After the show is over....

Depression sets in...sigh.

So, Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical has finished its final performance, the set has been torn down and the next show is already working up on stage. I know it's inevitable but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. This show, these people, this experience..was different. I truly got along with pretty much everyone involved (a miracle with such dramatic people around =) and I suspect that the friendships forged from the show and the ones that were strengthened, are going to be friendships that will last a lifetime. I loved every moment of working on it. I can honestly say that I never took this role or this time for granted and that I truly appreciated every moment. So, when this Friday rolls around and I'm getting ready to head somewhere other than the theater (this Friday you can find me singing in a concert at my church...7:30pm, LBBC 2460 Potters Road, Virginia Beach, VA fix are $5)...I will have a moment of reflection. I'll think about the wonderful times we had, and treasure those memories.

Ch-ch-changes...

I just can't get over the difference you can see in my face from about a year ago. My friend, Paul Costen (check out his work paulcosten.com, he's fantastic) took this picture a little over a year ago for publicity photos for a show I was involved with at the Little Theater of Norfolk (Forbidden Broadway). I can't stop looking at it, and then looking at me now. I've lost only 39 pounds, officially...but I think I may have been heavier than even my starting weight for Weight Watchers back in July of this year. Anyways, I took these two pics and edited them on my phone by using an app called Diptic. It allows you to group photos together. I think the picture gives you a good idea of where I've come from, and where I'm heading. Thanks for listening/reading.

p.s. In the meantime, one weekend of Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical has already passed. Don't let the next three weekends pass without making your reservation and coming to see it! Call 757-428-9233 and leave your reservation now, don't delay! We're already fully reserved for this Sunday..but there are plenty of other dates available!

Reflections...

This is going to be a bit of wandering so bear with me..but I have had some thoughts ruminating and it's time to get them down on to the proverbial 'paper'. I spend a lot time thinking about how I can improve myself. I know I might not always look like much from the outside, but I'm constantly analyzing how I could have done something differently or even better. It's not in my nature to remain content at the status quo..on some things, yes..but not others. For so long I just ignored how I was treating my body-to the point where my body was about ready to stop on me. It was only then that I had to stop and take notice of the fact that what I was doing to myself was wrong, and even sinful. You know from reading my blogs here that I've been pursuing weight loss surgery as a 'fix-all' for my weight problems. My insurance requires me to be on a diet for six months so I decided to join Weight Watchers. I'd done it before and I knew that it worked for me when I was diligent about tracking my points. I jokingly referred to myself as the 'points nazi'. Being like that had its pros..I lost almost 75 pounds in about 8 months..but the cons were that as soon as I stopped paying attention and got lazy...the pounds crept back up and they brought friends along with them. People toss around the terminology 'lifestyle change' but I'm here to say...this thing is legit. I still have some bad eating habits, but what I put in my body..and how much of it I put in there (that's what she said) have changed drastically. I've officially lost 36.2 pounds since July 2nd..and I continue to keep on. I'm still on the books at the weight loss doctor to go through with surgery-but I'm thinking I might just try this thing on my own. What I'm doing so far has worked...I want to see if I can keep it up..or down in this instant really. In the meantime everything in my life is GOING AMAZING. I have a lead role in a show, I got some good news at work, I have made amazing new friends, and I'm busier now than I've ever been (to the point that I didn't think was possible). In all this I still have my days of struggle...wrestling with feelings about inadequacy on my own part and having a truly awful self image. I'm working through it with the help of some beautiful friends who have been and continue to be my pillars in this strange time of life. You know who you are. I love you. Thank you. Mere words couldn't ever express how I feel about you. I have been regularly exercising since the end of July and I'm loving the way that my body is changing shape. Please pray for me if you think about it. I am processing a lot right now and while it's all good-it's a lot to take in. Some days I just want to roll under the covers and give up. But I won't.

Thanks for listening.

Not What I Thought I'd Be Posting, but...

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one."

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."

Both C.S. Lewis

I have had a blog floating around in my head for about a week or so, but I'm going to let that one marinate a bit longer. I had some deep revelations last week about this journey of weight loss that I'm on, and I don't want to treat it too tritely. It deserves a well thought out post and I'm feeling more sentimental than analytic tonight.

Over the years I have gathered many friends whom I hold dear. There are a few in particular that I know would drop whatever they were doing at a moment's notice to be by my side in a time of need. I love them with all of my heart and I thank God that He has blessed me with people in my life that I don't deserve. That first quote I put in from C.S. Lewis really touches me-I like a lot of weird stuff. It amazes me that the weird stuff that I like is not only appreciated by others-but also embraced! These people also tolerate me at the worst times of my life and support me in my most idiosyncratic days. I sometimes wonder how I managed to get these people around me-but I think God knew what He was doing. On the days when I'm sad about not having a significant other to share things with-God reminds me of the many wonderful friends that I have in my life and that some people don't even have that and I'm reminded to be grateful of what I do have.

