview only to hear from them (via email of all things) that they went with another candidate. That one really stung.
--Freak out!
--hear about a position from a friend I met in the newest musical--which I've now applied for and hope to hear from....sigh
--Lens Crafters has yet to call, I checked with my friend and he said they've just been really busy.

Meanwhile, I receive my last severance check this week and I'm getting nervous about paying bills. I have some thoughts about my possible future and steps to take but I have some tests to pass first, and also need to get my feet wet on the sub teaching thing, to test myself. I am in the process of transferring all of my 403(b) (like a 401(k)) into a personal IRA through Fidelity....if things don't happen with a job soon I'm going to have to cash it out and pay off most of my bills (sadly, after penalties it won't cover all of my debt, but it'll get me really close). I am really trying to see the silver lining in the situation I am in. I know I should be grateful to at least have a roof over my head (thanks to my parents) and food to eat (too much! really need to lose weight)....so I promise you, I am grateful. But this year so far has really, truly sucked. big time.

That dark hole is getting bigger...

So, my 'service engine soon' light came on yesterday morning, just after I left the dentist's office where I had a couple of tiny fillings put in and some touch ups on some other fillings. I love my dentist, she knows about my employment situation and they only charged the insurance-no copay! I'm very thankful for that as I found out today that the repairs on my car are close to a thousand dollars. One. Thousand. Dollars. I'm glad that I've been holding off on any extra spending...as it is my parents are going to have to help me out (so I don't have to put part of it on the devil card). I held it together in the service rep's office for about five minutes, but then the waterworks began. I was so mad at myself for letting myself cry in front of them, but seriously-I've just had enough. My recurring mantra is-when God? when is going to get better? when will this hell end? I know that I am a lot better off than a lot of people out there-I have a roof over my head and food to eat-thanks to my parents--and if worse comes to worse and I don't have a job at the end of April I can go ahead and cash out my retirement and pay off my immediate bills....but..I don't know. Sometimes I just wonder what the heck God is up to. I hate being unemployed. I know He has a plan for all of this, but heck if I can tell what it is at this point.

**UPDATE** I was offered (and accepted) the temp to hire position for $8.50/hour. It's a start.

Why?!

Is there some kind of rule in life that if one part of life is going well, then other parts therefore will not be doing quite as well? That's my life right now. I am having trouble dealing so I'm going to just list the things out that are bothering me...and those that are going well. I love writing a blog because even though it's out there for everyone to see-it still feels like a personal catharsis time for me to be able to write it all out. And lists make me feel organized. I actually started this blog post on Monday, but wasn't able to get my thoughts wrapped around it until today.

1) Friends with medical problems-I have two very dear friends that are dealing with serious medical issues. I wish that I could just have some kind of healing hand and just touch them and make them well. They are awesome people who are taking everything in the right spirit--being positive and trusting in God to provide for them, so they've been good inspirations-but seriously, God? What gives? Please take my friends' pain away.

2) Family with medical problems-my awesome Pop-Pop started chemo on Monday. He said it wasn't too bad, and so far he's not feeling any ill effects (I think it helps that the treatment is going straight into his bladder). I want my Grandparents around for a long time yet-so he has to get better, and soon!

3) Family drama-my mom's brother, the youngest of five, has had his share of problems over the years. His latest problems unfortunately affect the family-over a year ago he got into some trouble with the law and Monday he finally had to face the consequences of his actions. He was sentenced to six months jail time and now we're all trying to figure out what to do with his dog (so far my other uncle is taking her-but he's allergic), and also with his houseful of 'stuff' aka 'crap'. He rented a house down at the beach so he'll lose that while he's in jail. It's just a big mess.

4) I'm worried/excited/scared about the show I'm in. There are new layers of things that I'm concerned about with it, but I'm not sure that I'm at liberty to say what those are yet.

5) Still unemployed.

Now for the good

1) I ABSOLUTELY love the people I have met doing this show. We have been referring to ourselves as bffs (best friends forever), especially since spending most of Saturday with each other (thinking about a few people in particular). We decided last night that we're just going to keep trying out for shows as a group and insist that the directors have to take us all =)

2) My Mom and Dad-they are amazing. 'nuff said

Um..that's about all that is going well right now. I mean, I'm in pretty good shape most of the time-but sometimes things can just pile up and get you down. That's when I turn to God.

