Sigh

warning: emo rant ahead.

remind me to never look at pictures of myself running..ever again. EVER. horrible. just..awful. I can't imagine what i looked like before I lost 78 pounds. I mean..the belly...it's just..wow. Horrible.

The Last Thing I wanted to do...

And I mean the very last thing I wanted to do tonight was head to the gym and meet my trainer. I fought it the whole way but I knew that if I put him off that he actually wouldn't let me put him off. He's kind of awesome about that...in the short time that we've been working together he's figured out just when he can push me-and when to give me a break (albeit a SMALL one). He helped me get ready for the 10K I ran last Saturday by getting my core strengthened and making me run in between all of these horrible exercises I swear are in some torture manual somewhere. And then he'd have me do another round. Or two. But that is what makes him a good trainer. There is no way on earth that I would have pushed myself to do even half of what he made me do-even knowing what we've worked on...the thought of having to recreate it without him encouraging me along the way makes me doubtful that I'll actually do it. Today's routine started like normal-with a warmup run on the treadmill-normally it's a mile but today he made it a mile and a half. From there on out each set was punctuated by a quarter mile run on the treadmill. As I was doing the last one I huff/puffed said to him-you know...a lot of this exercise thing is mental. He agreed and pointed out that the knowledge of knowing that I could do what he put me through will carry me through that next race I train for. The big one is coming up--I took the plunge and signed up for a 10 miler. A few crazy people are going to do it with me. I love them for it (they know who they are). I never in a billion gazillion years thought I would be this person that does these run things. But I like it.

Here are a few pictures from this past weekend's Wicked 10K. It was a blast.

Dave, Jenn and myself post-race

Why yes. I did wear my wicked shirt/medal all day!

I just couldn't find a necklace to wear the next day so I had to wear my medal. Of course

My official time was 1 hour 18 mins 20 secs (but I like this one better)

Official placement..7, 264 runners and I wasn't last! Yay!

Whoa. Two blog posts in one day

This might be a record.

Tonight would have been the perfect night to open the sunroof, crank open the windows, turn on the heated seat and cruise down an empty highway singing your heart out to the lyrics of your chosen band-preferably emo/cathartic in nature. (For me it would have been the Promise by When in Rome) But with gas prices the way that they are I had to forego that pleasure this evening. Plus I had places to be and things to do. 

One thing I have been spending a lot of money lately on is registering and preparing for various races. The shirt I ordered to wear this Saturday for the Blue Moon Wicked 10K just came in today. It's nothing exciting-just a black Nike dri-fit short sleeved running shirt, but I couldn't find the one I wanted in the store and I am dressing up like a bee. I have antenna and wings from last year and my mom is making me a black and yellow tutu to wear over my outfit. I don't want to wear anything too cumbersome as I will be running the furthest I have ever run before and frankly (and here we are at the point of this post tonight)-I am terrified.

I am afraid that I will stop running and not be able to start again. 

I am afraid that I will fall. 

I am afraid that people will laugh at me. 

I am afraid that I will let everybody down.

I am afraid that I will let myself down.

I am afraid that no one will turn up to cheer me on.

I am afraid that people WILL turn up to cheer me on.

I am afraid. 

I have been working so hard and for so long. Not just in preparing for this race, but for everything. For sticking with Weight Watchers even though I have wanted to quit and am in a horrible plateau. I've never been in better shape, but I stil have so far to go! It's overwhelming. 

I was looking for quotes from one of my favorites-Eleanor Roosevelt-and this one I think will help get me through this next hurdle:

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself. 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

If you know me at all or follow me on Facebook you'll know that I have been working with a personal trainer and it has been cathartic. He's pushed me to places I never thought I would be able to go and made me run yet another mile after it because he could see in me that I could do it. And I did. I hope to live up to the confidence that he has in me. He told me-see--after all of that-you could do another mile. Remember that when you think you can't go any farther-that day in that session that one time-you did another mile after all the stuff I put you through. So, come cheer me on this Saturday. It is a really fun race to watch (my God the COSTUMES! Hilarious!)..but besides that-you can watch me conquer fear head on.

