THE SLEEP TEST

Writing the title of this blog in all caps was the only way to approach it. To say that I was dreading the sleep test could possibly be the understatement of the year. It was to take place on the Monday night of a very busy week. If I could have postponed it even further, believe me-I would have. I've been nothing other than honest with you about how much I like to put these kinds of things off but I'm trying to put that sort of behavior in the past and be as proactive as possible. So, I made my appointment and I was keeping it. Tuesday night was choir rehearsal, Wednesday night was a special service at church where the choir was to sing (and I had a solo), Thursday night was a dress rehearsal for Friday night's concert and the Easter Sunday service. Like I said-a busy week. To truly tell this sleep test story right I should start with describing a bit of the appointment I had at the neurology place before the sleep test. I went in there not really knowing what exactly to expect but it was pretty routine in doctor appointment standards in that they give you a questionnaire to fill out (i.e. have you ever had trouble sleeping before?...do you watch tv in bed?....do you eat in bed..? Have you ever thought about giving up on life...That one threw me for a loop! People who don't get a lot of sleep really do lead more stressful lives apparently). Then they take you back to get you weighed and measured (on the scale and blood pressure taken) and the nurse asks you some of the questions that you answered on the questionnaire (why do they do this? are they trying to trip you up? Make sure you really know the answer to "have you ever been told you snore before?"). She leaves and then a few minutes later a man knocks on the door and enters-I don't catch his name but his title is like PA or something. Basically he's not the 'doctor-doctor', we'll call him the dress rehearsal man. This man has the personality of a drugged turtle. He asked me a few questions (again the same ones I'd already answered on paper form and been asked of by the nurse) and then went into a spiel about Obstructive Sleep Apnea, or OSA and the leading factors of what causes it and the treatments thereof. If I had wanted to ask a question during this discourse (which felt more like I was listening to a pre-recorded lecture) I don't think I could have because he didn't pause even once. Not even to take a breath. Okay, he might have taken a breath. Or he might have been a robot. Either way, the drugged turtle said his spiel and was on his way out murmuring that the doctor would be in soon. Okaayyyy...the doctor comes in (Dr. Sheh. pronounced ), introduces himself and immediately I take a liking to him as he actually smiles and has a personality! Yay! He's noticed my iPad in my hands and asks about it-turns out he's a Mac fan and uses them as well. I knew I liked him! Anyways, I explain my main reason for wanting to get tested for sleep apnea was for possible weight loss surgery and he is very supportive. He explained that the insurance companies will probably want me to be in treatment already (very helpful info!) and sends me on my way to talk to the sleep test coordinator (there is such a thing! what a weird job that would be-yes, we'd like you to come sleep at so and so time on so and so night...be there or be square...). She's very nice and I'm scheduled and set up with a follow up appointment as well for 4/29/11 at 2:15 (that'd be this Friday).

