After the show is over....

Depression sets in...sigh.

So, Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical has finished its final performance, the set has been torn down and the next show is already working up on stage. I know it's inevitable but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. This show, these people, this experience..was different. I truly got along with pretty much everyone involved (a miracle with such dramatic people around =) and I suspect that the friendships forged from the show and the ones that were strengthened, are going to be friendships that will last a lifetime. I loved every moment of working on it. I can honestly say that I never took this role or this time for granted and that I truly appreciated every moment. So, when this Friday rolls around and I'm getting ready to head somewhere other than the theater (this Friday you can find me singing in a concert at my church...7:30pm, LBBC 2460 Potters Road, Virginia Beach, VA fix are $5)...I will have a moment of reflection. I'll think about the wonderful times we had, and treasure those memories.

Ch-ch-changes...

I just can't get over the difference you can see in my face from about a year ago. My friend, Paul Costen (check out his work paulcosten.com, he's fantastic) took this picture a little over a year ago for publicity photos for a show I was involved with at the Little Theater of Norfolk (Forbidden Broadway). I can't stop looking at it, and then looking at me now. I've lost only 39 pounds, officially...but I think I may have been heavier than even my starting weight for Weight Watchers back in July of this year. Anyways, I took these two pics and edited them on my phone by using an app called Diptic. It allows you to group photos together. I think the picture gives you a good idea of where I've come from, and where I'm heading. Thanks for listening/reading.

p.s. In the meantime, one weekend of Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical has already passed. Don't let the next three weekends pass without making your reservation and coming to see it! Call 757-428-9233 and leave your reservation now, don't delay! We're already fully reserved for this Sunday..but there are plenty of other dates available!

Reflections...

This is going to be a bit of wandering so bear with me..but I have had some thoughts ruminating and it's time to get them down on to the proverbial 'paper'. I spend a lot time thinking about how I can improve myself. I know I might not always look like much from the outside, but I'm constantly analyzing how I could have done something differently or even better. It's not in my nature to remain content at the status quo..on some things, yes..but not others. For so long I just ignored how I was treating my body-to the point where my body was about ready to stop on me. It was only then that I had to stop and take notice of the fact that what I was doing to myself was wrong, and even sinful. You know from reading my blogs here that I've been pursuing weight loss surgery as a 'fix-all' for my weight problems. My insurance requires me to be on a diet for six months so I decided to join Weight Watchers. I'd done it before and I knew that it worked for me when I was diligent about tracking my points. I jokingly referred to myself as the 'points nazi'. Being like that had its pros..I lost almost 75 pounds in about 8 months..but the cons were that as soon as I stopped paying attention and got lazy...the pounds crept back up and they brought friends along with them. People toss around the terminology 'lifestyle change' but I'm here to say...this thing is legit. I still have some bad eating habits, but what I put in my body..and how much of it I put in there (that's what she said) have changed drastically. I've officially lost 36.2 pounds since July 2nd..and I continue to keep on. I'm still on the books at the weight loss doctor to go through with surgery-but I'm thinking I might just try this thing on my own. What I'm doing so far has worked...I want to see if I can keep it up..or down in this instant really. In the meantime everything in my life is GOING AMAZING. I have a lead role in a show, I got some good news at work, I have made amazing new friends, and I'm busier now than I've ever been (to the point that I didn't think was possible). In all this I still have my days of struggle...wrestling with feelings about inadequacy on my own part and having a truly awful self image. I'm working through it with the help of some beautiful friends who have been and continue to be my pillars in this strange time of life. You know who you are. I love you. Thank you. Mere words couldn't ever express how I feel about you. I have been regularly exercising since the end of July and I'm loving the way that my body is changing shape. Please pray for me if you think about it. I am processing a lot right now and while it's all good-it's a lot to take in. Some days I just want to roll under the covers and give up. But I won't.

Thanks for listening.

Not What I Thought I'd Be Posting, but...

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one."

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."