Just a small example of the kind of friendship I'm talking about: Today, As I counted up the points (I'm doing Weight Watchers now ...I think I mentioned that in my last post? I can't remember) for my lunch my friend patiently waited to ask me any questions or distract me-because she knows that this process is important to me. Just a small example of the kind of person God has put in my life. That's where that second quote comes into play...friendship isn't necessary-but it sure does make living more bearable.

To all of my dear, awesome, supportive, soul sister/brother, bosom friends- I LOVE YOU. Thank you for everything that you've done for me in the past, and for what you'll probably do for me in the future. I hope I can be the kind of friend that you deserve.

The Doctor is..IN!

Since my last update I have found out all kinds of news..most important being that (drumroll please...) my insurance approved the surgeon I wanted to go with! Yay! I'm trying to remain proactive with all of this so I scheduled my first appointment with them on Wednesday afternoon. My workplace has been AMAZING to work with in getting all of my various appointments covered so I can leave pretty easily without causing too much inconvenience to my coworkers.

That thought brings me to a slight tangent- I work 'retail' but it's the most un-retail like retail job that there possibly could be. I sometimes miss working in an office with a set schedule-but this job definitely has been really great for me. I am up and moving around, work with amazing people (although I still miss my office peeps-you know who you are) and I work for one of the best companies out there. I can't say what it is on the blog because of policy-but if you know me then you probably know where I work so it doesn't really need to be said, does it? =)

One of the perks of my job are the amazing benefits that I get as a full time employee. Our insurance utilizes a company called "Bariatric Resource Services" that is dedicated to just helping me through this process (after making sure that I meet all of the qualifications first of course!). I have been assigned both a nurse case manager and a customer service coordinator that makes sure that all of my questions are answered and that I have all of the forms I need. Between them and the surgical group that I'm using it really is my own darn fault if I fall behind on things! As soon as I found out that I had to be on a 6 month diet supervised by my doctor I immediately went and scheduled an appointment with my general physician. He and I agreed on the Weight Watchers solution and I started attending meetings two weeks ago tomorrow. I had my first weigh in last Saturday (on my birthday of all days) and have already lost 2.4 lbs! I love that Weight Watchers has joined the technological world. I signed up for the monthly plan which comes with access to all of their web services and most importantly (to me, at least) that info coordinates with free apps from the app store that I have loaded on both my iPhone and my iPad. AND THEY TALK TO EACH OTHER! I can keep track of my points and my weight loss numbers all through my apps so that I never have to worry about writing down what I eat and counting the points for it-it's all through the app! I cannot tell you enough how much of a help this is! Weight Watchers worked the best for me when I did it about 5 years ago and lost about 65 lbs in a year. I was a self proclaimed points-nazi and would write down every single bite, lick or taste (blt's they call them) that happened. I was also working out regularly and I have never felt better in my life. As soon as I stopped counting those points though and got lazy with it and the weight creeped back up. I'm hoping that with this new app I will continue to be able to keep track of my points and lose weight before any possible surgery.

On a serious note, some of you have expressed concern about me going the surgery route altogether. Believe me-I hear you and I understand where you are coming from-but until my doctors say, hey-maybe this isn't the right thing for you-then I'm going to continue to go toward this. I appreciate your concern and welcome feedback-as long as it is kept in a positive light. Thanks!

So, what are my steps from now on? I have some things I need to take care of like getting an EKG, a chest x-ray, some other medical tests and set up appointments for support groups and psychological evaluations (hope they don't think I'm crazy!). The show I've been working on opens tonight and I'm trying out for another one tomorrow...and I still have my full time, 40 hour/week job and my second job helping out the music ministry at church...somewhere in there I need to fit in a regular workout schedule! I joined a 24 hour type of gym a few months ago and so far have only been a few times! I really am determined to go back and hope to slip it back into my schedule in the next week or so. You guys keep me accountable on that, k? So that is about it for now. I will continue to update this blog and let you know how things are going. All told-we're looking at the earliest possible surgery date in January. I'm sure the time will fly!

Finally! An update!

So, I kind of dropped off of the blog sphere there for a few months. I got really busy between work trainings and a show that I'm working on that I had to keep rescheduling the free seminar that I needed to attend to get the actual ball rolling on the whole surgical thing. I only have a few minutes so I'll have to keep this at bullet points. Here goes:

1) I meet the requirements of the surgery for my insurance group but there are some hoops that I will still need to jump through: a) i have to be on a six month diet supervised by my doctor and b) I have to get a psychological consult

2) I am waiting to hear from the insurance company on whether or not the surgical group that I want to go through is covered by them. If it's not, I'll have to start all over with other people but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will be okay. I should hear something by the end of this week or soon after the holiday weekend.