That brings us to..THE NIGHT OF THE SLEEP TEST! If this was a 1950's horror movie there'd be a lady screaming in the background as the title of the movie flashed up with creepy organ music blaring as well. I went there in my jammies (they request that you wear shorts rather than long pants as they have to hook up your legs), iPad, iPhone, iPod and pillow in tow. Also wearing a shirt from work. Could I be a bigger nerd? I'm sorry though-they give us all these shirts-they're obviously going to be worn to sleep in once their shelf life at the store is over. But I digress. I pull up to the sleep lab, get buzzed in and meet my sleep tech-Tina. She shows me where the bathroom is and leads me to a room and asks me to relax (AS IF), and watch a video that is keyed up on the tv in the room. The room itself is like a moderately priced hotel room. Not too fancy, but sufficient. Oh, and unlike a hotel-the nightstand is covered in weird looking machines that have flashy lights. So, I watch the video which is all about OSA and how horrible it is for your health and how people have coped with it..blah blah blah. I half watched it while I tried to ease my way into feeling comfortable in this room. Tina comes back in and lets me know that I'll be 'wired up' around 9:30 and oh good-I have the perfect length hair for what they need to put on my head. "great" i think....So, I settle in and watch an episode of Doctor Who Series 5 on my iPad (thank you again, Ernie) and try to 'relax'. I finish the episode and wait for Tina to come in-she's a bit later than 9:30-but no matter. She comes in around 9:45 and we begin the process of 'wiring me up'. Friends, believe me when I say this-I never want to do this again. ever. A strap goes around my 'chest area', another around my waist, sensors are stuck to my legs, neck, and ALL over my head. I lose count. Then she puts this thing in my nose and on TOP of that an air hose on top of that...all of these things are to measure things like restless legs, if I clinch my teeth, if I stop breathing..etc. Most of the sensors were plugged into a little box that looked like a beefed up power strip thingie, and-for the time being-hung on my chest strap. She left me on my own for a bit. Where of course I proceeded to take a picture of myself in this ridiculous get up. Some of you have seen this picture. The sexiness in it knows no bounds so I'm keeping it from Facebook. If you ask me nicely I'll show you-but there's no way I'm ever posting it on the interwebz. She came back around 10:15 or so, had me lay down and finished hooking me up to the wall and the flashy light machines on the nightstand table and it was 'lights out' around 10:30. Most of you know that I don't go to bed this early. So we have that going against me, plus the fact that I was in a strange place, and oh..HOOKED UP TO 15,000 wires. (I may exaggerate a bit). When I had an MRI last fall the thing that I hated the most about it was not being able to move in the tube. That procedure was only a half hour long. This was to be hours of torture. I tried to calm myself down...prayed...counted sheep...thought about life..and I think I finally drifted away for a little bit but by 12:30 I was wide awake. And I had to pee. Bad. I'd been instructed that if such a thing were to come up I'd just have to call out and Tina would come unhook me so I could 'go'. I hated everything about having to do that. I don't like to be a bother and then there was the very real fear that I'd get some of the wires in the toilet by accident and then where would we be?!? Also-it freaked me out that all I had to do was call out. That means she was listening to me. Perhaps even watching me. Creepy! Anyways, I went to the bathroom without incident and we settled me back in to try and sleep some more. She suggested I try on my side this time-as I might be less restless. Sigh. It worked for a bit. But then my brain started racing again. And I didn't feel I could move. And why was the bed so plastic-y sounding/ Could they hear me if I farted? Would I have to do this whole stupid thing over again if I couldn't sleep at all? Was I the worst person ever that they'd tried to test? You know..the usual. I must have drifted off after a while..but then I was wide awake again around 3:30. I know because I checked my iPad. I laid there for another hour (it seemed-probably not that long) and finally they woke me up around 5:30. It was 'over'. Tina came to unhook me..I ran for the bathroom (my bladder is not what it used to be. Youngins! Treat your bladder nicely! It will pay you back later if you don't!). Tina assured me that I did indeed sleep a bit and that I have nothing to worry about in getting the insurance to cover the weight loss surgery-in her opinion I definitely have sleep apnea.

Around 6 I head home to shower and get ready for work. When I showered I found a piece of gauze in my hair. So weird. It was a horrible night and I hope I never have to relive it-but I probably will when they test me with a mask on. Something to look forward to. NOT!

It's one step closer to my goal though-so I guess it's worth it. I'll post soon about my sleep test results (the official ones-not just Tina the tech's opinion. Although she was very good and professional)

Testing testing 1 2 3

Last week I had an abnormal 'weekday' day off so I used it for running various errands. Tux Badkitty had a vet appointment the previous week and I'd been putting off delivering a sample of his poo. It takes a lot of motivation to work up to delivering cat poo. You have to time it right as I assume that the 'sample' needs to be fresh and timing a fresh poo with when I had time to take it over to the vet office was tricky. There's not much more of a humbling experience than driving down the road with a fresh cat poo sample.

But I digress. The main thing I was concerned with that day was getting a lipid profile done. The blood sample I had taken on 'errand day' wasn't so bad. The phlebotomist was amazing and I had barely even a mark, much less a bruise. Usually they have a hard time finding a good vein so this was a welcome change!

