So, um...2009? Yeah, you can SUCK IT

That's how I'm feeling tonight. I have been having trouble with the ignition on my Saturn Vue (2003) for awhile now. Usually I can 'jiggle it a little' and it eventually turns--but tonight, it just wasn't having it. An hour and a half later I'm waiting for a tow truck (with my knight in shining armour-dad) in the theater's parking lot, wishing that I could wake up from the nightmare that is currently my life. I know, same old story, blah blah blah--I'm sure ya'll are just as sick of hearing about it as I am talking about it. In fact, I was chatting with a friend on the phone earlier this evening and I realized that I would much rather just talk to her about her problems and sympathize with her issues than get into mine. She asked, like the good friend she is, and I said I'd rather just not talk about it since i'd probably cry if I did happen to talk about it and like the good friend she is-she let it slide. Speaking of that good friend-I kind of messed up this weekend with plans with her-and the gracious, fabulous miss thang that she is forgave me. Friends are awesome--if you don't have any-I highly recommend you work on that. Anyways..add this car trouble to the lastest in the litany of problem assailing me. It's not even worth it to keep count at this point.

p.s. i'm watching "The Negotiator" on Bravo right now b/c that's what was on when I turned the tv on. I had no idea that Paul Giamatti was in this. I mean, I watched it when it first came out, back in the day (kevin spacey, samuel l. jackson--good stuff)..but it's fun to watch movies later and be like..hey! I didn't know that guy was in that! weird!

An Explanation

So, when I posted last I did not know how to put what I was feelng into words. Now it's Monday, about two weeks later and I'm still not sure I know how, but I'm going to try. You see, on the Thursday before Good Friday (me and major holidays do not go well together) my temp position was downsized due to the economy. It wasn't personal, it was just one of those things that happen when your company's sales are down to almost half of what they were the previous year. They decided they could handle the work with just the temp they already had and a part time person. So there I am, once again, made redundant (as the British so eloquently put it). So, let's so do brief recap of the last four or five months of my life, in no particular order other than how things come up in my brain:

--position of eight years eliminated
--graduated with master of arts degree in communication
--looked for lots and lots of jobs. Nada out there
--registered with temp agencies
--auditioned for a musical and made it (yay). Where I have also made many new friends.
--hired for a temp to hire position
--auditioned for another musical. Got in. Yay! More new and wonderful friends made
--laid off from temp position
--get in the Virginia Beach Public Schools substitute teacher system (have yet to get an assignment)
--apply at lens crafters (friend works there)
--randomly hear from a company that I pursued back in February, come in for 2 interviews, get really excited about it after the 2nd interview only to hear from them (via email of all things) that they went with another candidate. That one really stung.
--Freak out!
--hear about a position from a friend I met in the newest musical--which I've now applied for and hope to hear from....sigh
--Lens Crafters has yet to call, I checked with my friend and he said they've just been really busy.

Meanwhile, I receive my last severance check this week and I'm getting nervous about paying bills. I have some thoughts about my possible future and steps to take but I have some tests to pass first, and also need to get my feet wet on the sub teaching thing, to test myself. I am in the process of transferring all of my 403(b) (like a 401(k)) into a personal IRA through Fidelity....if things don't happen with a job soon I'm going to have to cash it out and pay off most of my bills (sadly, after penalties it won't cover all of my debt, but it'll get me really close). I am really trying to see the silver lining in the situation I am in. I know I should be grateful to at least have a roof over my head (thanks to my parents) and food to eat (too much! really need to lose weight)....so I promise you, I am grateful. But this year so far has really, truly sucked. big time.

there are no words

to describe what i'm feeling this evening. So, just know..that I'm out here..feeling things...that I can't describe.

well, i've been gone a long time..

pretty much since I started that new job and rehearsals kicked into high gear! I promise i'll let you know about all of these things when I have a moment to decompress...until then..this is just a post to earn another entry in a giveaway! Sorry! Here is the info:

http://www.thebigpieceofcake.com/2009/04/as-good-as-cake-giveaway-bags-by.html

Check Kate out, I found her through my friend, Ainsley...I really enjoy her blogs.

That dark hole is getting bigger...