Both C.S. Lewis

I have had a blog floating around in my head for about a week or so, but I'm going to let that one marinate a bit longer. I had some deep revelations last week about this journey of weight loss that I'm on, and I don't want to treat it too tritely. It deserves a well thought out post and I'm feeling more sentimental than analytic tonight.

Over the years I have gathered many friends whom I hold dear. There are a few in particular that I know would drop whatever they were doing at a moment's notice to be by my side in a time of need. I love them with all of my heart and I thank God that He has blessed me with people in my life that I don't deserve. That first quote I put in from C.S. Lewis really touches me-I like a lot of weird stuff. It amazes me that the weird stuff that I like is not only appreciated by others-but also embraced! These people also tolerate me at the worst times of my life and support me in my most idiosyncratic days. I sometimes wonder how I managed to get these people around me-but I think God knew what He was doing. On the days when I'm sad about not having a significant other to share things with-God reminds me of the many wonderful friends that I have in my life and that some people don't even have that and I'm reminded to be grateful of what I do have.

Just a small example of the kind of friendship I'm talking about: Today, As I counted up the points (I'm doing Weight Watchers now ...I think I mentioned that in my last post? I can't remember) for my lunch my friend patiently waited to ask me any questions or distract me-because she knows that this process is important to me. Just a small example of the kind of person God has put in my life. That's where that second quote comes into play...friendship isn't necessary-but it sure does make living more bearable.

To all of my dear, awesome, supportive, soul sister/brother, bosom friends- I LOVE YOU. Thank you for everything that you've done for me in the past, and for what you'll probably do for me in the future. I hope I can be the kind of friend that you deserve.

The Doctor is..IN!

Since my last update I have found out all kinds of news..most important being that (drumroll please...) my insurance approved the surgeon I wanted to go with! Yay! I'm trying to remain proactive with all of this so I scheduled my first appointment with them on Wednesday afternoon. My workplace has been AMAZING to work with in getting all of my various appointments covered so I can leave pretty easily without causing too much inconvenience to my coworkers.

That thought brings me to a slight tangent- I work 'retail' but it's the most un-retail like retail job that there possibly could be. I sometimes miss working in an office with a set schedule-but this job definitely has been really great for me. I am up and moving around, work with amazing people (although I still miss my office peeps-you know who you are) and I work for one of the best companies out there. I can't say what it is on the blog because of policy-but if you know me then you probably know where I work so it doesn't really need to be said, does it? =)

One of the perks of my job are the amazing benefits that I get as a full time employee. Our insurance utilizes a company called "Bariatric Resource Services" that is dedicated to just helping me through this process (after making sure that I meet all of the qualifications first of course!). I have been assigned both a nurse case manager and a customer service coordinator that makes sure that all of my questions are answered and that I have all of the forms I need. Between them and the surgical group that I'm using it really is my own darn fault if I fall behind on things! As soon as I found out that I had to be on a 6 month diet supervised by my doctor I immediately went and scheduled an appointment with my general physician. He and I agreed on the Weight Watchers solution and I started attending meetings two weeks ago tomorrow. I had my first weigh in last Saturday (on my birthday of all days) and have already lost 2.4 lbs! I love that Weight Watchers has joined the technological world. I signed up for the monthly plan which comes with access to all of their web services and most importantly (to me, at least) that info coordinates with free apps from the app store that I have loaded on both my iPhone and my iPad. AND THEY TALK TO EACH OTHER! I can keep track of my points and my weight loss numbers all through my apps so that I never have to worry about writing down what I eat and counting the points for it-it's all through the app! I cannot tell you enough how much of a help this is! Weight Watchers worked the best for me when I did it about 5 years ago and lost about 65 lbs in a year. I was a self proclaimed points-nazi and would write down every single bite, lick or taste (blt's they call them) that happened. I was also working out regularly and I have never felt better in my life. As soon as I stopped counting those points though and got lazy with it and the weight creeped back up. I'm hoping that with this new app I will continue to be able to keep track of my points and lose weight before any possible surgery.

