Thursday Ramblings

A few rambly/angsty things to express on this Thursday afternoon:


1) Being a responsible, bill-paying, law-abiding, person-respecting adult is DIFFICULT

2) I set my expectations too high

3) I am invariably disappointed

4) I don't change my way of doing things-even though #3 and #4 are always true....

5) I hate waiting

6) I really hate waiting

7) I'm in a waiting period of my life right now

8) I hate waiting


In the meantime, I just do what I can do. One moment at a time--attempting to not bite people's heads off.

Post Show Blues

It's always rough ending a show. You've spent a lot of time with these people and the thing that held you together for so long is ending. You're left wondering if your friendships were real or if they were just for the moment. I am typically one that clings to those moments. I relive them, over-analyze them..and wonder if the other people felt the same way I did. I hope they do. We're two days out and the reality probably won't set in until the weekend, when I won't have to head to the theater, plug in my hot curlers and get ready for the show. It's hit me in random moments already here and there, and my eyes start to well up-especially since things ended on a weird note...but, I digress. I will miss playing that role-even though she took a lot out of me-I'd do it again in a heartbeat. And that's why I keep doing these things-even though my heart breaks every time it's over.

Blog News

I have started posting my more amusing online dating stories on a new blog I've started:

awkwardcupid.blogspot.com

So far I have a few stories up and I am asking that readers send in their own stories to share as well. Let's all commiserate together! You can submit your stories to: awkwardcupidstories@gmail.com

I look forward to hearing from you!

I will continue to post my personal blogs here..this is like my online journal where I spout all my 'shtuff'.

=)

Food Baby

There is a pattern in my life. I get obsessed with something and devote all of my time to it. The obsession wanes and then I move on. In the realm of weight loss it was weight watchers for the first year and running for the 2nd year but now we're coming up on year 3 and I haven't lost much weight since last year...and I actually have put a few pounds on since the end of 2013. Nine pounds in particular. I'm naming that nine pound food baby "Next to Normal" and as of now, I'm putting it up for adoption! I did three shows in a row starting with 9-5: The Musical and for each show I noticed my good habits slowly slipping away (like sands in the hour glass...) but I got so busy that I just didn't take the time to fix it. I also bought a house in the midst of all of that. Now that my latest show has opened and I have a few weeks before I even think about auditioning for anything else I find myself renewed in purpose! Even though I haven't been going to Weight Watchers I have continued to pay for it-so I went and weighed in yesterday after hitting the gym up for the first time in over a month. It wasn't pretty. But-it gives me a jumping off spot and overall I've still maintained a lot of my initial weight loss. I just have to keep on keeping on-and not let life distract me!

Next to Normal

I have been given the opportunity to portray a dream role of mine-Diana Goodman.

We open this Friday and if you're in the area please come check us out.

Tickets:  https://app.arts-people.com/index.php?show=33654

Reflections of a busy 30something...pointless post...

As I stare down the barrel of being closer to thirty-shmeven instead of thirty-shmix...I realize I am relatively happy with my life. The last year especially has brought a lot of change but it was the two years previous to that brought a lot of physical and mental challenges. Those changes/growth/developments all enabled me to get to the place where I'm okay with where my life has headed. I dealt with some evils (mental and physical), run a lot of races, been injured, done a lot of shows, bought a house...left my cat with my parents and then let another one in my life (he's really cute)...what a whirlwind. I'm in the midst of prep for another show and it's taken a lot out of me. To the point where I'm wondering if it's worth it (it is), but when I'm really tired, and I've lost sleep over concern for this character and what she's doing...I'm wondering if it's time to take a break? I probably won't...in fact, I have another audition sunday..but, in all this running around and prep...I've sacrificed the physical dedication I had put into my body before all this happened. And I feel it. When is enough, enough? When will I learn? I'm still figuring that out.

This blog didn't have much point...I just needed to get some rambling out there.

Wow, been a while...

SO much has happened. I'll have to have a bigger blog, later..but..lots of big things. Big, good Things!!

Through the Lens...

"I would ask all people who do not pursue their dreams to at least make sure that the only time that's being wasted is their own."

Recently my best friend's mother asked if she could do a photo shoot of me. Just me. She's been taking classes and wanted to work on her craft. I hesitated only because I have such a love/hate relationship with the camera. I have spent many years avoiding it or trying to control the view of what is captured of me and it was scary to just let go and let someone direct me. I decided to go ahead and do it, even though I'm not physically where I want to be yet-I have to embrace the body I am in..love/hate relationship with it and all...

 "peekaboo"

 "oh hey..i didn't see you there.."

 "tiny harmonica"

 "gazing into the sunset" (probably my favorite)

 "nonsense"

 "contemplations"

 "pleeeeasseee...?"

 "gonna hide behind this hat"

"no words"

Running Clothes..yay!

