SO much has happened. I'll have to have a bigger blog, later..but..lots of big things. Big, good Things!!
Monday, November 11, 2013
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Through the Lens...
"I would ask all people who do not pursue their dreams to at least make sure that the only time that's being wasted is their own."
Recently my best friend's mother asked if she could do a photo shoot of me. Just me. She's been taking classes and wanted to work on her craft. I hesitated only because I have such a love/hate relationship with the camera. I have spent many years avoiding it or trying to control the view of what is captured of me and it was scary to just let go and let someone direct me. I decided to go ahead and do it, even though I'm not physically where I want to be yet-I have to embrace the body I am in..love/hate relationship with it and all...
Recently my best friend's mother asked if she could do a photo shoot of me. Just me. She's been taking classes and wanted to work on her craft. I hesitated only because I have such a love/hate relationship with the camera. I have spent many years avoiding it or trying to control the view of what is captured of me and it was scary to just let go and let someone direct me. I decided to go ahead and do it, even though I'm not physically where I want to be yet-I have to embrace the body I am in..love/hate relationship with it and all...
"peekaboo"
"oh hey..i didn't see you there.."
"tiny harmonica"
"gazing into the sunset" (probably my favorite)
"nonsense"
"contemplations"
"pleeeeasseee...?"
"gonna hide behind this hat"
"no words"
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Running Clothes..yay!
I wanted to update and let everyone know (whoever is reading this) that I ordered some compression shorts from Old Navy and they are perfect! I ordered a size larger than I normally would have because of the reviews that were posted about them. They fit great in the waist and do what I need them to do up there but are just a wee bit big where they end on my thighs. But I can live with that-in fact I don't even notice that when I am running. I plan on ordering a few more pairs and am looking forward to running more in them!
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
CLOTHES. RUNNING. BAH
I am having the HARDEST time finding weather appropriate clothing to run in now that it's gotten hot. I need something that is going to hold me in where I need to be (the tummy and upper thigh areas), but also be light material and on the short side (pants wise-my legs sweat!). Shirts I'm doing fine in-they're shirts...but capris are just too long and all of the compression shorts that I've tried so far haven't held me where I need it to feel secure. In the last week alone I have gone out on a run twice now only to turn back and change my clothes! It's frustrating and discouraging.
That's all for now. I'll be tread-milling it today because this morning's run just didn't work out. 3 miles..go. (ugh)
That's all for now. I'll be tread-milling it today because this morning's run just didn't work out. 3 miles..go. (ugh)
Sunday, June 9, 2013
For Now
I find that I often lack the power to aptly describe what is happening in my life and lyrics help me express it in a way I may not be able to. I'm having a time like that right now. There's a delightful, irreverent show called Avenue Q that skewers with humor and pathos. In particular, for me, the lyrics from "For Now" have been racking up frequent flyer miles as I go through a bit of a trial in my personal life. It's nothing that I won't recover from, but it's taking longer than I had anticipated. The part of the song that's especially sticking in there is:
"For now we're happy...
If not overjoyed.
And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid, for now..."
If not overjoyed.
And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid, for now..."
Acceptance of something that will seemingly have no resolution is hard. If something happens that sucks..and I don't understand it, and there is no line of communication built to rectify it--I'm without ammunition. I cannot comprehend it. And I HATE that. But, it has happened and now I must pick up the pieces and rebuild.
I would say that I would hope that I would be a little less trusting and a little quicker to guard my heart in the future-but I know myself. I won't do it. When you get me-you get me 100%. I spent the better part of this week wistfully wishing that I could be a robot and just file all extraneous emotion away into a lockbox, which I would then shove out of a boat in the middle of the deep blue sea. But I'm not going to do that and it would be against my nature. Things are going to happen that suck. So, future me..? If you're looking back and reading this-remember how much your heart hurt in this situation...and be glad you're not in it anymore. Don't worry about tomorrow-just get through today. And if, at the end of the day, you can look around and count more blessings than curses-then you've won.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Words, words, words...I'm so sick of words!
Hi. Me again. So, again...words. Labels. Thoughts...twisting and boiling. This one I haven't even talked to anybody about yet--it's been too painful to think about. Anyways-here goes..
