As I went to bed this past Labor Day, after a day of being struck by a rampant stomach bug at my (bless their hearts) friends' family's timeshare in the Outer Banks, I had a little time to contemplate life and existence. Don't you often do that after staring point blank at the toilet bowl for a few hours? I thought about high school and junior high days and how I used to dread Labor Day because it meant the next day I'd be back in another school year, where I'd be forced to wear shoes everyday, put on something other than my bathing suit on a regular basis and be forced to read books I didn't want to. And do (horrified gasp) math! I can be such a contrary soul--tell me I "HAVE" to read something and my hackles rise! I'd rather read works of great literature because I want to enjoy them, not to be forced to find themes and analyze story structure (although now I do see the pros in doing so). Tell me I have to solve a math problem a certain way and I will try and figure out how to do it my OWN way. Nevermind if it works out or not....thank God for calculators is all I have to say.
Where it All Led Me
I often wonder, at 31 years old, what my life would have been like if I'd just been a little bit more disciplined with myself back in high school. If I'd just applied myself a little bit more. Sure, I took Honors courses, and even AP History (just the thought of that class makes my stomach clench in anxiety) and AP Music Theory (a joke of a class, if ever there was one). And I did well in these classes-even made it into the National Honor's Society (much to my own shock, senior year-lol) and graduated 'with honors'. I don't feel that I became a critical thinker. I was too content with people telling me how things were and accepting them rather than stepping back and questioning what was being thrown at me.
My undergrad degree turned out to be much of the same. Although minoring in English in my Senior year was a step in the right direction. Honesty time though-I only arrived at that minor after realizing I needed something to fill up some upper course hours in electives. Plus, I realized it would be cool to say that I have a Bachelor of Music in Vocal Performance with a Minor in English. Most people's response to hearing my degree: So, what do you DO with that? Me: Umm...go to grad school?
You Mean I Have to Work at It? Huh?
Speaking of music--I have the same problem-no discipline! Not to sound overconfident or anything-but I can sight read pretty well and so I was able to fake my way through a lot of years of piano lessons. I'm able to play, and am getting better every day now with regular playing at church, but I can't help but wonder what my skill would have been if I'd only applied myself back in the day. Singing also comes naturally to me. I love it, but even when I was majoring in it-I had a hard time making myself practice. I sound like a guidance counselor or your Mom, don't I? Be disciplined! Apply yourself! Question Authority! (well, maybe not that last one).
Now I am in the last semester of a long trek towards slowly earning a graduate degree, basically one class at a time. I'll be awarded a Master of Arts in Communication in the Critical Studies track (ironically). Most people's response to hearing what my degree will be: So, what will you do with that? Me: Umm...write?
Finding Your Passion
I was talking with a friend today about people who have passion. She was bemoaning the fact that she 'likes' doing a lot of things, but that she doesn't have a real passion for anything. Not that she's found so far. I think she's amazing at many things and that her passion will be revealed in due time, just maybe not in the timing she prefers.
As for me and my passion, I think my core passion is music. I love everything about music; listening to it, preparing it, composing it (although that's another victim of my lack of discipline), performing it, sharing it with others. There's nothing like finding that next new band and wanting to share it with everyone! It makes me feel alive! Not just the new stuff, but treasuring the music of the past as well. I feel the same way about film and television, although I feel less equipped to talk about them due to my lack of experience in it, although I'm working on it.
I will graduate this December with my future wide open. If you follow me on Facebook at all you might have noticed that status updates lately have been ones of hopes and contemplations for the future. I'm relishing the thought of the endless possibilities. I hope you'll be there with me.