Here is a link to the course map.

The Danger of Self Pity

I don't have any words of wisdom, personally, on this--only that I saw this posted somewhere else today and it really helped me put things in perspective. They are from Stephen Fry, actor, writer, amazing person...and the website I'm copying/pasting them from is: pootability and here are his words (taken from a television interview):

Certainly the most destructive vice, if you like, that a person can have – more than pride, which is supposedly the number one of the cardinal sins – is self-pity. I think self-pity is the worst possible emotion anyone can have. And the most destructive.

It is, to slightly paraphrase what Wilde said about hatred (and I think that hatred is a subset of self-pity, not the other way around) it destroys everything around it except itself.

Self-pity will destroy relationships; it will destroy anything that’s good, it will fulfill all the prophecies it makes and leave only itself. It is so simple to imagine that one is hard done by and that things are unfair and that one is under-appreciated and that if only one had a chance at this or if only one had a chance at that things would have gone better: you would be happier if only this.. that one is unlucky. All those things. And some of them may well even be true.

But to pity oneself as a result of them, is to do oneself an enormous disservice. [..] I almost wanted once to publish a self-help book saying “How to be happy” by Stephen Fry.

“Guaranteed success” And then people would buy this huge book and it’s all blank pages. And the first page would just say:

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself and you will be happy. Use the rest of the book to write down your interesting thoughts and drawings.” And that’s what the book would be and it would be true. It sounds like “oh, that’s so simple.” But, of course, it’s not simple to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Bloody hard. Because we do feel sorry for ourselves.

PeePeeVille and other matters

Whenever I drop off the face of the earth blog-wise you can assume that I'm involved in another show. This one is called Urinetown: The Musical and it's HI-larious. generictheater.org to reserve your tickets. We run through Sep 23 with performances on Th/Fri/Sat at 8pm and Sundays at 2:30pm. This is probably one of the best shows I've been involved in-don't miss it!

In other news..I'm still playing piano/singing at my church. My dad and I are doing a duet this Sunday and I want you to consider this your personal invitation to come hear us and to try my church out. Who? You. Yes, you. It's London Bridge Baptist Church, 2460 Potters Rd, Virginia Beach, VA. The service is at 10am. This song, from the moment I read the words-much less listened to it, just..wow. It's going to be one that will be difficult to get through without breaking down in tears. I will post the lyrics here..of course it's by Selah-one of my favorite groups. Which, actually i didn't know until I googled the title. Anyways. Check it out:

Selah - Unredeemed Lyrics

Artist: Selah

Album: You Deliver Me

• Songwriters: Chad Cates, Brian David Petak, Tony Wood

Please enable javascript to see this content.

The cruelest word, the coldest heart
The deepest wound, the endless dark
The lonely ache, the burning tears
The bitter nights, the wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered
Is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope

We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered
Is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed

Oh, He will wipe every tear
Will not be, be unredeemed

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle the Father has in store
Just watch and see, it will not be
Just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed

(the end)

I hope to see you there....

Sundays..sigh...I mean, right?

Every now and then I fancy myself as something of a somewhat good writer. Then I read something really well written and I'm like...yeah. Me? Not so much. I'll attempt to keep writing this blog though. I suppose you'll never get better at something unless you keep practicing. Sunday afternoons/evenings are a bit of a strange time for me. I'm not really dreading going back to work, per se..I'm just dreading getting back into a 'routine'. I hate routines. It helps when I have a show going on-because after work I have rehearsal to look forward to. A lot of my good friends are in this show so it's like bonus hang out time. But, Sundays...yeah. Today I just wanted to be mostly lazy and I think I made a pretty good job out of it. I mean-I did take a nap..and watch a lot of Law and Order: Criminal Intent...But I also bought a ukelele, went to the gym. Since we're about to be in the last two weeks of rehearsal I probably won't have a lot of gym time. I did try to stay off of Facebook-but that dang site pulls me in. I have made a concerted effort to not be on it as much during the week because it's such a time-sucker. But my weekends are a bit more free and it just pulls me right back in. Plus, who else is going to post the funny pictures I find on the interwebz?