So, why all of this testing? Basically my doctor and I are building up evidence as to why insurance should cover my potential surgery for weight loss. They are looking for co-morbidities. Or, combined things that, if left unchecked, would cause my eventual death. Sobering thought, eh? I already have one tick mark on the list but we're looking for one additional (if not two). Morbidity number one was found back when I had an MRI done after a back injury. They found that not only do I have arthritis in my spine (ugh) but also have degenerative joint disease (here's a link to it if you want to read more about it: ). This is something that they usually see develop in someone much older than myself and it can be directly related to/tied with my obesity. So, that's morbidity number one. If my cholesterol turns out to be high-that'd be another morbidity-and those two should be enough but you all know me-when have I ever done anything halfway? =) My doctor also wanted me to get an OSA test. What is this, you may ask? It's Obstructive Sleep Apnea. Testing for this isn't as easy as a pinprick and a vial of blood, unfortunately. I also used 'errand day' to make my appointment to see the sleep doctor which I was able to schedule for a morning when I was going in late to work (score!). I want to definitely write a blog about this experience, but I'll save it for another day.

I had to hound my doctor's office to get my lipid profile results. I called the Thursday after and the person answering the phone said that the results were in and that the nurse would call me with them later. Okayyy...So, Monday rolls around and I haven't heard anything so I call again and this time get a voice mail. I leave a nice voice message asking them to please give me a call back with the results..and by Wednesday I still hadn't heard so I called again. I already have a history of avoiding things like this so I'm trying to change that, can't they see that? Michelle Jenkins was with me when I called and was able to witness my polite annoyance and then more annoyance as it became clear that they have had the results for a while and had neglected to call me (her exact words were-"Oh, No one has called you yet?" No, lady-I just decided to randomly call and get them again!?! This is the point of the story where I should add that my doctor's office recently went through a staff change and the lady that's been there for YEARS, since I was a small child...has retired and everyone that works there now is new). She said that my triglycerides are high and that the doctor noted that it's chylamydia...or something. To which I'm like..eh?!?! What now? (Michelle can attest to my reaction at this point in the conversation). I'm reasonably sure that there's no possible way I could have chlyamydia...unless someone infected me while I was unawares. I then realized she was trying to say CO-MORBIDITY! What in the sam-hill!?!?! lol So, world-I do not have chlyamydia...but I do have high cholesterol-officially. So, that's one more tick mark on the Morbidity list-for whoever is keeping track.

Coming soon...the perilous adventures of a sleep apnea test...or "how I tossed and turned all night with 15,000 wires attached to my body while trying to sleep in a strange place"

Good times!

The Proverbial Cat...

No, I'm not talking about my darling lazercat-Tux. I'm talking about what's going on with me. So, if you didn't know me in real life you might think that I'm a bit of a downer after that last post. I'm not..usually. No, I promise. It's just that I've been trying to come to terms with a decision and I've finally made the decision. I have been struggling with when I was going to tell people...or if I was even going to tell people...and I'm still not sure of the answer but I've never really held back before, why should I start now? I'm going to be very blunt on this process. I don't plan on holding back, at all so this won't be for the faint of heart. You're probably wondering what I'm getting at by this point. The thing is..I'm considering gastric bypass surgery.

I guess the thing that is holding me back is whether or not it will actually happen. I am in the process now of getting tests done with the goal of being able to go to my insurance company with evidence as to why they should pay for it. If I'm not successful in getting them to cover the bill then this whole thing will be for naught because there's no way I can pay for the operation in my own. It could cost anywhere from $18-$35k. Yikes.

As a sort of explanation as to why I've gone this route here is an ultimate timeline (since birth) of the process thus far:

1977-1995- I spent most of these years believing that I am fat and unattractive. Particularly from 3rd grade on (when I started to develop breasts). Kids can be cruel. I look back now at pictures of myself from my senior year in high school....and wow. I would love to look like that again. But perception at the time was different, I definitely could have lost some weight-sure-but it was just a drop in the pan compared to what I'm facing today. So, that leads us to the time after high school...