This past saturday morning I met a friend at a local, popular park to do a training run for the half marathon coming up. She could only fit in a partial run with me since she has kids with many activities to shuttle. After she left I was determined to finish my four mile run on my own even though it was VERY humid and getting hotter by the minute. It was also becoming more crowded, so as I'm working my way around the path I pass a young man. He was walking at a brisk pace, but not running, and listening to something on headphones. As I passed him others were coming from the other way and it was a tight fit for a second. Under his breath I hear him mutter....
"watch it, fatso".
Um.
Excuse me?
Did I hear him correctly?
Oh no...he DIDN'T.
But he did.
I turned around and jogged backwards for a few steps and said "what did you just say to me?"
He wouldn't look at me,,
This confirmed what I thought he said.
I, turned back around and finished my run. And I have to tell you-that was the hardest run I have ever completed. I didn't need his negative comment. I have enough negative self talk happening as it is-thank you, sir. And I know that what he said only reflected negatively on him. And I know that old saying attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. I know this. But-it just sucked. And sometimes things just are awful and there is nothing you can do about it. I will continue to run. I will continue to lose weight--but that guy? He'll always be an a$$.
This past saturday morning I met a friend at a local, popular park to do a training run for the half marathon coming up. She could only fit in a partial run with me since she has kids with many activities to shuttle. After she left I was determined to finish my four mile run on my own even though it was VERY humid and getting hotter by the minute. It was also becoming more crowded, so as I'm working my way around the path I pass a young man. He was walking at a brisk pace, but not running, and listening to something on headphones. As I passed him others were coming from the other way and it was a tight fit for a second. Under his breath I hear him mutter....
"watch it, fatso".
Um.
Excuse me?
Did I hear him correctly?
Oh no...he DIDN'T.
But he did.
I turned around and jogged backwards for a few steps and said "what did you just say to me?"
He wouldn't look at me,,
This confirmed what I thought he said.
I, turned back around and finished my run. And I have to tell you-that was the hardest run I have ever completed. I didn't need his negative comment. I have enough negative self talk happening as it is-thank you, sir. And I know that what he said only reflected negatively on him. And I know that old saying attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. I know this. But-it just sucked. And sometimes things just are awful and there is nothing you can do about it. I will continue to run. I will continue to lose weight--but that guy? He'll always be an a$$.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Labels
I was going to post this as a Facebook status..but it was getting a little on the long side..so I shall blog it.
Basically...I'm nowhere near where I want to be, physically. I'm closer than I was two years ago, or even a year ago...but I still have a long way to go. Even knowing how far I've come though- I'm still vulnerable to words. I know I use my sense of humor as a deflector. It comes in handy when trying to protect myself from harsh situations..and it gets me in trouble when I use it sarcastically a little too much. I apologize if you feel that I've ever been flippant with you. Believe me, it wasn't meant to be as hurtful as it probably came across. I kind of feel like Meg Ryan's character in "You've Got Mail":
"I was able, for the first time in my life to say the exact thing I wanted to say at the exact moment I wanted to say it. And, of course, afterwards, I felt terrible, just as you said I would. I was cruel, and I'm never cruel. And even though I can hardly believe what I said mattered to this man - to him, I am just a bug to be crushed - but what if it did? No matter what he's done to me, there is no excuse for my behavior."
Basically...I'm nowhere near where I want to be, physically. I'm closer than I was two years ago, or even a year ago...but I still have a long way to go. Even knowing how far I've come though- I'm still vulnerable to words. I know I use my sense of humor as a deflector. It comes in handy when trying to protect myself from harsh situations..and it gets me in trouble when I use it sarcastically a little too much. I apologize if you feel that I've ever been flippant with you. Believe me, it wasn't meant to be as hurtful as it probably came across. I kind of feel like Meg Ryan's character in "You've Got Mail":
"I was able, for the first time in my life to say the exact thing I wanted to say at the exact moment I wanted to say it. And, of course, afterwards, I felt terrible, just as you said I would. I was cruel, and I'm never cruel. And even though I can hardly believe what I said mattered to this man - to him, I am just a bug to be crushed - but what if it did? No matter what he's done to me, there is no excuse for my behavior."
