Happy New Year..and deep thoughts...and mucus...

I find myself waxing philosophical these days. That tends to happen when I'm not feeling well and man have I NOT been feeling well. I got a pretty bad cold towards the middle of doing Jekyll and Hyde, in fact it developed into bronchitis and laryngitis (the singer's worst nightmare) but my doctor put me on the z-pak and it cleared it right up. Fast forward about a month later and on January 2nd I sneezed at 8:13am EST..and it all started up again! (and I'm only slightly dramatic). That one sneeze opened up the doorway to a full blown sinus infection/fever/cold/plague that sent me home early on Tuesday and out of work on Wednesday and to the doctor..again. I used to be a hypochondriac as a child so I really try not to go to the doctor anymore. It really burns me up that I have had to go twice in the last two months! Good thing I have good insurance. He put me on amoxicillin and suggested decongestants as well. It's really miserable not being able to breathe through both nostrils at the same time.

Anyways, while laying around yesterday feeling sorry for myself I started to think about life..and love. Almost four years ago now I took a class on the life and works of C.S. Lewis. I got to travel to England and walk where he walked and study his words in detail. I, being my typical self, procrastinated reading the material of course, and had to read a lot of it on the plane ride over..and I find now that I want to re-read it and really appreciate it. He wrote in "The Four Loves": “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” I really appreciate this and wanted to share it with you. Something to think about as we start a new year..don't let yourself be locked away, holding your love to yourself. You have to step out there...be vulnerable..be willing to share. It's the only way to truly live...in my opinion at least.

L'amour...blah

So, I turn 32 in a little less than a month (YES! Jenn and I are the same age for um..a month..ha!) Having reached this ripe old age lends itself to some self reflection. Something that keeps coming up and won't leave me alone is the "why are you still single" question. Please believe me, if I knew the answer to this question I WOULD TELL YOU! Now, don't get me wrong-I'm actually in a much better place than I have ever been before when it comes to this ol' love thing. In fact, I'm feeling so rational about it now that I'd like to tell myself about it. So, here you have it. A letter to myself, at various ages, going backwards through the awkward annals of my ill fated crushes and awkward dates:

Dear 28-29 year old Shawna,

You are showing great character by the person you have chosen to fix your affections on, but believe me when I say this-he is not the right one for you. It turns out it was more being in the right place at the right time (or, wrong time wrong place, really), that you even fell for him. Believe me when I say this--you WILL get over him, and you will actually be happy for him when he finds the right one, and marries her. Trust me


Dear 25-26ish year old Shawna,

What on earth were you thinking? He is not right for you, and you thank God now for letting you dodge that bullet.


Dear 20-21 year old Shawna,

Wow, this one was tough, but I promise you that you will get over it and be happy to be friends with him, to this day. Really.

Dear 18 year old Shawna,

Okay, that was awkward-you thought you were hanging out with just a friend and he showed up in a tie. Don't laugh at him, and try and have a good time. And, well-good call on not going out with him again. Really.



Dear 11 year old Shawna (yes, it was a long, dry spell),

Please keep on being excited about being asked to the 6th grade dance by that boy. Even though you found out the next day at school that you were like, 5th on the list of people he called and asked. (Wow, those catty 6th grade girls words still sting to this day). Although you weren't his first choice, you still could have had a good time, but you let your pride get in the way. You will continue to wonder whatever happened to that guy, and wish him well, even if you weren't his first choice.



Dear 10 year old Shawna,

Charlie is just your class buddy, do not try and have a dance with him at the 5th/6th grade dance. It will not go well.

p.s. that leah girl is after him too


Dear 10 year old Shawna,

You will continue to carry a love for Vincent of the tv show Beauty and the Beast. He's a good catch--a romantic, a poet, a protector..and, well, yes he also happens to be a teensy bit like a lion. This is okay. He only kills the ones that threaten you! On the other hand, Commander Riker of the Starship Enterprise is a good alternative..again, good choice. All he has to do is get over his thing with Counselor Troi and you're right in there.



So, there you have it...my romantic history. I've never actually dated anyone and most of my 'dates' have been unintentional and/or weird. I'm hoping that since the rest of my life sucks right now (yes, still unemployed although I do have an interview today) that something will give and the right man will fall into my path. Wherever that path may be.

Coming soon....my adventures in the weird world of online dating!

Love, and other stuff

Someone To Watch Over Me
by George and Ira Gershwin
There's a saying old, says that love is blind.
Still we're often told, see, and ye shall find.
So I'm going to seek a certain lad I've had...in mind.
Looking everywhere, haven't found him yet.
He's the big affair I cannot forget.
Only man I ever think of with regret.
I'd like to add his initials to my monogram.
Tell me where is the shepherd for this, lost lamb?
There's a somebody I'm longing to see
I hope that he turns out to be, someone to watch over me.
I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood, I know I could always be good...
to one who'll watch over me.
Although he may not be the man some girls think of as handsome
to my heart he carries the key.
Won’t you tell him please to put on some speed follow my lead,
oh, how I need someone to watch over me.

Sometimes things just can't be expressed better than how someone has put it in a song. The Gershwins especially speak to me on personal level. So, I don't know if it's just the springtime air or what but I seem to be surrounded lately by people in love, or just starting to date...or good friends finding out that they're finally pregnant (yay for them!). I've learned to be mostly okay with this whole 'have not ever dated' thing, but sometimes...I just want someone to watch over me. That's all.