Something about Spring...

I posted on Twitter earlier (follow me! twitter.com/shawlaw) that I was feeling strangely contemplative/sentimental and that I might feel a blog coming on...two of my friends encouraged me. So, now that I'm home from choir/praise band rehearsal and I have a load of laundry in..I might as well.


So....I first became aware of a trend in myself a few years ago. I noticed that every year around late march/early april I started to feel a bit blue. I can't put my finger on what it is that makes me feel that way..it might be hormonal..could be atmospheric pressures..but whatever it is, it never fails to come around. I start to dwell on things that make me sad..and once I start dwelling on them, I can't stop. I know....whatever is holy..whatever is good-think on these things. But I literally cannot stop. It's better now that I'm not working at my old place of employment (Boy was I unhappy there! I didn't even realize!). I love my new job, I love my friends, I love my family..but I can't help but feel like something is missing. It's at times like these that a song like Jann Arden's "Good Mother" speaks to me on a deep level. At the risk of being all 'emo' and weird I'm going to post most of the lyrics. It's basically two verses and a chorus that repeats around it. Here goes:

Good Mother (lyrics by Jann Arden)
I've got money in my pocket,
I like the color of my hair.
I've got a friend who loves me,
Got a house, I've got a car.
I've got a good mother,
and her voice is what keeps me here.

Feet on ground,
Heart in hand,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.
I've never wanted anything.
No I've, no I've, I've never wanted anything,
so bad..(so bad).

Cardboard masks of all the people I've been
Thrown out, with all the rusted, tangled
dented God Damned miseries!!
You could say I'm hard to hold,
But if you knew me you'd know,
I've got a good father,
And his strength is what makes me cry.

And..repeat chorus..

It sounds mostly like an upbeat song-but the heartbreak in her voice as she sings of her mother and father, it's well..indescribable. If I can find a link to a youtube video of it I'll post it at the end of this entry. It's worth a listen.

Jann Arden is my muse...my siren even, in the times that I'm feeling like this. I crawl into her voice and her music and into her pain and wrap it around myself like a big, wooly, heated blanket. She has some upbeat stuff-but I skip it. I want to wallow. She speaks/sings what I can't speak or sing for myself-other than singing along with her.

Needless to say (but I'll say it anway), I'm not fun to be around when I'm like this. Yesterday was a Jann Arden music kind of day. Especially "Good Mother"..essentially I have all of these things going for me-money in my pocket...friends who love me..the color of my hair (thank you Karie Morgan for that, =)...but there's a longing there..for something more. What it is..I don't know. I just know I long for it.

Another song that speaks to me in these times is sung by one of my other all time favorites-Ella Fitzgerald. And if you don't have a healthy dose of Ella in your music library then you are sadly missing out, my friend. She sang "Spring Can Really Hang You Up the Most". A sample of the lyrics:

Spring Can Really Hang You Up the Most (Lyrics by: Fran Landesman)

...Morning's kiss wakes trees and flowers,
and to them I'd like to drink a toast.
But I walk in the park
just to kill the lonely hours.
Spring can really hang you up the most.


I guess when it comes down to it-I'm tired of being alone. Most of the time I'm okay with it..but when Spring comes around..it just really gets me down.

Hopefully it'll pass by summer.


Youtube of "Good Mother"

So, the black hole is winning again...

I thought I was down before, but now I actually feel physically depressed. As in, something is pressing down on me, preventing me from feeling happy or joyous about anything. It's like a physical force that is controlling me mentally as well as spiritually and physcially. In order to figure out why I was feeling this way I decided to look up depression on dictionary.com and this is what was written:

de⋅pres⋅sion  [di-presh-uhn] Show IPA
–noun
1. the act of depressing.
2. the state of being depressed.
3. a depressed or sunken place or part; an area lower than the surrounding surface.
4. sadness; gloom; dejection.
5. Psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. Compare clinical depression.
6. dullness or inactivity, as of trade.
7. Economics. a period during which business, employment, and stock-market values decline severely or remain at a very low level of activity.

I would say that definitions 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, or 7 could be definitions of my life at this very moment. For some reason I'm just really going over in my mind all of the failed job opportunities that have come about in the last five months. Five months of rejection can really get to you. The one that's really smarting right now is the SEO (search engine optimization) company. I keep going over the interviews in my mind, wondering where I went wrong or what I could have said to make them go with me instead of "another candidate" as they so coldly wrote in their email of rejection to me.

I see no point in getting out of bed in the morning.

I try to fill my day with things that are useful, or 'fun', but most days-I'd rather just be asleep.

I have no health insurance, so I can't even seek help with how I'm feeling by talking to a professional.

I'm disappointing friends who count on me.

I take no joy or pride in having earned a Master's degree.

I only have enough money in the bank to pay my bills through 'maybe' July.

I feel down. and so low. I thought I would get better with a friend visiting me this past weekend, but now that she's left I feel even worse.

Please take this blog for what it's worth-I'll probably feel better tomorrow. But, for the 21 of you who have sometime visited here--just pray for me, please.