On a serious note, some of you have expressed concern about me going the surgery route altogether. Believe me-I hear you and I understand where you are coming from-but until my doctors say, hey-maybe this isn't the right thing for you-then I'm going to continue to go toward this. I appreciate your concern and welcome feedback-as long as it is kept in a positive light. Thanks!

So, what are my steps from now on? I have some things I need to take care of like getting an EKG, a chest x-ray, some other medical tests and set up appointments for support groups and psychological evaluations (hope they don't think I'm crazy!). The show I've been working on opens tonight and I'm trying out for another one tomorrow...and I still have my full time, 40 hour/week job and my second job helping out the music ministry at church...somewhere in there I need to fit in a regular workout schedule! I joined a 24 hour type of gym a few months ago and so far have only been a few times! I really am determined to go back and hope to slip it back into my schedule in the next week or so. You guys keep me accountable on that, k? So that is about it for now. I will continue to update this blog and let you know how things are going. All told-we're looking at the earliest possible surgery date in January. I'm sure the time will fly!

Finally! An update!

So, I kind of dropped off of the blog sphere there for a few months. I got really busy between work trainings and a show that I'm working on that I had to keep rescheduling the free seminar that I needed to attend to get the actual ball rolling on the whole surgical thing. I only have a few minutes so I'll have to keep this at bullet points. Here goes:

1) I meet the requirements of the surgery for my insurance group but there are some hoops that I will still need to jump through: a) i have to be on a six month diet supervised by my doctor and b) I have to get a psychological consult

2) I am waiting to hear from the insurance company on whether or not the surgical group that I want to go through is covered by them. If it's not, I'll have to start all over with other people but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will be okay. I should hear something by the end of this week or soon after the holiday weekend.

3) My doctor and I decided that a good diet for me to be on is Weight Watchers so I will be starting to attend that this weekend (eek).

4) I'm excited about all of this!

I'm sleeping with the sleep mask now and I have a follow up check up on that tomorrow with my neurologist (ha. i have a neurologist!) tomorrow. They're going to see that I haven't worn it all the time. Whoops.

5) For my surgery I am leaning towards getting the 'sleeve' vs 'lap band' or 'roux y en (bypass)" but I will defer to what my doctors prefer. My GP seems to be leaning towards bypass-only because it's been around longer and has proven results.

That's it for now-I have to run back to work-but I didn't want this to go too much longer without posting some kind of update!

The end result I'm seeing with all of this is that I'm looking at a possible surgery sometime in January. Wish me luck! And prayers are welcome!!!!! =)

Thank you all for your support!

Sleep Test 2: Sleep Harder! (The MASK...)

