Through the Lens...

"I would ask all people who do not pursue their dreams to at least make sure that the only time that's being wasted is their own."

Recently my best friend's mother asked if she could do a photo shoot of me. Just me. She's been taking classes and wanted to work on her craft. I hesitated only because I have such a love/hate relationship with the camera. I have spent many years avoiding it or trying to control the view of what is captured of me and it was scary to just let go and let someone direct me. I decided to go ahead and do it, even though I'm not physically where I want to be yet-I have to embrace the body I am in..love/hate relationship with it and all...

 "peekaboo"

 "oh hey..i didn't see you there.."

 "tiny harmonica"

 "gazing into the sunset" (probably my favorite)

 "nonsense"

 "contemplations"

 "pleeeeasseee...?"

 "gonna hide behind this hat"

"no words"

Running Clothes..yay!

I wanted to update and let everyone know (whoever is reading this) that I ordered some compression shorts from Old Navy and they are perfect! I ordered a size larger than I normally would have because of the reviews that were posted about them. They fit great in the waist and do what I need them to do up there but are just a wee bit big where they end on my thighs. But I can live with that-in fact I don't even notice that when I am running. I plan on ordering a few more pairs and am looking forward to running more in them!

CLOTHES. RUNNING. BAH

I am having the HARDEST time finding weather appropriate clothing to run in now that it's gotten hot. I need something that is going to hold me in where I need to be (the tummy and upper thigh areas), but also be light material and on the short side (pants wise-my legs sweat!).  Shirts I'm doing fine in-they're shirts...but capris are just too long and all of the compression shorts that I've tried so far haven't held me where I need it to feel secure. In the last week alone I have gone out on a run twice now only to turn back and change my clothes! It's frustrating and discouraging.

That's all for now. I'll be tread-milling it today because this morning's run just didn't work out. 3 miles..go. (ugh)

For Now

I find that I often lack the power to aptly describe what is happening in my life and lyrics help me express it in a way I may not be able to. I'm having a time like that right now. There's a delightful, irreverent show called Avenue Q that skewers with humor and pathos. In particular, for me, the lyrics from "For Now" have been racking up frequent flyer miles as I go through a bit of a trial in my personal life. It's nothing that I won't recover from, but it's taking longer than I had anticipated. The part of the song that's especially sticking in there is: 

"For now we're happy...


If not overjoyed.


And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid, for now..."

Acceptance of something that will seemingly have no resolution is hard. If something happens that sucks..and I don't understand it, and there is no line of communication built to rectify it--I'm without ammunition. I cannot comprehend it. And I HATE that. But, it has happened and now I must pick up the pieces and rebuild. 

I would say that I would hope that I would be a little less trusting and a little quicker to guard my heart in the future-but I know myself. I won't do it. When you get me-you get me 100%. I spent the better part of this week wistfully wishing that I could be a robot and just file all extraneous emotion away into a lockbox, which I would then shove out of a boat in the middle of the deep blue sea. But I'm not going to do that and it would be against my nature. Things are going to happen that suck. So, future me..? If you're looking back and reading this-remember how much your heart hurt in this situation...and be glad you're not in it anymore. Don't worry about tomorrow-just get through today. And if, at the end of the day, you can look around and count more blessings than curses-then you've won.

Words, words, words...I'm so sick of words!

Hi. Me again. So, again...words. Labels. Thoughts...twisting and boiling. This one I  haven't even talked to anybody about yet--it's been too painful to think about. Anyways-here goes..

This past saturday morning I met a friend at a local, popular park to do a training run for the half marathon coming up. She could only fit in a partial run with me since she has kids with many activities to shuttle. After she left I was determined to finish my four mile run on my own even though it was VERY humid and getting hotter by the minute. It was also becoming more crowded, so as I'm working my way around the path I pass a young man.  He was walking at a brisk pace, but not running, and listening to something on headphones. As I passed him others were coming from the other way and it was a tight fit for a second. Under his breath I hear him mutter....


"watch it, fatso".

Um.

Excuse me?

Did I hear him correctly?

Oh no...he DIDN'T.

But he did.

I turned around and jogged backwards for a few steps and said "what did you just say to me?"

He wouldn't look at me,,

This confirmed what I thought he said.

I, turned back around and finished my run. And I have to tell you-that was the hardest run I have ever completed. I didn't need his negative comment. I have enough negative self talk happening as it is-thank you, sir. And I know that what he said only reflected negatively on him. And I know that old saying attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. I know this. But-it just sucked. And sometimes things just are awful and there is nothing you can do about it. I will continue to run. I will continue to lose weight--but that guy? He'll always be an a$$.