I wanted to update and let everyone know (whoever is reading this) that I ordered some compression shorts from Old Navy and they are perfect! I ordered a size larger than I normally would have because of the reviews that were posted about them. They fit great in the waist and do what I need them to do up there but are just a wee bit big where they end on my thighs. But I can live with that-in fact I don't even notice that when I am running. I plan on ordering a few more pairs and am looking forward to running more in them!

CLOTHES. RUNNING. BAH

I am having the HARDEST time finding weather appropriate clothing to run in now that it's gotten hot. I need something that is going to hold me in where I need to be (the tummy and upper thigh areas), but also be light material and on the short side (pants wise-my legs sweat!).  Shirts I'm doing fine in-they're shirts...but capris are just too long and all of the compression shorts that I've tried so far haven't held me where I need it to feel secure. In the last week alone I have gone out on a run twice now only to turn back and change my clothes! It's frustrating and discouraging.

That's all for now. I'll be tread-milling it today because this morning's run just didn't work out. 3 miles..go. (ugh)

For Now

I find that I often lack the power to aptly describe what is happening in my life and lyrics help me express it in a way I may not be able to. I'm having a time like that right now. There's a delightful, irreverent show called Avenue Q that skewers with humor and pathos. In particular, for me, the lyrics from "For Now" have been racking up frequent flyer miles as I go through a bit of a trial in my personal life. It's nothing that I won't recover from, but it's taking longer than I had anticipated. The part of the song that's especially sticking in there is: 

"For now we're happy...


If not overjoyed.


And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid, for now..."

Acceptance of something that will seemingly have no resolution is hard. If something happens that sucks..and I don't understand it, and there is no line of communication built to rectify it--I'm without ammunition. I cannot comprehend it. And I HATE that. But, it has happened and now I must pick up the pieces and rebuild. 

I would say that I would hope that I would be a little less trusting and a little quicker to guard my heart in the future-but I know myself. I won't do it. When you get me-you get me 100%. I spent the better part of this week wistfully wishing that I could be a robot and just file all extraneous emotion away into a lockbox, which I would then shove out of a boat in the middle of the deep blue sea. But I'm not going to do that and it would be against my nature. Things are going to happen that suck. So, future me..? If you're looking back and reading this-remember how much your heart hurt in this situation...and be glad you're not in it anymore. Don't worry about tomorrow-just get through today. And if, at the end of the day, you can look around and count more blessings than curses-then you've won.

Words, words, words...I'm so sick of words!

Hi. Me again. So, again...words. Labels. Thoughts...twisting and boiling. This one I  haven't even talked to anybody about yet--it's been too painful to think about. Anyways-here goes..

This past saturday morning I met a friend at a local, popular park to do a training run for the half marathon coming up. She could only fit in a partial run with me since she has kids with many activities to shuttle. After she left I was determined to finish my four mile run on my own even though it was VERY humid and getting hotter by the minute. It was also becoming more crowded, so as I'm working my way around the path I pass a young man.  He was walking at a brisk pace, but not running, and listening to something on headphones. As I passed him others were coming from the other way and it was a tight fit for a second. Under his breath I hear him mutter....


"watch it, fatso".

Um.

Excuse me?

Did I hear him correctly?

Oh no...he DIDN'T.

But he did.

I turned around and jogged backwards for a few steps and said "what did you just say to me?"

He wouldn't look at me,,

This confirmed what I thought he said.

I, turned back around and finished my run. And I have to tell you-that was the hardest run I have ever completed. I didn't need his negative comment. I have enough negative self talk happening as it is-thank you, sir. And I know that what he said only reflected negatively on him. And I know that old saying attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. I know this. But-it just sucked. And sometimes things just are awful and there is nothing you can do about it. I will continue to run. I will continue to lose weight--but that guy? He'll always be an a$$.

Labels

I was going to post this as a Facebook status..but it was getting a little on the long side..so I shall blog it.

Basically...I'm nowhere near where I want to be, physically.  I'm closer than I was two years ago, or even a year ago...but I still have a long way to go. Even knowing how far I've come though- I'm still vulnerable to words. I know I use my sense of humor as a deflector. It comes in handy when trying to protect myself from harsh situations..and it gets me in trouble when I use it sarcastically a little too much. I apologize if you feel that I've ever been flippant with you. Believe me, it wasn't meant to be as hurtful as it probably came across. I kind of feel like Meg Ryan's character in "You've Got Mail":

"I was able, for the first time in my life to say the exact thing I wanted to say at the exact moment I wanted to say it. And, of course, afterwards, I felt terrible, just as you said I would. I was cruel, and I'm never cruel. And even though I can hardly believe what I said mattered to this man - to him, I am just a bug to be crushed - but what if it did? No matter what he's done to me, there is no excuse for my behavior."