I got the results of THE SLEEP TEST (again-all caps-because wow, what an experience) last friday and friends-they were NOT good. Which, if you are following along with me in this journey, you know is actually 'good' for my ultimate goal. I stopped breathing an average of 45 times an hour. This means that every time I stop breathing my brain goes--WHOA! She's not breathing! Wake her up!! It sends a message to make that happen and one of the results of this process is that acid builds up in the blood. Over time the acidity in the blood can lead to heart damage which is why this is one of those 'morbidity' things. My blood oxygen level was about 80% and from my brief research on the topic you want to keep your level over 90% to be healthy. I knew that things with me were not good...I'm tired all of the time..slightly grumpy...etc..but I didn't know it was this bad. They got me scheduled for another sleep test and this time it was for the following night..just how you want to spend your saturday night, right? Hooked up to some sensors? The bonus for this test though was that I would be attempting to sleep with a cpap machine mask on. The machine shoots air through a hose which is attached to a mask that's placed on your face. I prefer to sleep with my mouth closed so we tried a nasal only mask as the full mask made me feel claustrophobic (further confirming my suspicions that I'll never be able to scuba dive--that mask makes me feel trapped). My sleep tech this time was a guy named Will and there was only one other patient at the lab that night so..yeah. That's just weird. I never saw her. I was all sensored up and masked by 9:30 and he turned the lights out on me about 9:45. I watched an episode of Doctor Who on my iPad because I wasn't sleepy yet-and I bet I looked really funny. With the mask on I can't wear my glasses-but it was also difficult to move again because of the sensors and the mask impeding my mobility. So I kind of held the iPad to my left side and watched with just my left eye--the mask made it so that I'd have to hold the iPad out further to see with both eyes...and I'm so blind that I can't really hold it that far away and still see it clearly! lol. So, I was getting sleepy after the episode but when I went to turn it off I had another small burst of energy....I read for a few minutes but then I just got so sleepy! The air constantly pushing through the mask really forced me to breathe clearly and deeply and I found myself drifting off into never-never land. I woke up some time later--maybe around 2:30? And I was like..BAM. READY TO GO! I had slept very deeply and my body isn't really used to it so after about 3 and a half hours it was fully rested. Which was a problem though because I still had a few hours left in the lab. Will, who is monitoring my brain waves this whole time (so weird), can tell that I'm awake and suggests that I try to sleep on my side for a bit. I tried, but the mask wasn't really suited for it and kept blowing a little stream of air right onto my eye socket which is annoying. I got hot..threw off the covers...and turned back on my back...and next thing I know I'm having a dream about being COLD. I wake up and realize I want those covers back on..get them back on and then drift off again. Will woke me up at about 4:50am...he said they got enough for the sleep study and that we were good. So...if I thought I was ready to go at 2:30..I was even more ready at 5am. I can't even believe what a difference it made to sleep with the mask-and now that my body knows the difference it's like..hey, um..can we get that back? Pretty please?!? Will assured me that I did really well with the mask and that my body acclimated itself to it like a champ. Yay for me. I have a follow up appointment in a few weeks (couldn't fit into my schedule this week) and hopefully I'll be getting set up with a machine of my own.

It's kind of disconcerting on some level to know that from now on I'll have to sleep with a machine on in order to get a good night's sleep and I'm sure it'll take some adjustment to really get used to wearing the mask (it wasn't exactly comfortable)..but I felt so great on Sunday..so even keeled and level headed. I haven't felt like that in a long time-and I didn't even know what I was missing. My next step in the process is attending a weight loss surgery information session with Sentara..it's free (yay) and I've got it in about two weeks. But, we're really doing this. This is happening. Pretty crazy.

THE SLEEP TEST

Writing the title of this blog in all caps was the only way to approach it. To say that I was dreading the sleep test could possibly be the understatement of the year. It was to take place on the Monday night of a very busy week. If I could have postponed it even further, believe me-I would have. I've been nothing other than honest with you about how much I like to put these kinds of things off but I'm trying to put that sort of behavior in the past and be as proactive as possible. So, I made my appointment and I was keeping it. Tuesday night was choir rehearsal, Wednesday night was a special service at church where the choir was to sing (and I had a solo), Thursday night was a dress rehearsal for Friday night's concert and the Easter Sunday service. Like I said-a busy week. To truly tell this sleep test story right I should start with describing a bit of the appointment I had at the neurology place before the sleep test. I went in there not really knowing what exactly to expect but it was pretty routine in doctor appointment standards in that they give you a questionnaire to fill out (i.e. have you ever had trouble sleeping before?...do you watch tv in bed?....do you eat in bed..? Have you ever thought about giving up on life...That one threw me for a loop! People who don't get a lot of sleep really do lead more stressful lives apparently). Then they take you back to get you weighed and measured (on the scale and blood pressure taken) and the nurse asks you some of the questions that you answered on the questionnaire (why do they do this? are they trying to trip you up? Make sure you really know the answer to "have you ever been told you snore before?"). She leaves and then a few minutes later a man knocks on the door and enters-I don't catch his name but his title is like PA or something. Basically he's not the 'doctor-doctor', we'll call him the dress rehearsal man. This man has the personality of a drugged turtle. He asked me a few questions (again the same ones I'd already answered on paper form and been asked of by the nurse) and then went into a spiel about Obstructive Sleep Apnea, or OSA and the leading factors of what causes it and the treatments thereof. If I had wanted to ask a question during this discourse (which felt more like I was listening to a pre-recorded lecture) I don't think I could have because he didn't pause even once. Not even to take a breath. Okay, he might have taken a breath. Or he might have been a robot. Either way, the drugged turtle said his spiel and was on his way out murmuring that the doctor would be in soon. Okaayyyy...the doctor comes in (Dr. Sheh. pronounced ), introduces himself and immediately I take a liking to him as he actually smiles and has a personality! Yay! He's noticed my iPad in my hands and asks about it-turns out he's a Mac fan and uses them as well. I knew I liked him! Anyways, I explain my main reason for wanting to get tested for sleep apnea was for possible weight loss surgery and he is very supportive. He explained that the insurance companies will probably want me to be in treatment already (very helpful info!) and sends me on my way to talk to the sleep test coordinator (there is such a thing! what a weird job that would be-yes, we'd like you to come sleep at so and so time on so and so night...be there or be square...). She's very nice and I'm scheduled and set up with a follow up appointment as well for 4/29/11 at 2:15 (that'd be this Friday).

