Welcome to the Twilight Zone...

This happened about two weeks ago and I've been trying to remember to post about it ever since! So, let me entertain you with a tale of my little trip into the twilight zone. I try to leave my house in the morning with enough time so that I have time to get to the break room for my work-which is located in a different part of the mall than the store I work in so I can drop off my lunch and various items. It doesn't always work out with enough time(the snooze alarm is NOT your friend!!), but on this particular day the timing (and traffic) was good. I usually park on the fourth level and make my way down to the 2nd level in various different ways. This particular day I decided to walk down a short flight of stairs to the third level of the mall (where the food court and all is) and take the elevator down to the second. I hit the button a few times, but it was taking forever to come. I could see from the reflection across the way that they were all just sitting on the second level, but not moving, no matter how many times I hit the button. Seeing as I had enough time I decided to just make my way around to the escalator instead. As I walk around to it, I look over to the bank of elevators and as I step on to the escalator I realize that not only are they all on the second floor, but that they seem to have a few people stuck in the middle one. This is where the twilight zone kicks in...there are two people stuck in the elevator and one of them looked SO much like me from 8 months ago that I literally was dumbstruck. The girl had short hair, was wearing a red fleece type shirt (like our store's holiday colors), and jeans...and was about the size I was about 8 months ago. I couldn't stop looking at her. I really feel like I was looking into some sort of time vortex mirror from what I used to look like. I was so distracted that I had reached the bottom of the escalator and almost fell, but just ended up making my foot come out of the heel of my shoe. Anybody watching me probably would have laughed. Anyways. I really don't know what all this means, if anything...by the time I got back around from going to the break room the elevator was working again and she was long gone, so I never got a fantastic look at her. But seriously, from afar-it was me. Overall the incident has given me extra incentive to keep going down the weight loss track that I have started on. It seems to be taking SO long sometimes, and then at other times-it's just flown by. Most of all I'm just trying to stay motivated, keep making good choices, and keep putting myself and my health first. It was weird, but it made me think..and appreciate the work I've done so far.

Happy New Year..and deep thoughts...and mucus...

I find myself waxing philosophical these days. That tends to happen when I'm not feeling well and man have I NOT been feeling well. I got a pretty bad cold towards the middle of doing Jekyll and Hyde, in fact it developed into bronchitis and laryngitis (the singer's worst nightmare) but my doctor put me on the z-pak and it cleared it right up. Fast forward about a month later and on January 2nd I sneezed at 8:13am EST..and it all started up again! (and I'm only slightly dramatic). That one sneeze opened up the doorway to a full blown sinus infection/fever/cold/plague that sent me home early on Tuesday and out of work on Wednesday and to the doctor..again. I used to be a hypochondriac as a child so I really try not to go to the doctor anymore. It really burns me up that I have had to go twice in the last two months! Good thing I have good insurance. He put me on amoxicillin and suggested decongestants as well. It's really miserable not being able to breathe through both nostrils at the same time.

Anyways, while laying around yesterday feeling sorry for myself I started to think about life..and love. Almost four years ago now I took a class on the life and works of C.S. Lewis. I got to travel to England and walk where he walked and study his words in detail. I, being my typical self, procrastinated reading the material of course, and had to read a lot of it on the plane ride over..and I find now that I want to re-read it and really appreciate it. He wrote in "The Four Loves": “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” I really appreciate this and wanted to share it with you. Something to think about as we start a new year..don't let yourself be locked away, holding your love to yourself. You have to step out there...be vulnerable..be willing to share. It's the only way to truly live...in my opinion at least.

After the show is over....

Depression sets in...sigh.

So, Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical has finished its final performance, the set has been torn down and the next show is already working up on stage. I know it's inevitable but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. This show, these people, this experience..was different. I truly got along with pretty much everyone involved (a miracle with such dramatic people around =) and I suspect that the friendships forged from the show and the ones that were strengthened, are going to be friendships that will last a lifetime. I loved every moment of working on it. I can honestly say that I never took this role or this time for granted and that I truly appreciated every moment. So, when this Friday rolls around and I'm getting ready to head somewhere other than the theater (this Friday you can find me singing in a concert at my church...7:30pm, LBBC 2460 Potters Road, Virginia Beach, VA fix are $5)...I will have a moment of reflection. I'll think about the wonderful times we had, and treasure those memories.