Maybe I should do that now. Yeah =)

"Zombie Prom" excitement!

Here it is! The poster for "Zombie Prom"! The director sent it so that we can start promoting it through various means. I AM SO EXCITED! I'm not in the show a whole lot, but when I am-I'm having a blast. The director and crew are amazing and my cast-mates are SO much fun. It has been so great getting to know everyone. Some of the over-21's (as we refer to ourselves) went out for karaoke after rehearsal last night and we have plans for even more of us to go out on Saturday evening. Yay! We call ourselves the over-21's because there are actually quite a few high-schoolers in the show-bless their hearts! I love them too, but I haven't been around them as much as I am an 'adult' now. Sigh. =) I did not realize just how much I missed being around the creative theatre types. We're definitely of a special breed! I've got the bug so bad now that I'm actually considering trying out for another show! Yikes! It would coincide with commencement ceremonies though, so I'll have to think about it and figure out if it'd be too much of a hassle. Not saying that I'll get in, of course! Just trying to think through the logistics of being in a show makes me crinkle my forehead.

On another note--I'm watching "My Fair Lady" on TCM right now. I used to watch this movie every. single. day. Seriously. I still remember 90% of the words/dialogue. It's kind of scary actually--just how many lyrics are running around in my brain-and are they taking over where they shouldn't? Like, is that why I'm not good at long division and stuff? Too many lyrics? It's strange watching it now though, as a 31 year old and not a 13 year old. It's more obvious to me that it's not Audrey Hepburn singing. She had a vocal dub for the singing parts alone-the word on the street is that Ms. Hepburn was very upset by the studio's decision to do this as she had recorded all of the music when they went with Marni Nixon (I think that's her name-she's also the singing voice of Natalie Wood in "West Side Story" and Deborah Kerr in "The King and I". Yes, i know too much about these things! I did go to film school though) I watched a special on the movie once and they played part of Ms. Hepburn's singing and I really don't think she sounded that bad. But, the studio was king in those days and things were done differently than now.

So, yeah. Still no job-for those who are wondering. I have some prospects (hopefully) but, it's not looking too great these days. Sigh....

Learning the blogosphere ways

Since I've had quite some free time, I've been researching how to make my blog more available to the average web surfer. I've added some meta tags and have been analyzing 'who' is looking at my blogspot through Google analytics, and also I've recently added my 'follow me on twitter' area to the right of my posts (you may or may not have noticed). Now I've added an extra step and (hopefully) will be feeding my blog automatically into Twitter. This is kind of my test post to see if it works or not.

There's no real reason that I want more readers, other than everyone always wants their '15 minutes'. It's not like I'm going for ad money or anything (although that'd be nice), and in fact I have been reading articles lately that seem to think that not a whole lot of money is to be made, at least not how people were predicting they would in 2005. Anyways, I'm just curious and while I have some free time I thought I'd give it a whirl.

So...I almost became a 'skilled laborer' today, except. not really

So last night I hear from my parents that a friend of ours is working at a temp agency. I'm like..score! Gonna call him! So, I called him this morning and he, frankly, seemed surprised that I wanted to go with their agency. I thought it was odd, but put it off to thinking, well maybe it's because we know each other. About an hour or so later I go and look up the company online, yeah.. umm..turns out..they mostly work with the local shipyards providing skilled laborers.


pause for a moment while you picture me holding a blow torch or some sort of tool



Except you can't. Because I am so un-handy that I am known to use a butter knife as combination hammer/screwdriver.

Yeah, so I emailed him to say um..thanks, but no thanks. Now I feel like an IDIOT!

Just another day in unemployment land...

I did go to another agency this afternoon (doesn't look hopeful) and called another that I have an appointment with tomorrow. Hopefully something will come from it! 'Til then I just keep trucking and applying daily for the Ellen show..speaking of...better get my app in!
Signing off...

What are you focusing on?