That brings us to..THE NIGHT OF THE SLEEP TEST! If this was a 1950's horror movie there'd be a lady screaming in the background as the title of the movie flashed up with creepy organ music blaring as well. I went there in my jammies (they request that you wear shorts rather than long pants as they have to hook up your legs), iPad, iPhone, iPod and pillow in tow. Also wearing a shirt from work. Could I be a bigger nerd? I'm sorry though-they give us all these shirts-they're obviously going to be worn to sleep in once their shelf life at the store is over. But I digress. I pull up to the sleep lab, get buzzed in and meet my sleep tech-Tina. She shows me where the bathroom is and leads me to a room and asks me to relax (AS IF), and watch a video that is keyed up on the tv in the room. The room itself is like a moderately priced hotel room. Not too fancy, but sufficient. Oh, and unlike a hotel-the nightstand is covered in weird looking machines that have flashy lights. So, I watch the video which is all about OSA and how horrible it is for your health and how people have coped with it..blah blah blah. I half watched it while I tried to ease my way into feeling comfortable in this room. Tina comes back in and lets me know that I'll be 'wired up' around 9:30 and oh good-I have the perfect length hair for what they need to put on my head. "great" i think....So, I settle in and watch an episode of Doctor Who Series 5 on my iPad (thank you again, Ernie) and try to 'relax'. I finish the episode and wait for Tina to come in-she's a bit later than 9:30-but no matter. She comes in around 9:45 and we begin the process of 'wiring me up'. Friends, believe me when I say this-I never want to do this again. ever. A strap goes around my 'chest area', another around my waist, sensors are stuck to my legs, neck, and ALL over my head. I lose count. Then she puts this thing in my nose and on TOP of that an air hose on top of that...all of these things are to measure things like restless legs, if I clinch my teeth, if I stop breathing..etc. Most of the sensors were plugged into a little box that looked like a beefed up power strip thingie, and-for the time being-hung on my chest strap. She left me on my own for a bit. Where of course I proceeded to take a picture of myself in this ridiculous get up. Some of you have seen this picture. The sexiness in it knows no bounds so I'm keeping it from Facebook. If you ask me nicely I'll show you-but there's no way I'm ever posting it on the interwebz. She came back around 10:15 or so, had me lay down and finished hooking me up to the wall and the flashy light machines on the nightstand table and it was 'lights out' around 10:30. Most of you know that I don't go to bed this early. So we have that going against me, plus the fact that I was in a strange place, and oh..HOOKED UP TO 15,000 wires. (I may exaggerate a bit). When I had an MRI last fall the thing that I hated the most about it was not being able to move in the tube. That procedure was only a half hour long. This was to be hours of torture. I tried to calm myself down...prayed...counted sheep...thought about life..and I think I finally drifted away for a little bit but by 12:30 I was wide awake. And I had to pee. Bad. I'd been instructed that if such a thing were to come up I'd just have to call out and Tina would come unhook me so I could 'go'. I hated everything about having to do that. I don't like to be a bother and then there was the very real fear that I'd get some of the wires in the toilet by accident and then where would we be?!? Also-it freaked me out that all I had to do was call out. That means she was listening to me. Perhaps even watching me. Creepy! Anyways, I went to the bathroom without incident and we settled me back in to try and sleep some more. She suggested I try on my side this time-as I might be less restless. Sigh. It worked for a bit. But then my brain started racing again. And I didn't feel I could move. And why was the bed so plastic-y sounding/ Could they hear me if I farted? Would I have to do this whole stupid thing over again if I couldn't sleep at all? Was I the worst person ever that they'd tried to test? You know..the usual. I must have drifted off after a while..but then I was wide awake again around 3:30. I know because I checked my iPad. I laid there for another hour (it seemed-probably not that long) and finally they woke me up around 5:30. It was 'over'. Tina came to unhook me..I ran for the bathroom (my bladder is not what it used to be. Youngins! Treat your bladder nicely! It will pay you back later if you don't!). Tina assured me that I did indeed sleep a bit and that I have nothing to worry about in getting the insurance to cover the weight loss surgery-in her opinion I definitely have sleep apnea.