So, my 'service engine soon' light came on yesterday morning, just after I left the dentist's office where I had a couple of tiny fillings put in and some touch ups on some other fillings. I love my dentist, she knows about my employment situation and they only charged the insurance-no copay! I'm very thankful for that as I found out today that the repairs on my car are close to a thousand dollars. One. Thousand. Dollars. I'm glad that I've been holding off on any extra spending...as it is my parents are going to have to help me out (so I don't have to put part of it on the devil card). I held it together in the service rep's office for about five minutes, but then the waterworks began. I was so mad at myself for letting myself cry in front of them, but seriously-I've just had enough. My recurring mantra is-when God? when is going to get better? when will this hell end? I know that I am a lot better off than a lot of people out there-I have a roof over my head and food to eat-thanks to my parents--and if worse comes to worse and I don't have a job at the end of April I can go ahead and cash out my retirement and pay off my immediate bills....but..I don't know. Sometimes I just wonder what the heck God is up to. I hate being unemployed. I know He has a plan for all of this, but heck if I can tell what it is at this point.

**UPDATE** I was offered (and accepted) the temp to hire position for $8.50/hour. It's a start.

Sometimes the dark hole wins

Yesterday I gave into wallowing and self pity. I read back through some of my blog posts from the last month and noticed that I've mostly been upbeat about being unemployed. Well, I'm here to tell you-I am not upbeat about this everyday. In fact, for the most part, I'm freaking out about it under the surface. I don't know what the answer is. Today I am turning in m substitute teacher packet and then I have a temp to hire interview at 12:45. Neither of these things thrills my heart, and yet I'm trying to find the silver lining in them. Even if it's not a job that I love, at least it'll be a job (if I get it). I'll go and try and make the best impression possible and then cross that bridge when I get to it. It only pays $8.50/hour....but at least it's a job. And you can't turn that kind of thing down--and no one says I have to stay there forever. In the meantime, I'll just keep looking. And praying.

Dark hole--go away!

Why?!

Is there some kind of rule in life that if one part of life is going well, then other parts therefore will not be doing quite as well? That's my life right now. I am having trouble dealing so I'm going to just list the things out that are bothering me...and those that are going well. I love writing a blog because even though it's out there for everyone to see-it still feels like a personal catharsis time for me to be able to write it all out. And lists make me feel organized. I actually started this blog post on Monday, but wasn't able to get my thoughts wrapped around it until today.

1) Friends with medical problems-I have two very dear friends that are dealing with serious medical issues. I wish that I could just have some kind of healing hand and just touch them and make them well. They are awesome people who are taking everything in the right spirit--being positive and trusting in God to provide for them, so they've been good inspirations-but seriously, God? What gives? Please take my friends' pain away.

2) Family with medical problems-my awesome Pop-Pop started chemo on Monday. He said it wasn't too bad, and so far he's not feeling any ill effects (I think it helps that the treatment is going straight into his bladder). I want my Grandparents around for a long time yet-so he has to get better, and soon!

3) Family drama-my mom's brother, the youngest of five, has had his share of problems over the years. His latest problems unfortunately affect the family-over a year ago he got into some trouble with the law and Monday he finally had to face the consequences of his actions. He was sentenced to six months jail time and now we're all trying to figure out what to do with his dog (so far my other uncle is taking her-but he's allergic), and also with his houseful of 'stuff' aka 'crap'. He rented a house down at the beach so he'll lose that while he's in jail. It's just a big mess.

4) I'm worried/excited/scared about the show I'm in. There are new layers of things that I'm concerned about with it, but I'm not sure that I'm at liberty to say what those are yet.

5) Still unemployed.

Now for the good

1) I ABSOLUTELY love the people I have met doing this show. We have been referring to ourselves as bffs (best friends forever), especially since spending most of Saturday with each other (thinking about a few people in particular). We decided last night that we're just going to keep trying out for shows as a group and insist that the directors have to take us all =)

2) My Mom and Dad-they are amazing. 'nuff said

Um..that's about all that is going well right now. I mean, I'm in pretty good shape most of the time-but sometimes things can just pile up and get you down. That's when I turn to God.

Maybe I should do that now. Yeah =)