So, while I've been unemployed I have had a lot of time alone with just me and my thoughts so this past week i decided to try and fill my week with more activity. If I have a plan for each day then I'm more likely to not be trapped alone with my thoughts. Because my thoughts aren't always good ones. Not like I'm sitting plotting things-but I get very easily discouraged when left to my own devices. So I worked one afternoon this week at a charity I sometimes work with, just doing some office work to help with their mailing list (accurate records save them money for their mail outs!). I saw a few movies...worked on a video shoot with my friend, Dave, had lunch with different friends almost every day (which i need to lay off doing that-spending too much money on food!) Anyways, in the midst of my running around last week a good friend asked me what I'd been focusing on that day. I had to stop and think about it, and I had to honestly reply-well, nothing really. Nothing worthwhile at least. So you can take that for either good or bad--good-meaning that I'm not focusing on the negative aspects of my current job situation, or bad-meaning I need to be more on the ball with getting jobs! Hanging out and meeting people for lunch and seeing movies for $5 during the day is all well and good, but I am really ready to get back into a routine. So, you know..if you hear of anything, please let me know!

Oh, and about the focusing thing-she was coming more from a spiritual aspect. And, in that realm--I'm getting by. I have faith that God will provide. He's done it before, and He'll do it again...even if I'm not sure at this point just exactly how that will be working out!

Just checking in!

So, I'm just checking in on you all. Whoever you are that read this =) I know that some of you are reading this on Facebook. I have my blog fed there in the 'notes' section as it was relatively easy to set up. If you are reading it there I would suggest you check it out on the actual blogspot page too: http://www.reflecting-light.blogspot.com. There's a delay in the loading onto Facebook so you'll be getting the info a bit quicker! Do you use a reader to read blogs? I tried Netvibes for a while, but I just didn't 'get' it so I switched to google reader, and suddenly everything just clicked! I would suggest that anyone try the service, it's pretty easy to set up and it's how I keep up with all of the blogs I read! Not only that but I get my daily dose of my favorite comic strips "Pearls Before Swine" and "Get Fuzzy". Good stuff =) So, there's my little google commercial. They really do know what they're doing..hey..maybe they're hiring! Gotta check that out. Yeah, I still don't have a job. I keep turning in my daily Ellen app (as I refer to it for myself) and I try and find a new job to apply to everyday, but so far it's pretty slim pickings. I'm staying hopeful and trust in God though. He will work it out, even if it does happen to look particularly hopeless at times!

Okay, that's all. I love you..whoever is reading this =)

Biding my time

Cathartic writing: COMMENCE!

Some days I just feel like.... "ARGH" in my head. I may not always express it outwardly, but I have those days...and they seem to be getting more frequent. I have lost track of how many positions I have applied for online across America, but I have not heard back from any one of them. I keep my daily application to the Ellen Show going...I'm sure they're 'loving' my stuff coming in every day, and I'm waiting to hear back about a semi-full time job that I applied for locally..but, ugh. I'm just not sure. I know what I really love to do is sing. Should I pursue that? How do I pursue that? I need equipment...and a songwriter better than myself to be involved. For all of these things-you need money. And currently, I am trying to hoard my money, because if you hadn't noticed--it's scary out there! I was looking at some different systems for recording my own music, but I really have no idea what I am doing. I've heard Finale is good..Cakewalk...but what about GarageBand? I mean, i HAVE garageband, wouldn't that be the best way to go? But don't I need something 'nicer'? And, also a real microphone to record it with. Anyways...these are the kinds of thoughts that I get caught up in, and in the meantime-I STILL don't have a job. I know I'm not the only in in America with this problem and that scares me even more. There are a lot of us out there, all looking for new positions, which means there's even less likelihood of getting it because of the hundreds of thousands of people applying for it that have better qualifications and...okay. stop.

deep breath...

another deep breath....


I believe that God is in control and I know that He is teaching me something about waiting and being patient and trusting in Him that He can work it out. It's just that in the meantime, my human 'freakout' side is having a heyday of freakingoutedness. Seriously.


In other news, we had our first read thru for Zombie Prom on Monday evening, it was fun..my character gets to be surly and mean. Love it! =) I won't even have to 'act' that hard! =) Kidding....the scowly faced girl did get the role that I was going for, but it's okay. It turns out I know her from another life..and she's had a really rough life so if she wants to be scowly faced, I'm okay with it.

That's it for now. Cathartic writing: cease!