1995-1999- with said belief that I am fat-I act accordingly. That way I don't have to be the reason that someone didn't like me back romantically the way that I like them-it was just my weight they couldn't see through, right? I spent most of that time thinking that the weight was something that had happened to me, not something I did to myself. At the end of my college career I probably had put on about 30 more pounds in addition to the 20 or so I had been carrying at the beginning of my time at school.

1999-2000ish- a period of great transition and fear in my life. I probably put on a good 60-70 maybe even 100 pounds in this time. I had just graduated from college, no clue what I wanted to do with myself and lots of free time. Bad combination.

The new millennium- I have steadily increased in weight with the exception of 2003 or 2004 when I joined weight watchers At one time I was down 75 lbs, but I stopped going and it all came back on- and brought some friends. I am my own worst enemy.

Present Day-I've been steady around the *** pound mark. God. I can't even type that out without some disbelief, sorry I can't even write the number out for you. I'm still too ashamed. I don't feel like I 'look' like I weigh that much...I liken it to how I believe an anorexic must look at themselves in the mirror and see nothing but fat. When I look in a mirror at myself I see me-the way I expect to see me-not that big. But when catching a glance of myself by accident or faced with a picture taken of myself - I see me for how I really look. Huge. It's the weirdest thing.

My goal is to have that person that I catch a corner of an eye glimpse of match the person I see looking at me in the mirror. I know she's there..she's just waiting to come out.

So, where are we now? I'm in the process of getting tested for some things that if they all equal up to a certain point-then the insurance should cover it. It's kind of weird..I feel like I'll be saying-congrats 'self', you're falling apart! Now they'll let you do the surgery.

A week ago Thursday (the 6th) I went to see my GP..he's 100% behind me on this..I went this past Monday to get my lipids checked (for cholesterol) and had an appointment this morning for a sleep doctor. We're pretty sure I have sleep apnea-and if you've ever had the misfortune of being in the same room as me when I'm sleeping I think you'd agree!

There we have it, random cyber-land people. I'm considering gastric bypass. There. I said it. It's real now.


I'll keep you posted on the process through this blog-facebook-ers-you can get it faster if you subscribe to me in a blog reader. the link is http://www.reflecting-light.blogspot.com I personally use Google Reader to keep track of all of the blogs I read. It's great. Anyways...feel free to comment here. All encouragement is welcome. If you have concerns-those are welcome as well-but email me please-let's keep things positive!

Something about Spring...

I posted on Twitter earlier (follow me! twitter.com/shawlaw) that I was feeling strangely contemplative/sentimental and that I might feel a blog coming on...two of my friends encouraged me. So, now that I'm home from choir/praise band rehearsal and I have a load of laundry in..I might as well.


So....I first became aware of a trend in myself a few years ago. I noticed that every year around late march/early april I started to feel a bit blue. I can't put my finger on what it is that makes me feel that way..it might be hormonal..could be atmospheric pressures..but whatever it is, it never fails to come around. I start to dwell on things that make me sad..and once I start dwelling on them, I can't stop. I know....whatever is holy..whatever is good-think on these things. But I literally cannot stop. It's better now that I'm not working at my old place of employment (Boy was I unhappy there! I didn't even realize!). I love my new job, I love my friends, I love my family..but I can't help but feel like something is missing. It's at times like these that a song like Jann Arden's "Good Mother" speaks to me on a deep level. At the risk of being all 'emo' and weird I'm going to post most of the lyrics. It's basically two verses and a chorus that repeats around it. Here goes:

Good Mother (lyrics by Jann Arden)
I've got money in my pocket,
I like the color of my hair.
I've got a friend who loves me,
Got a house, I've got a car.
I've got a good mother,
and her voice is what keeps me here.

Feet on ground,
Heart in hand,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.
I've never wanted anything.
No I've, no I've, I've never wanted anything,
so bad..(so bad).