On a serious note though-Sunday afternoon/evenings can be a dangerous time for me because I have time to think/analyze/pick apart details of any event I happen to think of. And get depressed. Today I posted a picture of some scripture that was preached at service today-and I've read that passage before but it was like I had never seen it before. It's the 'as the deer' psalm..the rest of it is really kind of depressing-and eventually resolves in the next chapter-but something about it really touched home today.

I think ultimately what it comes down to when I get like this-is just that I'm lonely. Yes, I have a ton of friends..but my heart continues to desire to have a companion. I wish it wasn't so-but that seems to be how I'm wired. So, while it doesn't happen-I will continue to pray for my future person. Whoever you are-I hope you are well and I can't wait to meet you.

shortest blog entry ever.

I told someone that I could handle something. And at the time, I think I really thought I could. I have come to realize that I can't. Now that I have realized this I know that I need to start acting accordingly to protect myself. I wish things could be a certain way-but they never will be. Today I will grieve it. Tomorrow is a new day.

Even more pictures...to fulfill a request... =)

Hi!

So, I'm just trucking along..I've lost 70.8 pounds in a year. I have a lot to go still but I'm very encouraged and continue to keep on keeping on. I'm just as busy as usual and I've got to carefully plan out my workouts in my weird schedule-but somehow it all manages to happen.

I've had some requests for some picture updates to see how I'm progressing..so, here goes! Sorry if you're my Facebook friend too..I promise I'll stop posting pics of myself. Soon. It's just that..it helps me to see the visual change. I'm trying to not get too vain though-I promise!

 Chick's Beach

 post workout with my bff

 Bored and waiting in traffic

 my new haircut (which I adore) I've been growing my hair out since Oct 2011! Ugh

 With my buddies seeing another buddy or two in Hamlet! Post Pool Party look..ugh

Hanging out at the Fairgrounds

The theme is my purple coverup apparently! I've been going to the beach a lot and it's my go-to cover up for my bathing suit. Anyways. That's me! Over and out! =)

Almost a year ago...

This picture was taken on 'the' day. The day that I decided enough was enough. 

My friends and I were dressing up "80's" style to go see Heart and some other bands...some big ones..but Heart is really who I went to see. I was tearing my wardrobe apart looking for something that would fit and wouldn't make me feel like a blimp. I looked at my mom and said: "I'm too fat to be in public". She was horrified. But I really meant it. I could no longer stand what I had become. That was June 25, 2011 and I joined Weight Watchers on July 2, 2011. I'm coming up on my year anniversary of deciding enough is enough-and I couldn't be happier. I've lost almost (sooo close) 70 pounds and I feel so much better. I am exercising regularly, I have more energy than I've ever had before..and I'm just happier. If you've been sitting on the fence-not happy about how things are going with your body..I'm suggesting that you take charge. Let yourself feel better. You'll never know where it will lead you in a year.

Girls on the Run 5K

This weekend marked a very exciting accomplishment for me. I ran my first 'timed' 5K! If you've been keeping up with me on Facebook or Twitter then you knew that this was coming. I ran the Color Me Rad back on May 6, which was amazing-but I don't think it was a full 5K (as I finished in like 35 minutes..lol) and they didn't time it officially at all. It was a great introduction to running in a group of people though and it really prepared me to be in that kind of environment.

