Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Something about Spring...

I posted on Twitter earlier (follow me! twitter.com/shawlaw) that I was feeling strangely contemplative/sentimental and that I might feel a blog coming on...two of my friends encouraged me. So, now that I'm home from choir/praise band rehearsal and I have a load of laundry in..I might as well.


So....I first became aware of a trend in myself a few years ago. I noticed that every year around late march/early april I started to feel a bit blue. I can't put my finger on what it is that makes me feel that way..it might be hormonal..could be atmospheric pressures..but whatever it is, it never fails to come around. I start to dwell on things that make me sad..and once I start dwelling on them, I can't stop. I know....whatever is holy..whatever is good-think on these things. But I literally cannot stop. It's better now that I'm not working at my old place of employment (Boy was I unhappy there! I didn't even realize!). I love my new job, I love my friends, I love my family..but I can't help but feel like something is missing. It's at times like these that a song like Jann Arden's "Good Mother" speaks to me on a deep level. At the risk of being all 'emo' and weird I'm going to post most of the lyrics. It's basically two verses and a chorus that repeats around it. Here goes:

Good Mother (lyrics by Jann Arden)
I've got money in my pocket,
I like the color of my hair.
I've got a friend who loves me,
Got a house, I've got a car.
I've got a good mother,
and her voice is what keeps me here.

Feet on ground,
Heart in hand,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.
I've never wanted anything.
No I've, no I've, I've never wanted anything,
so bad..(so bad).

Cardboard masks of all the people I've been
Thrown out, with all the rusted, tangled
dented God Damned miseries!!
You could say I'm hard to hold,
But if you knew me you'd know,
I've got a good father,
And his strength is what makes me cry.

And..repeat chorus..

It sounds mostly like an upbeat song-but the heartbreak in her voice as she sings of her mother and father, it's well..indescribable. If I can find a link to a youtube video of it I'll post it at the end of this entry. It's worth a listen.

Jann Arden is my muse...my siren even, in the times that I'm feeling like this. I crawl into her voice and her music and into her pain and wrap it around myself like a big, wooly, heated blanket. She has some upbeat stuff-but I skip it. I want to wallow. She speaks/sings what I can't speak or sing for myself-other than singing along with her.

Needless to say (but I'll say it anway), I'm not fun to be around when I'm like this. Yesterday was a Jann Arden music kind of day. Especially "Good Mother"..essentially I have all of these things going for me-money in my pocket...friends who love me..the color of my hair (thank you Karie Morgan for that, =)...but there's a longing there..for something more. What it is..I don't know. I just know I long for it.

Another song that speaks to me in these times is sung by one of my other all time favorites-Ella Fitzgerald. And if you don't have a healthy dose of Ella in your music library then you are sadly missing out, my friend. She sang "Spring Can Really Hang You Up the Most". A sample of the lyrics:

Spring Can Really Hang You Up the Most (Lyrics by: Fran Landesman)

...Morning's kiss wakes trees and flowers,
and to them I'd like to drink a toast.
But I walk in the park
just to kill the lonely hours.
Spring can really hang you up the most.


I guess when it comes down to it-I'm tired of being alone. Most of the time I'm okay with it..but when Spring comes around..it just really gets me down.

Hopefully it'll pass by summer.


Youtube of "Good Mother"