Sigh

warning: emo rant ahead.

remind me to never look at pictures of myself running..ever again. EVER. horrible. just..awful. I can't imagine what i looked like before I lost 78 pounds. I mean..the belly...it's just..wow. Horrible.

The Last Thing I wanted to do...

And I mean the very last thing I wanted to do tonight was head to the gym and meet my trainer. I fought it the whole way but I knew that if I put him off that he actually wouldn't let me put him off. He's kind of awesome about that...in the short time that we've been working together he's figured out just when he can push me-and when to give me a break (albeit a SMALL one). He helped me get ready for the 10K I ran last Saturday by getting my core strengthened and making me run in between all of these horrible exercises I swear are in some torture manual somewhere. And then he'd have me do another round. Or two. But that is what makes him a good trainer. There is no way on earth that I would have pushed myself to do even half of what he made me do-even knowing what we've worked on...the thought of having to recreate it without him encouraging me along the way makes me doubtful that I'll actually do it. Today's routine started like normal-with a warmup run on the treadmill-normally it's a mile but today he made it a mile and a half. From there on out each set was punctuated by a quarter mile run on the treadmill. As I was doing the last one I huff/puffed said to him-you know...a lot of this exercise thing is mental. He agreed and pointed out that the knowledge of knowing that I could do what he put me through will carry me through that next race I train for. The big one is coming up--I took the plunge and signed up for a 10 miler. A few crazy people are going to do it with me. I love them for it (they know who they are). I never in a billion gazillion years thought I would be this person that does these run things. But I like it.

Here are a few pictures from this past weekend's Wicked 10K. It was a blast.

Dave, Jenn and myself post-race

Why yes. I did wear my wicked shirt/medal all day!

I just couldn't find a necklace to wear the next day so I had to wear my medal. Of course

My official time was 1 hour 18 mins 20 secs (but I like this one better)

Official placement..7, 264 runners and I wasn't last! Yay!

Whoa. Two blog posts in one day

This might be a record.

Tonight would have been the perfect night to open the sunroof, crank open the windows, turn on the heated seat and cruise down an empty highway singing your heart out to the lyrics of your chosen band-preferably emo/cathartic in nature. (For me it would have been the Promise by When in Rome) But with gas prices the way that they are I had to forego that pleasure this evening. Plus I had places to be and things to do. 

One thing I have been spending a lot of money lately on is registering and preparing for various races. The shirt I ordered to wear this Saturday for the Blue Moon Wicked 10K just came in today. It's nothing exciting-just a black Nike dri-fit short sleeved running shirt, but I couldn't find the one I wanted in the store and I am dressing up like a bee. I have antenna and wings from last year and my mom is making me a black and yellow tutu to wear over my outfit. I don't want to wear anything too cumbersome as I will be running the furthest I have ever run before and frankly (and here we are at the point of this post tonight)-I am terrified.

I am afraid that I will stop running and not be able to start again. 

I am afraid that I will fall. 

I am afraid that people will laugh at me. 

I am afraid that I will let everybody down.

I am afraid that I will let myself down.

I am afraid that no one will turn up to cheer me on.

I am afraid that people WILL turn up to cheer me on.

I am afraid. 

I have been working so hard and for so long. Not just in preparing for this race, but for everything. For sticking with Weight Watchers even though I have wanted to quit and am in a horrible plateau. I've never been in better shape, but I stil have so far to go! It's overwhelming. 

I was looking for quotes from one of my favorites-Eleanor Roosevelt-and this one I think will help get me through this next hurdle:

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself. 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

If you know me at all or follow me on Facebook you'll know that I have been working with a personal trainer and it has been cathartic. He's pushed me to places I never thought I would be able to go and made me run yet another mile after it because he could see in me that I could do it. And I did. I hope to live up to the confidence that he has in me. He told me-see--after all of that-you could do another mile. Remember that when you think you can't go any farther-that day in that session that one time-you did another mile after all the stuff I put you through. So, come cheer me on this Saturday. It is a really fun race to watch (my God the COSTUMES! Hilarious!)..but besides that-you can watch me conquer fear head on.

Here is a link to the course map.

The Danger of Self Pity

I don't have any words of wisdom, personally, on this--only that I saw this posted somewhere else today and it really helped me put things in perspective. They are from Stephen Fry, actor, writer, amazing person...and the website I'm copying/pasting them from is: pootability and here are his words (taken from a television interview):

Certainly the most destructive vice, if you like, that a person can have – more than pride, which is supposedly the number one of the cardinal sins – is self-pity. I think self-pity is the worst possible emotion anyone can have. And the most destructive.