Cardboard masks of all the people I've been
Thrown out, with all the rusted, tangled
dented God Damned miseries!!
You could say I'm hard to hold,
But if you knew me you'd know,
I've got a good father,
And his strength is what makes me cry.

And..repeat chorus..

It sounds mostly like an upbeat song-but the heartbreak in her voice as she sings of her mother and father, it's well..indescribable. If I can find a link to a youtube video of it I'll post it at the end of this entry. It's worth a listen.

Jann Arden is my muse...my siren even, in the times that I'm feeling like this. I crawl into her voice and her music and into her pain and wrap it around myself like a big, wooly, heated blanket. She has some upbeat stuff-but I skip it. I want to wallow. She speaks/sings what I can't speak or sing for myself-other than singing along with her.

Needless to say (but I'll say it anway), I'm not fun to be around when I'm like this. Yesterday was a Jann Arden music kind of day. Especially "Good Mother"..essentially I have all of these things going for me-money in my pocket...friends who love me..the color of my hair (thank you Karie Morgan for that, =)...but there's a longing there..for something more. What it is..I don't know. I just know I long for it.

Another song that speaks to me in these times is sung by one of my other all time favorites-Ella Fitzgerald. And if you don't have a healthy dose of Ella in your music library then you are sadly missing out, my friend. She sang "Spring Can Really Hang You Up the Most". A sample of the lyrics:

Spring Can Really Hang You Up the Most (Lyrics by: Fran Landesman)

...Morning's kiss wakes trees and flowers,
and to them I'd like to drink a toast.
But I walk in the park
just to kill the lonely hours.
Spring can really hang you up the most.


I guess when it comes down to it-I'm tired of being alone. Most of the time I'm okay with it..but when Spring comes around..it just really gets me down.

Hopefully it'll pass by summer.


Youtube of "Good Mother"

Thumbelina...biggie sized....

So, I'm probably like a lot of you-I stayed up too late last night ringing in the New Year and I'm really tired. In fact I'm surprised I'm still awake right now. I'll be heading to bed soon but first I had to get something off of my chest about something that happened to me today.

I ate my lunch in the food court of the mall where I work. I often bring my lunch to work and find it easier to relax for a few minutes if I leave the store where I work and get away for a bit. Sometimes I just buy lunch at the food court although, after five months or so the food court food has lost its sheen. Today I was joined partway through my lunch by a good friend and her hubby-both whom work at my store-and we had a great time just sitting and laughing. As we got up to leave one of the mall 'attendants'(!!?!? 'food court workers' 'people who go around and clean up the tables and sweep, etc?!?!?), tried to gain my attention as we were leaving. I thought maybe I'd left something behind at my table or whatnot so I turned to see what she wanted. She then proceeded to hand me an advertisement-mumbled something about her daughter having a showcase and that I might be interested in it--now, I pause to say that at this moment my friend thought that the lady was trying to hand me an advertisement to some kind of dance showcase and laughed-but I had looked a bit closer at what she was trying to hand me. As she turned it over it clearly was some sort of 'weight loss' management system that apparently her daughter was a rep for and that she thought, and I quote "thought I really could use". A little part of me died inside. I mean, believe me-I'm not blind-I know that I'm overweight. I see the stares. I hear the laughter that people think they hide. I see the looks I get when I go shopping with my 'normal sized' friends in department stores. But never have I been so flat out called out about it. I said no thank you-and the lady looks me in the eyes and says--"are you sure?". I assured her that I was, refused to take the leaflet and walked away-cheeks burning in shame. My friend, God bless her-was like..wait-what was that? And I explained. I could tell she was embarrassed for me. I handled it like I often do-made a joke about it and stuffed away yet another hurt down into that abyss. As we walked back to our store I made sure that I appeared fine, in spite of the blow just dealt to my ego.