Around 6 I head home to shower and get ready for work. When I showered I found a piece of gauze in my hair. So weird. It was a horrible night and I hope I never have to relive it-but I probably will when they test me with a mask on. Something to look forward to. NOT!

It's one step closer to my goal though-so I guess it's worth it. I'll post soon about my sleep test results (the official ones-not just Tina the tech's opinion. Although she was very good and professional)

Testing testing 1 2 3

Last week I had an abnormal 'weekday' day off so I used it for running various errands. Tux Badkitty had a vet appointment the previous week and I'd been putting off delivering a sample of his poo. It takes a lot of motivation to work up to delivering cat poo. You have to time it right as I assume that the 'sample' needs to be fresh and timing a fresh poo with when I had time to take it over to the vet office was tricky. There's not much more of a humbling experience than driving down the road with a fresh cat poo sample.

But I digress. The main thing I was concerned with that day was getting a lipid profile done. The blood sample I had taken on 'errand day' wasn't so bad. The phlebotomist was amazing and I had barely even a mark, much less a bruise. Usually they have a hard time finding a good vein so this was a welcome change!

So, why all of this testing? Basically my doctor and I are building up evidence as to why insurance should cover my potential surgery for weight loss. They are looking for co-morbidities. Or, combined things that, if left unchecked, would cause my eventual death. Sobering thought, eh? I already have one tick mark on the list but we're looking for one additional (if not two). Morbidity number one was found back when I had an MRI done after a back injury. They found that not only do I have arthritis in my spine (ugh) but also have degenerative joint disease (here's a link to it if you want to read more about it: ). This is something that they usually see develop in someone much older than myself and it can be directly related to/tied with my obesity. So, that's morbidity number one. If my cholesterol turns out to be high-that'd be another morbidity-and those two should be enough but you all know me-when have I ever done anything halfway? =) My doctor also wanted me to get an OSA test. What is this, you may ask? It's Obstructive Sleep Apnea. Testing for this isn't as easy as a pinprick and a vial of blood, unfortunately. I also used 'errand day' to make my appointment to see the sleep doctor which I was able to schedule for a morning when I was going in late to work (score!). I want to definitely write a blog about this experience, but I'll save it for another day.