It is, to slightly paraphrase what Wilde said about hatred (and I think that hatred is a subset of self-pity, not the other way around) it destroys everything around it except itself.

Self-pity will destroy relationships; it will destroy anything that’s good, it will fulfill all the prophecies it makes and leave only itself. It is so simple to imagine that one is hard done by and that things are unfair and that one is under-appreciated and that if only one had a chance at this or if only one had a chance at that things would have gone better: you would be happier if only this.. that one is unlucky. All those things. And some of them may well even be true.

But to pity oneself as a result of them, is to do oneself an enormous disservice. [..] I almost wanted once to publish a self-help book saying “How to be happy” by Stephen Fry.

“Guaranteed success” And then people would buy this huge book and it’s all blank pages. And the first page would just say:

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself and you will be happy. Use the rest of the book to write down your interesting thoughts and drawings.” And that’s what the book would be and it would be true. It sounds like “oh, that’s so simple.” But, of course, it’s not simple to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Bloody hard. Because we do feel sorry for ourselves.

PeePeeVille and other matters

Whenever I drop off the face of the earth blog-wise you can assume that I'm involved in another show. This one is called Urinetown: The Musical and it's HI-larious. generictheater.org to reserve your tickets. We run through Sep 23 with performances on Th/Fri/Sat at 8pm and Sundays at 2:30pm. This is probably one of the best shows I've been involved in-don't miss it!

In other news..I'm still playing piano/singing at my church. My dad and I are doing a duet this Sunday and I want you to consider this your personal invitation to come hear us and to try my church out. Who? You. Yes, you. It's London Bridge Baptist Church, 2460 Potters Rd, Virginia Beach, VA. The service is at 10am. This song, from the moment I read the words-much less listened to it, just..wow. It's going to be one that will be difficult to get through without breaking down in tears. I will post the lyrics here..of course it's by Selah-one of my favorite groups. Which, actually i didn't know until I googled the title. Anyways. Check it out:

Selah - Unredeemed Lyrics

Artist: Selah

Album: You Deliver Me

• Songwriters: Chad Cates, Brian David Petak, Tony Wood

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The cruelest word, the coldest heart
The deepest wound, the endless dark
The lonely ache, the burning tears
The bitter nights, the wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered
Is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope

We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered
Is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed

Oh, He will wipe every tear
Will not be, be unredeemed

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle the Father has in store
Just watch and see, it will not be
Just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed

(the end)

I hope to see you there....

Sundays..sigh...I mean, right?

Every now and then I fancy myself as something of a somewhat good writer. Then I read something really well written and I'm like...yeah. Me? Not so much. I'll attempt to keep writing this blog though. I suppose you'll never get better at something unless you keep practicing. Sunday afternoons/evenings are a bit of a strange time for me. I'm not really dreading going back to work, per se..I'm just dreading getting back into a 'routine'. I hate routines. It helps when I have a show going on-because after work I have rehearsal to look forward to. A lot of my good friends are in this show so it's like bonus hang out time. But, Sundays...yeah. Today I just wanted to be mostly lazy and I think I made a pretty good job out of it. I mean-I did take a nap..and watch a lot of Law and Order: Criminal Intent...But I also bought a ukelele, went to the gym. Since we're about to be in the last two weeks of rehearsal I probably won't have a lot of gym time. I did try to stay off of Facebook-but that dang site pulls me in. I have made a concerted effort to not be on it as much during the week because it's such a time-sucker. But my weekends are a bit more free and it just pulls me right back in. Plus, who else is going to post the funny pictures I find on the interwebz?

On a serious note though-Sunday afternoon/evenings can be a dangerous time for me because I have time to think/analyze/pick apart details of any event I happen to think of. And get depressed. Today I posted a picture of some scripture that was preached at service today-and I've read that passage before but it was like I had never seen it before. It's the 'as the deer' psalm..the rest of it is really kind of depressing-and eventually resolves in the next chapter-but something about it really touched home today.

I think ultimately what it comes down to when I get like this-is just that I'm lonely. Yes, I have a ton of friends..but my heart continues to desire to have a companion. I wish it wasn't so-but that seems to be how I'm wired. So, while it doesn't happen-I will continue to pray for my future person. Whoever you are-I hope you are well and I can't wait to meet you.

shortest blog entry ever.

I told someone that I could handle something. And at the time, I think I really thought I could. I have come to realize that I can't. Now that I have realized this I know that I need to start acting accordingly to protect myself. I wish things could be a certain way-but they never will be. Today I will grieve it. Tomorrow is a new day.