So, the black hole is winning again...

I thought I was down before, but now I actually feel physically depressed. As in, something is pressing down on me, preventing me from feeling happy or joyous about anything. It's like a physical force that is controlling me mentally as well as spiritually and physcially. In order to figure out why I was feeling this way I decided to look up depression on dictionary.com and this is what was written:

de⋅pres⋅sion  [di-presh-uhn] Show IPA
–noun
1. the act of depressing.
2. the state of being depressed.
3. a depressed or sunken place or part; an area lower than the surrounding surface.
4. sadness; gloom; dejection.
5. Psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. Compare clinical depression.
6. dullness or inactivity, as of trade.
7. Economics. a period during which business, employment, and stock-market values decline severely or remain at a very low level of activity.

I would say that definitions 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, or 7 could be definitions of my life at this very moment. For some reason I'm just really going over in my mind all of the failed job opportunities that have come about in the last five months. Five months of rejection can really get to you. The one that's really smarting right now is the SEO (search engine optimization) company. I keep going over the interviews in my mind, wondering where I went wrong or what I could have said to make them go with me instead of "another candidate" as they so coldly wrote in their email of rejection to me.

I see no point in getting out of bed in the morning.

I try to fill my day with things that are useful, or 'fun', but most days-I'd rather just be asleep.

I have no health insurance, so I can't even seek help with how I'm feeling by talking to a professional.

I'm disappointing friends who count on me.

I take no joy or pride in having earned a Master's degree.

I only have enough money in the bank to pay my bills through 'maybe' July.

I feel down. and so low. I thought I would get better with a friend visiting me this past weekend, but now that she's left I feel even worse.

Please take this blog for what it's worth-I'll probably feel better tomorrow. But, for the 21 of you who have sometime visited here--just pray for me, please.

wishin', and hopin', and dreamin'..and prayin'

So, I just filled out yet another application. This one is for something I'm not even remotely qualified for (except that I have a master's degree) so--TAKE THAT all you people who call me OVER QUALIFIED!!! =)

Seriously though--this would mean a major life change so it's scary to me. And exciting. I'll post more about it when I can!

So, I saw "Wicked" again today...

lol..yeah. I did. No judging! You're just jealous! Or maybe you're not--but I don't care. I got to see "Wicked" again!

They're doing a lottery thing, just like they do in NYC. Basically you show up 2.5 hours before the showtime, turn in your name and how many tickets you want, wait til 2 hours before showtime and then they draw names. There are only 10 sets of tickets (20 tickets total) so that's a limit of 2 per person, paid only with cash ($25) and a valid photo id. There was a show at 1pm today so I figured my chances were good to get in..and boy was I right. I was the only one there til about 10:45 (I got there at 10:15, I think we've established my dorkiness), when only one other person showed up. Anyways, while I was waiting a woman and a young man approached me, asking if I was waiting for the lottery. I said I was and she was like..GREAT! Would you mind going on tv? I was like..ummm...what? Apparently our local news (Channel 13) was doing a story on the lottery and they were afraid no one was going to show up at all since it was a strange time for a show! So they interviewed me, asking questions about the show and what I liked about it..etc. I really have no idea what I said. It was kind of surreal at this point. Plus, I was afraid that people were going to show up and ruin my chances of getting in! They were all excited when they saw someone else coming over too. I got to talking to the other woman who showed up and turns out we both go to the same church--and I was like..oh, you might have seen me singing there sometime. She looked at me and was like..OH MY GOSH. You are like a CELEBRITY to me! I thought that was hilarious--if you know me at all, I am NOT a celebrity. lol...she was like..you..and that other guy that sings--are you guys like..dating, or married? She gave a physical description and I just laughed...she was talking about my Dad. I explained that no-that was just my dad. So funny. Anyways...it was really cool to meet her-she hadn't seen the show before and was really excited about it. I had seen it before, and was really excited about it =) It finally turned 11am, we got our seats (Front row, almost center) and I went home..got Mom, and we headed back to Norfolk to see the show-again!

Now I've been going over my songs/lines for tonight-I have a show tonight! I hope I don't go out there just singing songs from Wicked! =)

Oh, and another thing--if i had a job-I wouldn't be able to do these kinds of things. Having a job can suck it! =)

So, I saw "Wicked" again tonight...