Ch-ch-changes...

I just can't get over the difference you can see in my face from about a year ago. My friend, Paul Costen (check out his work paulcosten.com, he's fantastic) took this picture a little over a year ago for publicity photos for a show I was involved with at the Little Theater of Norfolk (Forbidden Broadway). I can't stop looking at it, and then looking at me now. I've lost only 39 pounds, officially...but I think I may have been heavier than even my starting weight for Weight Watchers back in July of this year. Anyways, I took these two pics and edited them on my phone by using an app called Diptic. It allows you to group photos together. I think the picture gives you a good idea of where I've come from, and where I'm heading. Thanks for listening/reading.

p.s. In the meantime, one weekend of Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical has already passed. Don't let the next three weekends pass without making your reservation and coming to see it! Call 757-428-9233 and leave your reservation now, don't delay! We're already fully reserved for this Sunday..but there are plenty of other dates available!

Reflections...

This is going to be a bit of wandering so bear with me..but I have had some thoughts ruminating and it's time to get them down on to the proverbial 'paper'. I spend a lot time thinking about how I can improve myself. I know I might not always look like much from the outside, but I'm constantly analyzing how I could have done something differently or even better. It's not in my nature to remain content at the status quo..on some things, yes..but not others. For so long I just ignored how I was treating my body-to the point where my body was about ready to stop on me. It was only then that I had to stop and take notice of the fact that what I was doing to myself was wrong, and even sinful. You know from reading my blogs here that I've been pursuing weight loss surgery as a 'fix-all' for my weight problems. My insurance requires me to be on a diet for six months so I decided to join Weight Watchers. I'd done it before and I knew that it worked for me when I was diligent about tracking my points. I jokingly referred to myself as the 'points nazi'. Being like that had its pros..I lost almost 75 pounds in about 8 months..but the cons were that as soon as I stopped paying attention and got lazy...the pounds crept back up and they brought friends along with them. People toss around the terminology 'lifestyle change' but I'm here to say...this thing is legit. I still have some bad eating habits, but what I put in my body..and how much of it I put in there (that's what she said) have changed drastically. I've officially lost 36.2 pounds since July 2nd..and I continue to keep on. I'm still on the books at the weight loss doctor to go through with surgery-but I'm thinking I might just try this thing on my own. What I'm doing so far has worked...I want to see if I can keep it up..or down in this instant really. In the meantime everything in my life is GOING AMAZING. I have a lead role in a show, I got some good news at work, I have made amazing new friends, and I'm busier now than I've ever been (to the point that I didn't think was possible). In all this I still have my days of struggle...wrestling with feelings about inadequacy on my own part and having a truly awful self image. I'm working through it with the help of some beautiful friends who have been and continue to be my pillars in this strange time of life. You know who you are. I love you. Thank you. Mere words couldn't ever express how I feel about you. I have been regularly exercising since the end of July and I'm loving the way that my body is changing shape. Please pray for me if you think about it. I am processing a lot right now and while it's all good-it's a lot to take in. Some days I just want to roll under the covers and give up. But I won't.

Thanks for listening.

Not What I Thought I'd Be Posting, but...

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one."

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."

Both C.S. Lewis

I have had a blog floating around in my head for about a week or so, but I'm going to let that one marinate a bit longer. I had some deep revelations last week about this journey of weight loss that I'm on, and I don't want to treat it too tritely. It deserves a well thought out post and I'm feeling more sentimental than analytic tonight.

Over the years I have gathered many friends whom I hold dear. There are a few in particular that I know would drop whatever they were doing at a moment's notice to be by my side in a time of need. I love them with all of my heart and I thank God that He has blessed me with people in my life that I don't deserve. That first quote I put in from C.S. Lewis really touches me-I like a lot of weird stuff. It amazes me that the weird stuff that I like is not only appreciated by others-but also embraced! These people also tolerate me at the worst times of my life and support me in my most idiosyncratic days. I sometimes wonder how I managed to get these people around me-but I think God knew what He was doing. On the days when I'm sad about not having a significant other to share things with-God reminds me of the many wonderful friends that I have in my life and that some people don't even have that and I'm reminded to be grateful of what I do have.