I had to hound my doctor's office to get my lipid profile results. I called the Thursday after and the person answering the phone said that the results were in and that the nurse would call me with them later. Okayyy...So, Monday rolls around and I haven't heard anything so I call again and this time get a voice mail. I leave a nice voice message asking them to please give me a call back with the results..and by Wednesday I still hadn't heard so I called again. I already have a history of avoiding things like this so I'm trying to change that, can't they see that? Michelle Jenkins was with me when I called and was able to witness my polite annoyance and then more annoyance as it became clear that they have had the results for a while and had neglected to call me (her exact words were-"Oh, No one has called you yet?" No, lady-I just decided to randomly call and get them again!?! This is the point of the story where I should add that my doctor's office recently went through a staff change and the lady that's been there for YEARS, since I was a small child...has retired and everyone that works there now is new). She said that my triglycerides are high and that the doctor noted that it's chylamydia...or something. To which I'm like..eh?!?! What now? (Michelle can attest to my reaction at this point in the conversation). I'm reasonably sure that there's no possible way I could have chlyamydia...unless someone infected me while I was unawares. I then realized she was trying to say CO-MORBIDITY! What in the sam-hill!?!?! lol So, world-I do not have chlyamydia...but I do have high cholesterol-officially. So, that's one more tick mark on the Morbidity list-for whoever is keeping track.

Coming soon...the perilous adventures of a sleep apnea test...or "how I tossed and turned all night with 15,000 wires attached to my body while trying to sleep in a strange place"

Good times!

The Proverbial Cat...

No, I'm not talking about my darling lazercat-Tux. I'm talking about what's going on with me. So, if you didn't know me in real life you might think that I'm a bit of a downer after that last post. I'm not..usually. No, I promise. It's just that I've been trying to come to terms with a decision and I've finally made the decision. I have been struggling with when I was going to tell people...or if I was even going to tell people...and I'm still not sure of the answer but I've never really held back before, why should I start now? I'm going to be very blunt on this process. I don't plan on holding back, at all so this won't be for the faint of heart. You're probably wondering what I'm getting at by this point. The thing is..I'm considering gastric bypass surgery.

I guess the thing that is holding me back is whether or not it will actually happen. I am in the process now of getting tests done with the goal of being able to go to my insurance company with evidence as to why they should pay for it. If I'm not successful in getting them to cover the bill then this whole thing will be for naught because there's no way I can pay for the operation in my own. It could cost anywhere from $18-$35k. Yikes.

As a sort of explanation as to why I've gone this route here is an ultimate timeline (since birth) of the process thus far:

1977-1995- I spent most of these years believing that I am fat and unattractive. Particularly from 3rd grade on (when I started to develop breasts). Kids can be cruel. I look back now at pictures of myself from my senior year in high school....and wow. I would love to look like that again. But perception at the time was different, I definitely could have lost some weight-sure-but it was just a drop in the pan compared to what I'm facing today. So, that leads us to the time after high school...

1995-1999- with said belief that I am fat-I act accordingly. That way I don't have to be the reason that someone didn't like me back romantically the way that I like them-it was just my weight they couldn't see through, right? I spent most of that time thinking that the weight was something that had happened to me, not something I did to myself. At the end of my college career I probably had put on about 30 more pounds in addition to the 20 or so I had been carrying at the beginning of my time at school.

1999-2000ish- a period of great transition and fear in my life. I probably put on a good 60-70 maybe even 100 pounds in this time. I had just graduated from college, no clue what I wanted to do with myself and lots of free time. Bad combination.

The new millennium- I have steadily increased in weight with the exception of 2003 or 2004 when I joined weight watchers At one time I was down 75 lbs, but I stopped going and it all came back on- and brought some friends. I am my own worst enemy.

Present Day-I've been steady around the *** pound mark. God. I can't even type that out without some disbelief, sorry I can't even write the number out for you. I'm still too ashamed. I don't feel like I 'look' like I weigh that much...I liken it to how I believe an anorexic must look at themselves in the mirror and see nothing but fat. When I look in a mirror at myself I see me-the way I expect to see me-not that big. But when catching a glance of myself by accident or faced with a picture taken of myself - I see me for how I really look. Huge. It's the weirdest thing.

My goal is to have that person that I catch a corner of an eye glimpse of match the person I see looking at me in the mirror. I know she's there..she's just waiting to come out.

So, where are we now? I'm in the process of getting tested for some things that if they all equal up to a certain point-then the insurance should cover it. It's kind of weird..I feel like I'll be saying-congrats 'self', you're falling apart! Now they'll let you do the surgery.