3) My doctor and I decided that a good diet for me to be on is Weight Watchers so I will be starting to attend that this weekend (eek).

4) I'm excited about all of this!

I'm sleeping with the sleep mask now and I have a follow up check up on that tomorrow with my neurologist (ha. i have a neurologist!) tomorrow. They're going to see that I haven't worn it all the time. Whoops.

5) For my surgery I am leaning towards getting the 'sleeve' vs 'lap band' or 'roux y en (bypass)" but I will defer to what my doctors prefer. My GP seems to be leaning towards bypass-only because it's been around longer and has proven results.

That's it for now-I have to run back to work-but I didn't want this to go too much longer without posting some kind of update!

The end result I'm seeing with all of this is that I'm looking at a possible surgery sometime in January. Wish me luck! And prayers are welcome!!!!! =)

Thank you all for your support!

Sleep Test 2: Sleep Harder! (The MASK...)

I got the results of THE SLEEP TEST (again-all caps-because wow, what an experience) last friday and friends-they were NOT good. Which, if you are following along with me in this journey, you know is actually 'good' for my ultimate goal. I stopped breathing an average of 45 times an hour. This means that every time I stop breathing my brain goes--WHOA! She's not breathing! Wake her up!! It sends a message to make that happen and one of the results of this process is that acid builds up in the blood. Over time the acidity in the blood can lead to heart damage which is why this is one of those 'morbidity' things. My blood oxygen level was about 80% and from my brief research on the topic you want to keep your level over 90% to be healthy. I knew that things with me were not good...I'm tired all of the time..slightly grumpy...etc..but I didn't know it was this bad. They got me scheduled for another sleep test and this time it was for the following night..just how you want to spend your saturday night, right? Hooked up to some sensors? The bonus for this test though was that I would be attempting to sleep with a cpap machine mask on. The machine shoots air through a hose which is attached to a mask that's placed on your face. I prefer to sleep with my mouth closed so we tried a nasal only mask as the full mask made me feel claustrophobic (further confirming my suspicions that I'll never be able to scuba dive--that mask makes me feel trapped). My sleep tech this time was a guy named Will and there was only one other patient at the lab that night so..yeah. That's just weird. I never saw her. I was all sensored up and masked by 9:30 and he turned the lights out on me about 9:45. I watched an episode of Doctor Who on my iPad because I wasn't sleepy yet-and I bet I looked really funny. With the mask on I can't wear my glasses-but it was also difficult to move again because of the sensors and the mask impeding my mobility. So I kind of held the iPad to my left side and watched with just my left eye--the mask made it so that I'd have to hold the iPad out further to see with both eyes...and I'm so blind that I can't really hold it that far away and still see it clearly! lol. So, I was getting sleepy after the episode but when I went to turn it off I had another small burst of energy....I read for a few minutes but then I just got so sleepy! The air constantly pushing through the mask really forced me to breathe clearly and deeply and I found myself drifting off into never-never land. I woke up some time later--maybe around 2:30? And I was like..BAM. READY TO GO! I had slept very deeply and my body isn't really used to it so after about 3 and a half hours it was fully rested. Which was a problem though because I still had a few hours left in the lab. Will, who is monitoring my brain waves this whole time (so weird), can tell that I'm awake and suggests that I try to sleep on my side for a bit. I tried, but the mask wasn't really suited for it and kept blowing a little stream of air right onto my eye socket which is annoying. I got hot..threw off the covers...and turned back on my back...and next thing I know I'm having a dream about being COLD. I wake up and realize I want those covers back on..get them back on and then drift off again. Will woke me up at about 4:50am...he said they got enough for the sleep study and that we were good. So...if I thought I was ready to go at 2:30..I was even more ready at 5am. I can't even believe what a difference it made to sleep with the mask-and now that my body knows the difference it's like..hey, um..can we get that back? Pretty please?!? Will assured me that I did really well with the mask and that my body acclimated itself to it like a champ. Yay for me. I have a follow up appointment in a few weeks (couldn't fit into my schedule this week) and hopefully I'll be getting set up with a machine of my own.

It's kind of disconcerting on some level to know that from now on I'll have to sleep with a machine on in order to get a good night's sleep and I'm sure it'll take some adjustment to really get used to wearing the mask (it wasn't exactly comfortable)..but I felt so great on Sunday..so even keeled and level headed. I haven't felt like that in a long time-and I didn't even know what I was missing. My next step in the process is attending a weight loss surgery information session with Sentara..it's free (yay) and I've got it in about two weeks. But, we're really doing this. This is happening. Pretty crazy.