So, most of the week leading up to the run on Saturday was rainy so I was forced to run on the treadmill rather than outside-but I made sure to concentrate on not stopping to walk at all. It is such a different feeling to run outside vs. in...on the treadmill you're really controlled and can keep a steady pace--out in the open-all bets are off! I think that running on the treadmill to a certain soundtrack kept me aware of my pace and helped me to stay consistent on Saturday.  My endurance has really come a long way as I only stopped to walk during the race for a few minutes at a time and ended up averaging 13.19/mile! That's faster (and longer) than what I ever ran in high school. It's so funny though-when the run started my first thought to myself is..what have I gotten myself in to? I had a slight wardrobe malfunction (which my friend, Bonnie, graciously helped me out with) and after that was fixed things went a LOT better. Gotta keep the 'girls' strapped in, ladies..if you know what I mean! =) I felt good throughout the race and loved that endorphin kick after finishing! I could have taken over the world! My friends and I then went and had a nice big brunch at D'Egg downtown to celebrate. We figured we deserved it!


The not so great news is that I had woken up Friday morning with a weird tickle in my throat so I was sure to go to bed nice and early that night-and I felt a little 'eh' on Saturday but for the most part I was just excited and ready to run. I kept losing my voice throughout the day though and by Sunday morning it was completely gone and I was full blown sick. I'm sad because I missed out at church on Sunday morning but I am glad that it held off until when it did. I feel 'okay' today...going to take one more day off from the gym probably and wait to audition for a new show until tomorrow night. I just need some more rest I think.

Here are some links to 'journals' I posted of my races made through iPhoto on my iPhone. (applenerdalert). Enjoy!

Color Me Rad
Girls on the Run 5K

Sometimes I wonder...

I was at the gym tonight, sweating my a$$ off and I got to thinking and pondering past  the 'good lordalmightywhenisthisgoingtostophelpmeplease thoughts that usually go through my head. I wondered what it would have been like to have never had a problem with my weight. If I had never sat at the 'table that eats their feelings' (mean girls, anyone?) and had just been 'normal' sized instead. Well, healthy. Let's not get into what 'normal' is. In fact, one of my favorite souvenir cups is one I got while seeing The Addams Family Musical..it says 'define normal'. Ha. But I digress.


When I look back at pictures of myself from high school almost 20 years ago now (geez)..I see a normal sized girl. I probably could have stood to lose a few pounds but I was mostly around a size 12 or 14 all through high school. A size I'm dying to fit back into. The point is-I always always ALWAYS thought I was fat back then. And if I was comparing myself to the stick insects that I went to school with-then I was, but again-I digress. What if I hadn't been fixated on that? What if I had just stayed the same size? What other struggles would have I gotten myself into? I probably would be glad that I have had the struggles and trials that I'm having with weight-because at least I can do something about it. This line of thinking won't get my anywhere..but it did make me wonder.

This was me posing for a senior prom picture. More on that when I am feeling a little more able to share some vulnerable memories.

Staying the Course....

What keeps you going?

What motivates you to continue on a difficult journey?

Do you just give up?

Do you persevere and maintain that drive?
Where does that drive come from?

As I have been losing weight these are questions that keep coming up. People ask me how I stay so focused or if I just want to give up. Or they admire my tenacity and claim that "they could never do that". Well, I'm the one that got myself in this predicament and I'm the one that will have to get myself out of it. No one else can do it for me. My drive comes from within and from an assurance that I have many people praying for me, and I can feel it.

 I started working on my weight loss in July of 2011. The path I was on led to an early death at the worst, heart disease and degenerative disc diseases in my back and sleep apnea at the least. Some of the damage that has been done cannot be undone-but by losing the extra weight and visiting the chiropractor regularly I can make sure that further damage does not occur. In fact, it was some excruciating back pain (to the point where I couldn't bend over to tie my own shoes) that led me to making an appointment at the chiropractor in the first place-because the massage I tried just seemed to make it worse. I have been going for a little over a year now to In Good Hands Chiropractic with Drs. Lou and Tiffany Fernandez. Both Dr. Lou and Dr. Tiffany have been instrumental in helping me get to a good place, physically. They have been encouraging, pushed me when I needed it and overall been fantastic. I have their number if you're looking for a good chiropractor.

