The Proverbial Cat...

No, I'm not talking about my darling lazercat-Tux. I'm talking about what's going on with me. So, if you didn't know me in real life you might think that I'm a bit of a downer after that last post. I'm not..usually. No, I promise. It's just that I've been trying to come to terms with a decision and I've finally made the decision. I have been struggling with when I was going to tell people...or if I was even going to tell people...and I'm still not sure of the answer but I've never really held back before, why should I start now? I'm going to be very blunt on this process. I don't plan on holding back, at all so this won't be for the faint of heart. You're probably wondering what I'm getting at by this point. The thing is..I'm considering gastric bypass surgery.

I guess the thing that is holding me back is whether or not it will actually happen. I am in the process now of getting tests done with the goal of being able to go to my insurance company with evidence as to why they should pay for it. If I'm not successful in getting them to cover the bill then this whole thing will be for naught because there's no way I can pay for the operation in my own. It could cost anywhere from $18-$35k. Yikes.

As a sort of explanation as to why I've gone this route here is an ultimate timeline (since birth) of the process thus far:

1977-1995- I spent most of these years believing that I am fat and unattractive. Particularly from 3rd grade on (when I started to develop breasts). Kids can be cruel. I look back now at pictures of myself from my senior year in high school....and wow. I would love to look like that again. But perception at the time was different, I definitely could have lost some weight-sure-but it was just a drop in the pan compared to what I'm facing today. So, that leads us to the time after high school...

1995-1999- with said belief that I am fat-I act accordingly. That way I don't have to be the reason that someone didn't like me back romantically the way that I like them-it was just my weight they couldn't see through, right? I spent most of that time thinking that the weight was something that had happened to me, not something I did to myself. At the end of my college career I probably had put on about 30 more pounds in addition to the 20 or so I had been carrying at the beginning of my time at school.

1999-2000ish- a period of great transition and fear in my life. I probably put on a good 60-70 maybe even 100 pounds in this time. I had just graduated from college, no clue what I wanted to do with myself and lots of free time. Bad combination.

The new millennium- I have steadily increased in weight with the exception of 2003 or 2004 when I joined weight watchers At one time I was down 75 lbs, but I stopped going and it all came back on- and brought some friends. I am my own worst enemy.

Present Day-I've been steady around the *** pound mark. God. I can't even type that out without some disbelief, sorry I can't even write the number out for you. I'm still too ashamed. I don't feel like I 'look' like I weigh that much...I liken it to how I believe an anorexic must look at themselves in the mirror and see nothing but fat. When I look in a mirror at myself I see me-the way I expect to see me-not that big. But when catching a glance of myself by accident or faced with a picture taken of myself - I see me for how I really look. Huge. It's the weirdest thing.

My goal is to have that person that I catch a corner of an eye glimpse of match the person I see looking at me in the mirror. I know she's there..she's just waiting to come out.

So, where are we now? I'm in the process of getting tested for some things that if they all equal up to a certain point-then the insurance should cover it. It's kind of weird..I feel like I'll be saying-congrats 'self', you're falling apart! Now they'll let you do the surgery.

A week ago Thursday (the 6th) I went to see my GP..he's 100% behind me on this..I went this past Monday to get my lipids checked (for cholesterol) and had an appointment this morning for a sleep doctor. We're pretty sure I have sleep apnea-and if you've ever had the misfortune of being in the same room as me when I'm sleeping I think you'd agree!

There we have it, random cyber-land people. I'm considering gastric bypass. There. I said it. It's real now.


I'll keep you posted on the process through this blog-facebook-ers-you can get it faster if you subscribe to me in a blog reader. the link is http://www.reflecting-light.blogspot.com I personally use Google Reader to keep track of all of the blogs I read. It's great. Anyways...feel free to comment here. All encouragement is welcome. If you have concerns-those are welcome as well-but email me please-let's keep things positive!