Before I get into my blog..I'd like to laugh at my blog titles recently. They are all basically starting out with "So...such and such, blah blah", it makes me feel like I'm naming an episodes of "Friends". Did you ever notice that most of the episodes were titled something like "The One where Ross and Rachel Get Hitched" or whatever..."The One With..." was their thing, apparently "So" is mine!

Anyways, I got to see "Wicked" again tonight. I love it so much. I mean...LOVE it. I remember when I first bought the soundtrack on CD (who buys CDs anymore?)..I liked it..alot. But then, I fell in love with it. I think it was the track "As Long As You're Mine" in combination with "Defying Gravity" that did it for me. Something about it just really speaks to me. I always wanted to see it on Broadway (especially when Kristin Chenoweth and Idina Menzel were in it-LOVE them) and finally did get the chance thanks to my amazing cousin. He and Dakota, Jenn and I took a trip to NYC in December of 2007 to bring in the New Year. So, that was when I got OBSESSED with the show! I knew I wanted to see it again, but knew I couldn't afford it on my own, so I just tried to be okay with the fact that I had seen it at all (a lot of people don't get to) and move on with my life. Then I went to England last year...and guess what's playing in London? At the Victoria Garden theatre? Yep. Wicked. On our last full day in London Mirachelle and I spent the last of our money going to see a matinee. She twisted her ankle in the street on the way there-but that wasn't going to stop us from seeing our obsession! (She was as into it as I was, thankfully) Bless her heart, she really was a trooper that day! I still loved the show-but it was way better on Broadway (sorry, London). Then the tour came around here, FINALLY and I was able to see it again. So, that's three years in a row of seeing Wicked and I think it makes up for the fact that I never got to see it with Kristin and Idin--and I could do with seeing it a lot more times, and I think it makes up for the fact thaa. Til I'm tired of it-although not sure that can happen! They're holding a lottery for $25 tickets like they do in NYC and I'm so going down there for a chance to see the matinee tomorrow! Mom and I don't have much anything else to do!

Oh! And I'm famous...sorta...

not really--but! The newest musical I'm in has a TRAILER! ha! We're so cool. So, check it out! I'm the one singing at mark 1:29 (for about 15 seconds, so pay attention!)

The Interview That Was Over Before it Even Started...

So, last Thursday I was out shopping for grad party supplies with Mom when my friend texted me asking if I was still looking for a job. Anyone who reads this blog realizes that the answer to this question is a resounding YES! So, she explains that her boss has a friend who is looking for a front desk receptionist for the dental practice where she is the office manager and would I be interested? At this point in my life I can't afford to not be interested, so I said yes and she emailed me the contact information. I called the woman later that afternoon and set up an interview for Monday afternoon. Fast forward past graduation party (fun!), commissioning (long! and boring! but nice!), "Working" opening night (we rock!), and Commencement (HOTTT! and LONG!)...in other words, a really busy weekend capped off with seeing "Star Trek" last night with the 'rents (great flick!) which also reminded me why I like to wait til the theatre is less crowded. The general public is gross, but I digress. I am doing some AP proctoring this week for Kempsville High School (Thank you, Missy!) so wakeup time was 6am today (eek, haven't seen pre-8am on a regular basis in a LONG time) so after that I grabbed a quick lunch with Jenn (yay) and then realized my shirt had a spot on it. Not acceptable for an interview! Ran home, changed the shirt and headed to the dentist. I should mention-I have a fear of dentists. I mean, I LOVE my current dentist--she's great! But my childhood dentist kind of ruined things for me-he was not gentle, ever-and generally smelled of garlic and tried to talk to you about whatever NPR program was on at the time..expecting answers when you have 14 balls of cotton in your mouth. But again, I digress. I was about 10 minutes early for the interview so while I waited I had time to sit and reflect, so I took out my moleskine and started to write about how I was feeling:

"So, today I am interviewing at a dentist's office. I know that it probably won't be a horrible job-but everything in my being is screaming nooo! I don't even know anymore what it is that I want to do. I mean, I'll be pursuing the career switcher program to get licensed to teach music K-12, but I'm not even sure that's even what i "want". Part of me wonders about what I would have done if I'd never been eliminated from my job at Regent. Would I have just stayed until it was no longer healthy? I wasn't always completely happy there but I was content. Maybe that's the problem. I got used to being content. Content is dangerous because it's so comfortable that you never want to leave. I got used to being there. Took it for granted that I'd be able to leave when I was ready. I was not ready when they told me that they could no longer afford to keep me on staff. Shocked. Hurt. Anger came later. And stayed. Fresh from earning my master's degree-I have no idea what I want to do and feel that I'm not really qualified to do much of anything. Well, except for singing. That I know I can do! But who's going to pay me on a regular basis to do that? I'm not good enough (or disciplined enough more like) to be an opera singer-and I don't love singing that way. I love music theatre-but if I'm serious about doing that then I need to get serious about losing this weight. The weight is out of control. I can't fit into my old skirts even. I'm lost. And alone. In a crowd. Waiting for an interview that that I don't want-but need. Simultaneously hoping/fearing that I'll get the position. Sounds like it's time"