If you've read my blog at all before you know how I feel about this kind of thing (see this previous entry if you had any doubt: http://reflecting-light.blogspot.com/2009/06/dear-editors-of-tv-guide-online.html). I believe that overweight people are some of the last few politically acceptable people groups it is okay to target with jokes and insults. I'm used to it. What was different about it today was to see my friend's reaction. Apparently it affected her even more than I realized-later she asked if it was okay if she sent an email to mall management about what happened. I said it was fine--and I remembered to be grateful. I'm grateful that there are people out there who can see past the extra folds and lumps and bumps-to see that there's a person in there. One who has built up a thick skin, but underneath is as fragile as thumbelina.

So, Happy New Year to all-2010 certainly started with a bang, hopefully the rest of the year will go a little bit better than it did today.

Wait, I still have a blog?!?

I got a notification that someone posted a comment on my blog today and I was like..oh yeah. I have a blog out there in blog-land. Huh. Maybe I should write something!

Since I landed that job at the place that shall remain nameless I haven't had a spare moment of time because in addition to that job I also was afforded the opportunity to do something I really love--AND, get paid for it! Woo hoo! The director I worked with in the last musical I performed in asked me to music direct a show that he was doing for Generic Theater of Norfolk. Evil Dead: The Musical. I was hesitant at first, because of the title...but, it was going to pay a decent amount and I'd most likely be working with people I adored from my last show experience--except this time as their boss! Ha! That was weird at first, but I found my groove. The Evil Dead gig went really. really well. Like..ridiculously well. It got great reviews and a lot of buzz and I'm excited that I was able to be a part of it. While my main duties for that show were winding down another opportunity presented itself with another theater. This time it was at the theater I'd done "Zombie Prom" in earlier this year. They lost their music director for "Oklahoma!" at nearly the last minute (the week before auditions) and needed someone pronto. I cleared it with my other director and suddenly found myself at said auditions. That show has done really well and we're in the last weekend right now. Last performance is tomorrow actually. Sad. Anyways--in the midst of that rehearsal process (and as Evil Dead's performances ended), yet another opportunity presented itself through a friend I met at the place that shall remain unnamed. This time it was music directing (again) "A Christmas Carol", at Virginia Stage Company at the Wells Theater. Holy crap. This is getting real! I met with the director and wham, bam, thank you ma'am...I'm hired for that show as well. So, while Oklahoma is just about in tech rehearsals and ready to open I'm working during the day (with some equity actors, mind you) over at VSC in helping them get the music portion of their show in shape.

Wow.

So, that show opened this weekend...I can't go til next weekend since I have my obligations at "Oklahoma!", and I'm super excited to see the whole thing together. I feel really blessed to have been able to do what I love and also meet some really great people along the way in both the theater world and also in that retail world. It's such a great place to work and they've been really great about working around my crazy rehearsal schedules.

I might get tired now and then, but I still find the time to be grateful for the opportunity to do the things I love.

Oh, and I also still have my church job 2 nights a week.

yep.

So, that also explains why I'm writing this after 1 in the morning. It's the only time I have to reflect! Although, I don't have any other shows lined up until spring of next year. Sad. I won't know what to do with all my free time!

Maybe I'll start blogging more regularly (although let's not hold our breath).

Laterz

I had to delete my last entry...

So I wrote in my last entry that I got a new job and that it was at a certain place. I found out over the weekend that I wasn't allowed to talk about that place in my blog...and well, since that blog entry was all about this certain place and I wasn't near my computer at the time--I just decided it would be easier to delete it rather than try and edit. So, suffice it to say-I have a new, part time job at a certain retail store that is famous for its need for confidentiality. I've really enjoyed my first week (other than trying to get used to standing on my feet for hours at a time), and I'm looking forward to working there in general.

Other than starting my new job I've just had the usual stuff going on...life, friends, family, reading...etc. I will be doing a lot this week for a musical that I'm music directing. Yikes, just typing that out makes me feel nervous. I think I'm more nervous than the people auditioning!

=)

So, anyways. that's about it. Nothing too exciting here..but I haven't posted in a while.