Reflections...

This is going to be a bit of wandering so bear with me..but I have had some thoughts ruminating and it's time to get them down on to the proverbial 'paper'. I spend a lot time thinking about how I can improve myself. I know I might not always look like much from the outside, but I'm constantly analyzing how I could have done something differently or even better. It's not in my nature to remain content at the status quo..on some things, yes..but not others. For so long I just ignored how I was treating my body-to the point where my body was about ready to stop on me. It was only then that I had to stop and take notice of the fact that what I was doing to myself was wrong, and even sinful. You know from reading my blogs here that I've been pursuing weight loss surgery as a 'fix-all' for my weight problems. My insurance requires me to be on a diet for six months so I decided to join Weight Watchers. I'd done it before and I knew that it worked for me when I was diligent about tracking my points. I jokingly referred to myself as the 'points nazi'. Being like that had its pros..I lost almost 75 pounds in about 8 months..but the cons were that as soon as I stopped paying attention and got lazy...the pounds crept back up and they brought friends along with them. People toss around the terminology 'lifestyle change' but I'm here to say...this thing is legit. I still have some bad eating habits, but what I put in my body..and how much of it I put in there (that's what she said) have changed drastically. I've officially lost 36.2 pounds since July 2nd..and I continue to keep on. I'm still on the books at the weight loss doctor to go through with surgery-but I'm thinking I might just try this thing on my own. What I'm doing so far has worked...I want to see if I can keep it up..or down in this instant really. In the meantime everything in my life is GOING AMAZING. I have a lead role in a show, I got some good news at work, I have made amazing new friends, and I'm busier now than I've ever been (to the point that I didn't think was possible). In all this I still have my days of struggle...wrestling with feelings about inadequacy on my own part and having a truly awful self image. I'm working through it with the help of some beautiful friends who have been and continue to be my pillars in this strange time of life. You know who you are. I love you. Thank you. Mere words couldn't ever express how I feel about you. I have been regularly exercising since the end of July and I'm loving the way that my body is changing shape. Please pray for me if you think about it. I am processing a lot right now and while it's all good-it's a lot to take in. Some days I just want to roll under the covers and give up. But I won't.

Thanks for listening.