Basically...I'm nowhere near where I want to be, physically. I'm closer than I was two years ago, or even a year ago...but I still have a long way to go. Even knowing how far I've come though- I'm still vulnerable to words. I know I use my sense of humor as a deflector. It comes in handy when trying to protect myself from harsh situations..and it gets me in trouble when I use it sarcastically a little too much. I apologize if you feel that I've ever been flippant with you. Believe me, it wasn't meant to be as hurtful as it probably came across. I kind of feel like Meg Ryan's character in "You've Got Mail":
"I was able, for the first time in my life to say the exact thing I wanted to say at the exact moment I wanted to say it. And, of course, afterwards, I felt terrible, just as you said I would. I was cruel, and I'm never cruel. And even though I can hardly believe what I said mattered to this man - to him, I am just a bug to be crushed - but what if it did? No matter what he's done to me, there is no excuse for my behavior."
I say this all to say...I had someone say something this weekend that just...hurt me to the core. To my innermost being..and it was just a flippant thing that they probably didn't mean hurtfully--but I have had trouble moving past it. Like I said, I know how far I've come and all the work that I've done to get to where I am now--but at that moment it felt like all that work? It was for nothing. People still look at me and see a fat girl. I am a fat girl. It's a fact. I'm sure if this person knew that what they said had affected me on such a profound level then they would be devastated..and it's really not even about them. It's about me. I am choosing to take what they said as impetus to do better. To continue on this journey. It's not an overnight trip..it's not a week vacation..it's more like a pilgrimage to a new world to set up a new settlement. I will continue to have wonderful moments on this journey..and I will continue to struggle with setbacks...but I will travel on.
I saw the Shins in concert last night and one of my favorites of theirs is this song called Caring is Creepy. I leave you with the lyrics:
I think i'll go home and mull this over
Before i cram it down my throat
At long last it's crashed, it's colossal mass
Has broken up into bits in my moat.
Lift the mattress off the floor
Walk the cramps off
Go meander in the cold
Hail to your dark skin
Hiding the fact you're dead again
Undeneath the power lines seeking shade
Far above our heads are the icy heights that contain all reason
It's a luscious mix of words and tricks
That let us bet when you know we should fold
On rocks i dreamt of where we'd stepped
And the whole mess of roads we're now on.
Hold your glass up, hold it in
Never betray the way you've always known it is.
One day i'll be wondering how
I got so old just wondering how
I never got cold wearing nothing in the snow.
This is way beyond my remote concern
Of being condescending
All these squawking birds won't quit.
Building nothing, laying bricks.
I saw the Shins in concert last night and one of my favorites of theirs is this song called Caring is Creepy. I leave you with the lyrics:
I think i'll go home and mull this over
Before i cram it down my throat
At long last it's crashed, it's colossal mass
Has broken up into bits in my moat.
Lift the mattress off the floor
Walk the cramps off
Go meander in the cold
Hail to your dark skin
Hiding the fact you're dead again
Undeneath the power lines seeking shade
Far above our heads are the icy heights that contain all reason
It's a luscious mix of words and tricks
That let us bet when you know we should fold
On rocks i dreamt of where we'd stepped
And the whole mess of roads we're now on.
Hold your glass up, hold it in
Never betray the way you've always known it is.
One day i'll be wondering how
I got so old just wondering how
I never got cold wearing nothing in the snow.
This is way beyond my remote concern
Of being condescending
All these squawking birds won't quit.
Building nothing, laying bricks.
2 comments:
We are not fat, we HAVE fat. And we can get RID of fat, and you ARE getting rid of fat. You've been kicking fat in the face for the past however long you've been kicking it, and you've done incredible things on your journey. I love how you described it, "A pilgrimage to a new world to set up a new settlement." You are in the midst of a mind-blowingly impressive transformation, and there are going to be people who don't know what that means to people like us. You and I know that this process is just as much about mental and emotional transformation as it is physical.
One must be a duck, Shawna... And when I say be a duck, I mean to let the water roll right off your back. This pilgrimage is YOURS, and no one else's. I know for a fact you can get a million compliments and feel incredible, but all it takes is one nasty remark to tear you all the back down again- but that's where the mental and emotional development comes in. (I'm still practicing, have yet to perfect the 'not letting negativity get to me' thing. But just try and remember that you are doing something that the majority of people will not ever do. If losing weight and transforming yourself were EASY, no one would have to do it- we'd all already be in perfect shape wouldn't we?
Be proud of your accomplishments and when you're bummed about how far you feel you've got left to travel, try and remember how far you've already come and realize that every day is a day closer to reaching the apex.
You've got this in the bag mama. Don't let the assholes hold you down.
You are beautiful Shawna - inside and out! Your journey has been an inspiration to me and countless others! The condition of our bodies does not encompass who we are at our core. That insensitive buttwad obviously has HUGE character flaws. You are fantastic through and through!!!
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