I say this all to say...I had someone say something this weekend that just...hurt me to the core. To my innermost being..and it was just a flippant thing that they probably didn't mean hurtfully--but I have had trouble moving past it. Like I said, I know how far I've come and all the work that I've done to get to where I am now--but at that moment it felt like all that work? It was for nothing. People still look at me and see a fat girl. I am a fat girl. It's a fact. I'm sure if this person knew that what they said had affected me on such a profound level then they would be devastated..and it's really not even about them. It's about me. I am choosing to take what they said as impetus to do better. To continue on this journey. It's not an overnight trip..it's not a week vacation..it's more like a pilgrimage to a new world to set up a new settlement. I will continue to have wonderful moments on this journey..and I will continue to struggle with setbacks...but I will travel on.
I saw the Shins in concert last night and one of my favorites of theirs is this song called Caring is Creepy. I leave you with the lyrics:
I think i'll go home and mull this over
Before i cram it down my throat
At long last it's crashed, it's colossal mass
Has broken up into bits in my moat.
Lift the mattress off the floor
Walk the cramps off
Go meander in the cold
Hail to your dark skin
Hiding the fact you're dead again
Undeneath the power lines seeking shade
Far above our heads are the icy heights that contain all reason
It's a luscious mix of words and tricks
That let us bet when you know we should fold
On rocks i dreamt of where we'd stepped
And the whole mess of roads we're now on.
Hold your glass up, hold it in
Never betray the way you've always known it is.
One day i'll be wondering how
I got so old just wondering how
I never got cold wearing nothing in the snow.
This is way beyond my remote concern
Of being condescending
All these squawking birds won't quit.
Building nothing, laying bricks.
I saw the Shins in concert last night and one of my favorites of theirs is this song called Caring is Creepy. I leave you with the lyrics:
I think i'll go home and mull this over
Before i cram it down my throat
At long last it's crashed, it's colossal mass
Has broken up into bits in my moat.
Lift the mattress off the floor
Walk the cramps off
Go meander in the cold
Hail to your dark skin
Hiding the fact you're dead again
Undeneath the power lines seeking shade
Far above our heads are the icy heights that contain all reason
It's a luscious mix of words and tricks
That let us bet when you know we should fold
On rocks i dreamt of where we'd stepped
And the whole mess of roads we're now on.
Hold your glass up, hold it in
Never betray the way you've always known it is.
One day i'll be wondering how
I got so old just wondering how
I never got cold wearing nothing in the snow.
This is way beyond my remote concern
Of being condescending
All these squawking birds won't quit.
Building nothing, laying bricks.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
SO, this the thing....
Hi
I haven't written in quite a while.
There's a reason...
It's not a good one.
But it's a reason.
You see...this is the thing. Every time I go to start to write something, I read it back and I'm like: this is stupid. No one will want to read this. Delete. Move on. But tonight-it needs to be out there, so here goes.
I mostly keep everyone up to date on my facebook, but I haven't been posting on there as much with the personal stuff (although I'm full of crazy cat pictures and george takei shares)....because this journey that I'm on? I love sharing it with you. I do. But, it's gotten really personal. I hit a certain amount of weight lost and I kind of lost my mind for a bit. To look at me you wouldn't have been able to tell. I was still working at it. Running (good lord, the running!), exercising in general...running races..but, inwardly I was struggling. Am struggling. And I finally decided to do something about it. I needed to talk to someone. Someone who isn't related to me. Someone who has an opinion about things, but isn't my friend. Someone with a degree and is able to talk about these things. So, this week marks my fifth session with a psychologist. She's great and we are making a lot of progress (I think). She's helped me talk through some things that happened in my past, some things that happened in the not too distant past, and ways to equip myself for the future and dealing with 'stuff'. Because the way I used to deal with stuff? It wasn't there for me anymore..well, it was-but I had to walk away. Food has always represented comfort and safety for me-but I've had to learn to look at it as what it really is-fuel. And while I'm making those adjustments I had to make sure that I wasn't taking one addiction and just substituting it with another: exercise. The running thing I started because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it..and guess what? I can. Since I last posted here..? I've run a 10 miler, several 5k's and a mud run...and, the biggie: a half marathon. I never thought I would ever say that in a million years. Along the way I've had some amazing supporters and I couldn't have done it without you. Your kind words, encouragements and prayers have helped me battle the inner demons that tell me I can't do it. That I'm not good enough..no one will want to love me...that I must look foolish running...etc. You name the self negative talk..and I've had it. I think that I have come a long way, especially in the last 6-8 months. I had to make some tough decisions about who I want to be, and how I want people to perceive me. And maybe to not care what they think. The only thing that matters is how I view myself and how God views me. And He loves me. He's proven it to me in oh so many ways over and over. I don't want to get all preachy on you all here-but do you know Him? Have you talked with Him? He's waiting for you. I hope that you listen to His call.