Anyways-once I started to feel better, physically, I knew it was time to do something about my overall health. I had tried Weight Watchers before, and been successful, but I knew that as soon as I stopped following the plan-I gained it all back, and then some. But that wasn't the program's fault-that was mine. I was so rigid in how I followed it before that I didn't allow myself any wiggle room. And when it felt like it was difficult to do it-I didn't want to do it anymore. The great thing about Weight Watchers now is that they've made it incredibly easy to keep yourself accountable. I have an app on my phone that allows me to track my food and activity throughout the day/week and it also allows me to see an overall graph of my weight loss so I can see my journey-visually. Nothing motivates me more than to look at my overall weight loss and see that line go down and down and down....and then sometimes stay the same...which kicks me into gear. I have set little mini goals along the way and try to make sure that I don't get overwhelmed with the end goal weight. That's something I'll hit in the future, but not something to overwhelm myself with either.

Physically I have really tried to stay consistent in going to the gym. I have done 3 shows (AD-ed one and been in two others) since getting back with Weight Watchers in June and in spite of a busy schedule I have been able to attend the gym at least twice a week, on the average. In fact-people might be annoyed by how much I 'check into' my gym on facebook-but I can't help it-it helps me to know that people know that I'm there, and sweating my booty off! Even more recently I downloaded a couch to 5K app that got me running, literally. I have signed up for two actual 5K's and have really found my stride when it comes to running-something I never, ever in a million years thought I would do. The first race is called the Color Me Rad-and it looks like it is going to be SO MUCH FUN! A bunch of my friends and I are doing it together and here's the website if you want to check it out: . The other one is a more 'traditional' 5K, and that will be on May 19th in downtown Norfolk. Feel free to encourage me! As well as 'cheer' me on when you see my using my Nike Plus app on Facebook.

Having such an amazing family and group of friends has been invaluable. I could not do this without you all and all of your encouragement. Thank you for every comment, every like on every gym check in or whatever. I love it. Thank you.

The 'Pause'...

I love music. Pretty much anyone who knows me knows this about me. I play the piano and I sing and I do love it when I get to do both (even if the job that allows me to do so doesn't alway gel with my theatrical schedule-I have a very understanding boss..but I digress). Some of my favorite moments in music are when there is a pause-right before you know it's going to get REALLY good. We're playing one of those songs that uses that kind of moment effectively in our worship service tomorrow night. It is absolutely one of my favorite songs to play..and it got me to thinking. That pause in the music-it didn't have to be there, it's actually something we exaggerate when we play it with our little group..if it wasn't there, sure the song would be fine-but it's so much better with it there. I feel that I am kind of in a 'pause' right now in my life. What has gone on before has been great, and gotten me to this moment-but what is coming...I can FEEL the anticipation. I trust and believe that it's going to be something fantastic...and that it will be worth the wait. In the meantime-I'll try to enjoy being in that pause..and if you'd care to join me..I'd welcome the company. Join me in the antici......pation! (as dr. frank n. furter would say...)

Uncomfortable Conversations...

Everyone has to have them at some time in their life. It may be an argument that you're having with someone. Or being told something you don't want to hear..or telling someone something that you suspect they probably don't want to hear. I spent a greater part of my life avoiding uncomfortable conversations. If it was something that I could somehow avoid..then I avoided it. The problem that came with that though is that I was never happy. I mean, yes, I have experienced happiness-but things that I could have grown in years ago I just didn't, because I didn't want to deal with it. I have realized that in order to move on with things, and to find peace and a place of growth then those uncomfortable conversations have to happen. I'm about a week out from having an uncomfortable conversation..it doesn't matter about what. It happened, and while things didn't go the way that I wanted them....now that it's out there and been talked about and aired out-I can move on to that place of growth and getting over it. If I hadn't said anything, and just let it fester I would have been more miserable and more in a place of despair than if I had never said anything at all. So, what is it that you're avoiding today? I encourage you to think about having that uncomfortable conversation. Even if deep down you think it may not go the way you want-you'll probably be better off for it. Eventually.