Just a small example of the kind of friendship I'm talking about: Today, As I counted up the points (I'm doing Weight Watchers now ...I think I mentioned that in my last post? I can't remember) for my lunch my friend patiently waited to ask me any questions or distract me-because she knows that this process is important to me. Just a small example of the kind of person God has put in my life. That's where that second quote comes into play...friendship isn't necessary-but it sure does make living more bearable.

To all of my dear, awesome, supportive, soul sister/brother, bosom friends- I LOVE YOU. Thank you for everything that you've done for me in the past, and for what you'll probably do for me in the future. I hope I can be the kind of friend that you deserve.

The Doctor is..IN!

Since my last update I have found out all kinds of news..most important being that (drumroll please...) my insurance approved the surgeon I wanted to go with! Yay! I'm trying to remain proactive with all of this so I scheduled my first appointment with them on Wednesday afternoon. My workplace has been AMAZING to work with in getting all of my various appointments covered so I can leave pretty easily without causing too much inconvenience to my coworkers.

That thought brings me to a slight tangent- I work 'retail' but it's the most un-retail like retail job that there possibly could be. I sometimes miss working in an office with a set schedule-but this job definitely has been really great for me. I am up and moving around, work with amazing people (although I still miss my office peeps-you know who you are) and I work for one of the best companies out there. I can't say what it is on the blog because of policy-but if you know me then you probably know where I work so it doesn't really need to be said, does it? =)

One of the perks of my job are the amazing benefits that I get as a full time employee. Our insurance utilizes a company called "Bariatric Resource Services" that is dedicated to just helping me through this process (after making sure that I meet all of the qualifications first of course!). I have been assigned both a nurse case manager and a customer service coordinator that makes sure that all of my questions are answered and that I have all of the forms I need. Between them and the surgical group that I'm using it really is my own darn fault if I fall behind on things! As soon as I found out that I had to be on a 6 month diet supervised by my doctor I immediately went and scheduled an appointment with my general physician. He and I agreed on the Weight Watchers solution and I started attending meetings two weeks ago tomorrow. I had my first weigh in last Saturday (on my birthday of all days) and have already lost 2.4 lbs! I love that Weight Watchers has joined the technological world. I signed up for the monthly plan which comes with access to all of their web services and most importantly (to me, at least) that info coordinates with free apps from the app store that I have loaded on both my iPhone and my iPad. AND THEY TALK TO EACH OTHER! I can keep track of my points and my weight loss numbers all through my apps so that I never have to worry about writing down what I eat and counting the points for it-it's all through the app! I cannot tell you enough how much of a help this is! Weight Watchers worked the best for me when I did it about 5 years ago and lost about 65 lbs in a year. I was a self proclaimed points-nazi and would write down every single bite, lick or taste (blt's they call them) that happened. I was also working out regularly and I have never felt better in my life. As soon as I stopped counting those points though and got lazy with it and the weight creeped back up. I'm hoping that with this new app I will continue to be able to keep track of my points and lose weight before any possible surgery.

On a serious note, some of you have expressed concern about me going the surgery route altogether. Believe me-I hear you and I understand where you are coming from-but until my doctors say, hey-maybe this isn't the right thing for you-then I'm going to continue to go toward this. I appreciate your concern and welcome feedback-as long as it is kept in a positive light. Thanks!

So, what are my steps from now on? I have some things I need to take care of like getting an EKG, a chest x-ray, some other medical tests and set up appointments for support groups and psychological evaluations (hope they don't think I'm crazy!). The show I've been working on opens tonight and I'm trying out for another one tomorrow...and I still have my full time, 40 hour/week job and my second job helping out the music ministry at church...somewhere in there I need to fit in a regular workout schedule! I joined a 24 hour type of gym a few months ago and so far have only been a few times! I really am determined to go back and hope to slip it back into my schedule in the next week or so. You guys keep me accountable on that, k? So that is about it for now. I will continue to update this blog and let you know how things are going. All told-we're looking at the earliest possible surgery date in January. I'm sure the time will fly!