That's all for my rambling right now. I had to take a week break from running to nurse an 'ouchie' knee and today was my first tentative run back after it. And it. was. amazing. I loved it. Wow. So, I have a few races that are "maybes" coming up but two that I'm running for sure. The Annapolis 10 miler on August 24th, and the Rock n' Roll Half Marathon in VB on September 1st. I welcome anyone to come and cheer me along the way. I will usually just post my run on my Nike app after I've finished a run, but can you do me a solid? If I post on Facebook that I'm currently on a run through Nike--it's because I need those cheers! Every time someone likes the activity or comments on it the app literally plays the noise of a crowd cheering and noise makers. It's awesome. So, thanks in advance for that. I love you. I'm here for you. Message me if you have any questions about anything I've said in this blog post. Or if you need a hug. Hugging is my favorite.
-g'nite
I haven't written in quite a while.
There's a reason...
It's not a good one.
But it's a reason.
You see...this is the thing. Every time I go to start to write something, I read it back and I'm like: this is stupid. No one will want to read this. Delete. Move on. But tonight-it needs to be out there, so here goes.
I mostly keep everyone up to date on my facebook, but I haven't been posting on there as much with the personal stuff (although I'm full of crazy cat pictures and george takei shares)....because this journey that I'm on? I love sharing it with you. I do. But, it's gotten really personal. I hit a certain amount of weight lost and I kind of lost my mind for a bit. To look at me you wouldn't have been able to tell. I was still working at it. Running (good lord, the running!), exercising in general...running races..but, inwardly I was struggling. Am struggling. And I finally decided to do something about it. I needed to talk to someone. Someone who isn't related to me. Someone who has an opinion about things, but isn't my friend. Someone with a degree and is able to talk about these things. So, this week marks my fifth session with a psychologist. She's great and we are making a lot of progress (I think). She's helped me talk through some things that happened in my past, some things that happened in the not too distant past, and ways to equip myself for the future and dealing with 'stuff'. Because the way I used to deal with stuff? It wasn't there for me anymore..well, it was-but I had to walk away. Food has always represented comfort and safety for me-but I've had to learn to look at it as what it really is-fuel. And while I'm making those adjustments I had to make sure that I wasn't taking one addiction and just substituting it with another: exercise. The running thing I started because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it..and guess what? I can. Since I last posted here..? I've run a 10 miler, several 5k's and a mud run...and, the biggie: a half marathon. I never thought I would ever say that in a million years. Along the way I've had some amazing supporters and I couldn't have done it without you. Your kind words, encouragements and prayers have helped me battle the inner demons that tell me I can't do it. That I'm not good enough..no one will want to love me...that I must look foolish running...etc. You name the self negative talk..and I've had it. I think that I have come a long way, especially in the last 6-8 months. I had to make some tough decisions about who I want to be, and how I want people to perceive me. And maybe to not care what they think. The only thing that matters is how I view myself and how God views me. And He loves me. He's proven it to me in oh so many ways over and over. I don't want to get all preachy on you all here-but do you know Him? Have you talked with Him? He's waiting for you. I hope that you listen to His call.
That's all for my rambling right now. I had to take a week break from running to nurse an 'ouchie' knee and today was my first tentative run back after it. And it. was. amazing. I loved it. Wow. So, I have a few races that are "maybes" coming up but two that I'm running for sure. The Annapolis 10 miler on August 24th, and the Rock n' Roll Half Marathon in VB on September 1st. I welcome anyone to come and cheer me along the way. I will usually just post my run on my Nike app after I've finished a run, but can you do me a solid? If I post on Facebook that I'm currently on a run through Nike--it's because I need those cheers! Every time someone likes the activity or comments on it the app literally plays the noise of a crowd cheering and noise makers. It's awesome. So, thanks in advance for that. I love you. I'm here for you. Message me if you have any questions about anything I've said in this blog post. Or if you need a hug. Hugging is my favorite.
-g'nite
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