A week ago Thursday (the 6th) I went to see my GP..he's 100% behind me on this..I went this past Monday to get my lipids checked (for cholesterol) and had an appointment this morning for a sleep doctor. We're pretty sure I have sleep apnea-and if you've ever had the misfortune of being in the same room as me when I'm sleeping I think you'd agree!

There we have it, random cyber-land people. I'm considering gastric bypass. There. I said it. It's real now.


I'll keep you posted on the process through this blog-facebook-ers-you can get it faster if you subscribe to me in a blog reader. the link is http://www.reflecting-light.blogspot.com I personally use Google Reader to keep track of all of the blogs I read. It's great. Anyways...feel free to comment here. All encouragement is welcome. If you have concerns-those are welcome as well-but email me please-let's keep things positive!

Something about Spring...

I posted on Twitter earlier (follow me! twitter.com/shawlaw) that I was feeling strangely contemplative/sentimental and that I might feel a blog coming on...two of my friends encouraged me. So, now that I'm home from choir/praise band rehearsal and I have a load of laundry in..I might as well.


So....I first became aware of a trend in myself a few years ago. I noticed that every year around late march/early april I started to feel a bit blue. I can't put my finger on what it is that makes me feel that way..it might be hormonal..could be atmospheric pressures..but whatever it is, it never fails to come around. I start to dwell on things that make me sad..and once I start dwelling on them, I can't stop. I know....whatever is holy..whatever is good-think on these things. But I literally cannot stop. It's better now that I'm not working at my old place of employment (Boy was I unhappy there! I didn't even realize!). I love my new job, I love my friends, I love my family..but I can't help but feel like something is missing. It's at times like these that a song like Jann Arden's "Good Mother" speaks to me on a deep level. At the risk of being all 'emo' and weird I'm going to post most of the lyrics. It's basically two verses and a chorus that repeats around it. Here goes:

Good Mother (lyrics by Jann Arden)
I've got money in my pocket,
I like the color of my hair.
I've got a friend who loves me,
Got a house, I've got a car.
I've got a good mother,
and her voice is what keeps me here.

Feet on ground,
Heart in hand,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.
I've never wanted anything.
No I've, no I've, I've never wanted anything,
so bad..(so bad).

Cardboard masks of all the people I've been
Thrown out, with all the rusted, tangled
dented God Damned miseries!!
You could say I'm hard to hold,
But if you knew me you'd know,
I've got a good father,
And his strength is what makes me cry.

And..repeat chorus..

It sounds mostly like an upbeat song-but the heartbreak in her voice as she sings of her mother and father, it's well..indescribable. If I can find a link to a youtube video of it I'll post it at the end of this entry. It's worth a listen.

Jann Arden is my muse...my siren even, in the times that I'm feeling like this. I crawl into her voice and her music and into her pain and wrap it around myself like a big, wooly, heated blanket. She has some upbeat stuff-but I skip it. I want to wallow. She speaks/sings what I can't speak or sing for myself-other than singing along with her.

Needless to say (but I'll say it anway), I'm not fun to be around when I'm like this. Yesterday was a Jann Arden music kind of day. Especially "Good Mother"..essentially I have all of these things going for me-money in my pocket...friends who love me..the color of my hair (thank you Karie Morgan for that, =)...but there's a longing there..for something more. What it is..I don't know. I just know I long for it.

Another song that speaks to me in these times is sung by one of my other all time favorites-Ella Fitzgerald. And if you don't have a healthy dose of Ella in your music library then you are sadly missing out, my friend. She sang "Spring Can Really Hang You Up the Most". A sample of the lyrics:

Spring Can Really Hang You Up the Most (Lyrics by: Fran Landesman)

...Morning's kiss wakes trees and flowers,
and to them I'd like to drink a toast.
But I walk in the park
just to kill the lonely hours.
Spring can really hang you up the most.


I guess when it comes down to it-I'm tired of being alone. Most of the time I'm okay with it..but when Spring comes around..it just really gets me down.

Hopefully it'll pass by summer.


Youtube of "Good Mother"