I say this all to say...I had someone say something this weekend that just...hurt me to the core. To my innermost being..and it was just a flippant thing that they probably didn't mean hurtfully--but I have had trouble moving past it. Like I said, I know how far I've come and all the work that I've done to get to where I am now--but at that moment it felt like all that work? It was for nothing. People still look at me and see a fat girl. I am a fat girl. It's a fact. I'm sure if this person knew that what they said had affected me on such a profound level then they would be devastated..and it's really not even about them. It's about me. I am choosing to take what they said as impetus to do better. To continue on this journey. It's not an overnight trip..it's not a week vacation..it's more like a pilgrimage to a new world to set up a new settlement. I will continue to have wonderful moments on this journey..and I will continue to struggle with setbacks...but I will travel on.

I saw the Shins in concert last night and one of my favorites of theirs is this song called Caring is Creepy. I leave you with the lyrics:

I think i'll go home and mull this over 
Before i cram it down my throat 
At long last it's crashed, it's colossal mass 
Has broken up into bits in my moat. 

Lift the mattress off the floor 
Walk the cramps off 
Go meander in the cold 
Hail to your dark skin 
Hiding the fact you're dead again 
Undeneath the power lines seeking shade 
Far above our heads are the icy heights that contain all reason 

It's a luscious mix of words and tricks 
That let us bet when you know we should fold 
On rocks i dreamt of where we'd stepped 
And the whole mess of roads we're now on. 

Hold your glass up, hold it in 
Never betray the way you've always known it is. 
One day i'll be wondering how 
I got so old just wondering how 
I never got cold wearing nothing in the snow. 

This is way beyond my remote concern 
Of being condescending 

All these squawking birds won't quit. 
Building nothing, laying bricks.

SO, this the thing....

Hi


I haven't written in quite a while.



There's a reason...

It's not a good one.

But it's a reason.


You see...this is the thing. Every time I go to start to write something, I read it back and I'm like: this is stupid. No one will want to read this. Delete. Move on. But tonight-it needs to be out there, so here goes.


I mostly keep everyone up to date on my facebook, but I haven't been posting on there as much with the personal stuff (although I'm full of crazy cat pictures and george takei shares)....because this journey that I'm on? I love sharing it with you. I do. But, it's gotten really personal. I hit a certain amount of weight lost and I kind of lost my mind for a bit. To look at me you wouldn't have been able to tell. I was still working at it. Running (good lord, the running!), exercising in general...running races..but, inwardly I was struggling. Am struggling. And I finally decided to do something about it. I needed to talk to someone. Someone who isn't related to me. Someone who has an opinion about things, but isn't my friend. Someone with a degree and is able to talk about these things. So, this week marks my fifth session with a psychologist. She's great and we are making a lot of progress (I think). She's helped me talk through some things that happened in my past, some things that happened in the not too distant past, and ways to equip myself for the future and dealing with 'stuff'. Because the way I used to deal with stuff? It wasn't there for me anymore..well, it was-but I had to walk away. Food has always represented comfort and safety for me-but I've had to learn to look at it as what it really is-fuel. And while I'm making those adjustments I had to make sure that I wasn't taking one addiction and just substituting it with another: exercise. The running thing I started because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it..and guess what? I can. Since I last posted here..? I've run a 10 miler, several 5k's and a mud run...and, the biggie: a half marathon. I never thought I would ever say that in a million years. Along the way I've had some amazing supporters and I couldn't have done it without you. Your kind words, encouragements and prayers have helped me battle the inner demons that tell me I can't do it. That I'm not good enough..no one will want to love me...that I must look foolish running...etc. You name the self negative talk..and I've had it. I think that I have come a long way, especially in the last 6-8 months. I had to make some tough decisions about who I want to be, and how I want people to perceive me. And maybe to not care what they think. The only thing that matters is how I view myself and how God views me. And He loves me. He's proven it to me in oh so many ways over and over. I don't want to get all preachy on you all here-but do you know Him? Have you talked with Him? He's waiting for you. I hope that you listen to His call.

That's all for my rambling right now. I had to take a week break from running to nurse an 'ouchie' knee and today was my first tentative run back after it. And it. was. amazing. I loved it. Wow. So, I have a few races that are "maybes" coming up but two that I'm running for sure. The Annapolis 10 miler on August 24th, and the Rock n' Roll Half Marathon in VB on September 1st. I welcome anyone to come and cheer me along the way. I will usually just post my run on my Nike app after I've finished a run, but can you do me a solid? If I post on Facebook that I'm currently on a run through Nike--it's because I need those cheers! Every time someone likes the activity or comments on it the app literally plays the noise of a crowd cheering and noise makers. It's awesome. So, thanks in advance for that. I love you. I'm here for you. Message me if you have any questions about anything I've said in this blog post. Or if you need a hug. Hugging is my favorite.

