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I was going to post this as a Facebook status..but it was getting a little on the long side..so I shall blog it.

Basically...I'm nowhere near where I want to be, physically.  I'm closer than I was two years ago, or even a year ago...but I still have a long way to go. Even knowing how far I've come though- I'm still vulnerable to words. I know I use my sense of humor as a deflector. It comes in handy when trying to protect myself from harsh situations..and it gets me in trouble when I use it sarcastically a little too much. I apologize if you feel that I've ever been flippant with you. Believe me, it wasn't meant to be as hurtful as it probably came across. I kind of feel like Meg Ryan's character in "You've Got Mail":

"I was able, for the first time in my life to say the exact thing I wanted to say at the exact moment I wanted to say it. And, of course, afterwards, I felt terrible, just as you said I would. I was cruel, and I'm never cruel. And even though I can hardly believe what I said mattered to this man - to him, I am just a bug to be crushed - but what if it did? No matter what he's done to me, there is no excuse for my behavior."

I say this all to say...I had someone say something this weekend that just...hurt me to the core. To my innermost being..and it was just a flippant thing that they probably didn't mean hurtfully--but I have had trouble moving past it. Like I said, I know how far I've come and all the work that I've done to get to where I am now--but at that moment it felt like all that work? It was for nothing. People still look at me and see a fat girl. I am a fat girl. It's a fact. I'm sure if this person knew that what they said had affected me on such a profound level then they would be devastated..and it's really not even about them. It's about me. I am choosing to take what they said as impetus to do better. To continue on this journey. It's not an overnight trip..it's not a week vacation..it's more like a pilgrimage to a new world to set up a new settlement. I will continue to have wonderful moments on this journey..and I will continue to struggle with setbacks...but I will travel on.

I saw the Shins in concert last night and one of my favorites of theirs is this song called Caring is Creepy. I leave you with the lyrics:

I think i'll go home and mull this over 
Before i cram it down my throat 
At long last it's crashed, it's colossal mass 
Has broken up into bits in my moat. 

Lift the mattress off the floor 
Walk the cramps off 
Go meander in the cold 
Hail to your dark skin 
Hiding the fact you're dead again 
Undeneath the power lines seeking shade 
Far above our heads are the icy heights that contain all reason 

It's a luscious mix of words and tricks 
That let us bet when you know we should fold 
On rocks i dreamt of where we'd stepped 
And the whole mess of roads we're now on. 

Hold your glass up, hold it in 
Never betray the way you've always known it is. 
One day i'll be wondering how 
I got so old just wondering how 
I never got cold wearing nothing in the snow. 

This is way beyond my remote concern 
Of being condescending 

All these squawking birds won't quit. 
Building nothing, laying bricks.

SO, this the thing....

Hi


I haven't written in quite a while.



There's a reason...

It's not a good one.

But it's a reason.


You see...this is the thing. Every time I go to start to write something, I read it back and I'm like: this is stupid. No one will want to read this. Delete. Move on. But tonight-it needs to be out there, so here goes.


I mostly keep everyone up to date on my facebook, but I haven't been posting on there as much with the personal stuff (although I'm full of crazy cat pictures and george takei shares)....because this journey that I'm on? I love sharing it with you. I do. But, it's gotten really personal. I hit a certain amount of weight lost and I kind of lost my mind for a bit. To look at me you wouldn't have been able to tell. I was still working at it. Running (good lord, the running!), exercising in general...running races..but, inwardly I was struggling. Am struggling. And I finally decided to do something about it. I needed to talk to someone. Someone who isn't related to me. Someone who has an opinion about things, but isn't my friend. Someone with a degree and is able to talk about these things. So, this week marks my fifth session with a psychologist. She's great and we are making a lot of progress (I think). She's helped me talk through some things that happened in my past, some things that happened in the not too distant past, and ways to equip myself for the future and dealing with 'stuff'. Because the way I used to deal with stuff? It wasn't there for me anymore..well, it was-but I had to walk away. Food has always represented comfort and safety for me-but I've had to learn to look at it as what it really is-fuel. And while I'm making those adjustments I had to make sure that I wasn't taking one addiction and just substituting it with another: exercise. The running thing I started because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it..and guess what? I can. Since I last posted here..? I've run a 10 miler, several 5k's and a mud run...and, the biggie: a half marathon. I never thought I would ever say that in a million years. Along the way I've had some amazing supporters and I couldn't have done it without you. Your kind words, encouragements and prayers have helped me battle the inner demons that tell me I can't do it. That I'm not good enough..no one will want to love me...that I must look foolish running...etc. You name the self negative talk..and I've had it. I think that I have come a long way, especially in the last 6-8 months. I had to make some tough decisions about who I want to be, and how I want people to perceive me. And maybe to not care what they think. The only thing that matters is how I view myself and how God views me. And He loves me. He's proven it to me in oh so many ways over and over. I don't want to get all preachy on you all here-but do you know Him? Have you talked with Him? He's waiting for you. I hope that you listen to His call.

That's all for my rambling right now. I had to take a week break from running to nurse an 'ouchie' knee and today was my first tentative run back after it. And it. was. amazing. I loved it. Wow. So, I have a few races that are "maybes" coming up but two that I'm running for sure. The Annapolis 10 miler on August 24th, and the Rock n' Roll Half Marathon in VB on September 1st. I welcome anyone to come and cheer me along the way. I will usually just post my run on my Nike app after I've finished a run, but can you do me a solid? If I post on Facebook that I'm currently on a run through Nike--it's because I need those cheers! Every time someone likes the activity or comments on it the app literally plays the noise of a crowd cheering and noise makers. It's awesome. So, thanks in advance for that. I love you. I'm here for you. Message me if you have any questions about anything I've said in this blog post. Or if you need a hug. Hugging is my favorite.

-g'nite