At that point a woman comes out and introduces herself, says that normally she'd have me 2nd, but the original contact was busy with a meeting so they were flipping things around. We chatted for a bit as she told me about the job-I did my best to appear engaging and interested in how they run things there (not hard, because I did genuinely find it interesting-the office had a great vibe), told her a little about myself and then she went to see if the other lady was ready for me. As she was I then headed to her office-this is where things get interesting (finally, right? =) We shake hands and both take our seats and she finishes up typing something on her computer. She is glancing at me from the corner of her eye, but I pretend to not notice. She turns to me and says something like (I don't recall verbatim sorry)"now-I don't want you to take this the wrong way (and I'm thinking..good Lord, what did I do wrong already?)...but I looked at your resume after you sent it on Thursday and basically-you're over-qualified to work here. I was going to call you and let you know, but I figured you must have needed a job pretty bad to come in for this interview and I thought maybe by meeting you in person I could get a feel for what you're about. So I didn't call, and really any interview experience is good, no?

At this point I just kind of stare at her. I want to jump up and say YES! YES! You're RIGHT! Thank you, good-BYE!

But, I still need the job...I kind of hem and haw for a bit, and then I just decide to be as frank with her as she was being with me. I said, yes-I realized that this wouldn't be a dream job for me, but in today's economy I really can't afford to not follow up on any opportunities presented to me. She nods in understanding and we discuss my master's degree for a bit and what I did with it and what I'd like to do with it..and she says, before I worked here I was in the media business and I still have several contacts out there..how about I forward them your resume with an email explaining the situation. So, that's what she proceeds to do! I thank her, of course and kind of marvel at what just happened while she's composing it. Who knew that when I walked into the dentist's office for a job this afternoon that I'd walk out of there with four good leads which I WILL follow up with....but no actual job...Life is funny, no?

Okay, so perhaps I was a bit of a drama queen the other night..

But, I stand by my freak-out. For good or for bad-it happened, and I"m not going to apologize for it--well, maybe a little. I do think that I hide what I'm feeling a little too often and appear happy go lucky to people, when honestly-I'm not. I think that's why I like blogging-because I can be a little bit more real here. No one is looking at me. Anyways, I ended up just needing a new key for my Vue--it cost $7.42. Labor was around $24 so my whole cost for my car repair was $34.16. SOOO much better than what I was dreading. So, anyways. I'm here today to let you know--things can be bad...and it's okay to rant about them. That's why God invented blogs =)

So, um...2009? Yeah, you can SUCK IT

That's how I'm feeling tonight. I have been having trouble with the ignition on my Saturn Vue (2003) for awhile now. Usually I can 'jiggle it a little' and it eventually turns--but tonight, it just wasn't having it. An hour and a half later I'm waiting for a tow truck (with my knight in shining armour-dad) in the theater's parking lot, wishing that I could wake up from the nightmare that is currently my life. I know, same old story, blah blah blah--I'm sure ya'll are just as sick of hearing about it as I am talking about it. In fact, I was chatting with a friend on the phone earlier this evening and I realized that I would much rather just talk to her about her problems and sympathize with her issues than get into mine. She asked, like the good friend she is, and I said I'd rather just not talk about it since i'd probably cry if I did happen to talk about it and like the good friend she is-she let it slide. Speaking of that good friend-I kind of messed up this weekend with plans with her-and the gracious, fabulous miss thang that she is forgave me. Friends are awesome--if you don't have any-I highly recommend you work on that. Anyways..add this car trouble to the lastest in the litany of problem assailing me. It's not even worth it to keep count at this point.

p.s. i'm watching "The Negotiator" on Bravo right now b/c that's what was on when I turned the tv on. I had no idea that Paul Giamatti was in this. I mean, I watched it when it first came out, back in the day (kevin spacey, samuel l. jackson--good stuff)..but it's fun to watch movies later and be like..hey! I didn't know that guy was in that! weird!