Welcome to the Twilight Zone...

This happened about two weeks ago and I've been trying to remember to post about it ever since! So, let me entertain you with a tale of my little trip into the twilight zone. I try to leave my house in the morning with enough time so that I have time to get to the break room for my work-which is located in a different part of the mall than the store I work in so I can drop off my lunch and various items. It doesn't always work out with enough time(the snooze alarm is NOT your friend!!), but on this particular day the timing (and traffic) was good. I usually park on the fourth level and make my way down to the 2nd level in various different ways. This particular day I decided to walk down a short flight of stairs to the third level of the mall (where the food court and all is) and take the elevator down to the second. I hit the button a few times, but it was taking forever to come. I could see from the reflection across the way that they were all just sitting on the second level, but not moving, no matter how many times I hit the button. Seeing as I had enough time I decided to just make my way around to the escalator instead. As I walk around to it, I look over to the bank of elevators and as I step on to the escalator I realize that not only are they all on the second floor, but that they seem to have a few people stuck in the middle one. This is where the twilight zone kicks in...there are two people stuck in the elevator and one of them looked SO much like me from 8 months ago that I literally was dumbstruck. The girl had short hair, was wearing a red fleece type shirt (like our store's holiday colors), and jeans...and was about the size I was about 8 months ago. I couldn't stop looking at her. I really feel like I was looking into some sort of time vortex mirror from what I used to look like. I was so distracted that I had reached the bottom of the escalator and almost fell, but just ended up making my foot come out of the heel of my shoe. Anybody watching me probably would have laughed. Anyways. I really don't know what all this means, if anything...by the time I got back around from going to the break room the elevator was working again and she was long gone, so I never got a fantastic look at her. But seriously, from afar-it was me. Overall the incident has given me extra incentive to keep going down the weight loss track that I have started on. It seems to be taking SO long sometimes, and then at other times-it's just flown by. Most of all I'm just trying to stay motivated, keep making good choices, and keep putting myself and my health first. It was weird, but it made me think..and appreciate the work I've done so far.

Happy New Year..and deep thoughts...and mucus...

I find myself waxing philosophical these days. That tends to happen when I'm not feeling well and man have I NOT been feeling well. I got a pretty bad cold towards the middle of doing Jekyll and Hyde, in fact it developed into bronchitis and laryngitis (the singer's worst nightmare) but my doctor put me on the z-pak and it cleared it right up. Fast forward about a month later and on January 2nd I sneezed at 8:13am EST..and it all started up again! (and I'm only slightly dramatic). That one sneeze opened up the doorway to a full blown sinus infection/fever/cold/plague that sent me home early on Tuesday and out of work on Wednesday and to the doctor..again. I used to be a hypochondriac as a child so I really try not to go to the doctor anymore. It really burns me up that I have had to go twice in the last two months! Good thing I have good insurance. He put me on amoxicillin and suggested decongestants as well. It's really miserable not being able to breathe through both nostrils at the same time.

Anyways, while laying around yesterday feeling sorry for myself I started to think about life..and love. Almost four years ago now I took a class on the life and works of C.S. Lewis. I got to travel to England and walk where he walked and study his words in detail. I, being my typical self, procrastinated reading the material of course, and had to read a lot of it on the plane ride over..and I find now that I want to re-read it and really appreciate it. He wrote in "The Four Loves": “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” I really appreciate this and wanted to share it with you. Something to think about as we start a new year..don't let yourself be locked away, holding your love to yourself. You have to step out there...be vulnerable..be willing to share. It's the only way to truly live...in my opinion at least.