-g'nite

Sigh

warning: emo rant ahead.

remind me to never look at pictures of myself running..ever again. EVER. horrible. just..awful. I can't imagine what i looked like before I lost 78 pounds. I mean..the belly...it's just..wow. Horrible.

The Last Thing I wanted to do...

And I mean the very last thing I wanted to do tonight was head to the gym and meet my trainer. I fought it the whole way but I knew that if I put him off that he actually wouldn't let me put him off. He's kind of awesome about that...in the short time that we've been working together he's figured out just when he can push me-and when to give me a break (albeit a SMALL one). He helped me get ready for the 10K I ran last Saturday by getting my core strengthened and making me run in between all of these horrible exercises I swear are in some torture manual somewhere. And then he'd have me do another round. Or two. But that is what makes him a good trainer. There is no way on earth that I would have pushed myself to do even half of what he made me do-even knowing what we've worked on...the thought of having to recreate it without him encouraging me along the way makes me doubtful that I'll actually do it. Today's routine started like normal-with a warmup run on the treadmill-normally it's a mile but today he made it a mile and a half. From there on out each set was punctuated by a quarter mile run on the treadmill. As I was doing the last one I huff/puffed said to him-you know...a lot of this exercise thing is mental. He agreed and pointed out that the knowledge of knowing that I could do what he put me through will carry me through that next race I train for. The big one is coming up--I took the plunge and signed up for a 10 miler. A few crazy people are going to do it with me. I love them for it (they know who they are). I never in a billion gazillion years thought I would be this person that does these run things. But I like it.

Here are a few pictures from this past weekend's Wicked 10K. It was a blast.

Dave, Jenn and myself post-race

Why yes. I did wear my wicked shirt/medal all day!

I just couldn't find a necklace to wear the next day so I had to wear my medal. Of course

My official time was 1 hour 18 mins 20 secs (but I like this one better)

Official placement..7, 264 runners and I wasn't last! Yay!

Whoa. Two blog posts in one day

This might be a record.

Tonight would have been the perfect night to open the sunroof, crank open the windows, turn on the heated seat and cruise down an empty highway singing your heart out to the lyrics of your chosen band-preferably emo/cathartic in nature. (For me it would have been the Promise by When in Rome) But with gas prices the way that they are I had to forego that pleasure this evening. Plus I had places to be and things to do. 

One thing I have been spending a lot of money lately on is registering and preparing for various races. The shirt I ordered to wear this Saturday for the Blue Moon Wicked 10K just came in today. It's nothing exciting-just a black Nike dri-fit short sleeved running shirt, but I couldn't find the one I wanted in the store and I am dressing up like a bee. I have antenna and wings from last year and my mom is making me a black and yellow tutu to wear over my outfit. I don't want to wear anything too cumbersome as I will be running the furthest I have ever run before and frankly (and here we are at the point of this post tonight)-I am terrified.

I am afraid that I will stop running and not be able to start again. 

I am afraid that I will fall. 

I am afraid that people will laugh at me. 

I am afraid that I will let everybody down.

I am afraid that I will let myself down.

I am afraid that no one will turn up to cheer me on.

I am afraid that people WILL turn up to cheer me on.

I am afraid. 

I have been working so hard and for so long. Not just in preparing for this race, but for everything. For sticking with Weight Watchers even though I have wanted to quit and am in a horrible plateau. I've never been in better shape, but I stil have so far to go! It's overwhelming. 

I was looking for quotes from one of my favorites-Eleanor Roosevelt-and this one I think will help get me through this next hurdle:

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself. 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

If you know me at all or follow me on Facebook you'll know that I have been working with a personal trainer and it has been cathartic. He's pushed me to places I never thought I would be able to go and made me run yet another mile after it because he could see in me that I could do it. And I did. I hope to live up to the confidence that he has in me. He told me-see--after all of that-you could do another mile. Remember that when you think you can't go any farther-that day in that session that one time-you did another mile after all the stuff I put you through. So, come cheer me on this Saturday. It is a really fun race to watch (my God the COSTUMES! Hilarious!)..but besides that-you can watch me conquer fear head on.

Here is a link to the course map.

The Danger of Self Pity

I don't have any words of wisdom, personally, on this--only that I saw this posted somewhere else today and it really helped me put things in perspective. They are from Stephen Fry, actor, writer, amazing person...and the website I'm copying/pasting them from is: pootability and here are his words (taken from a television interview):

Certainly the most destructive vice, if you like, that a person can have – more than pride, which is supposedly the number one of the cardinal sins – is self-pity. I think self-pity is the worst possible emotion anyone can have. And the most destructive.

It is, to slightly paraphrase what Wilde said about hatred (and I think that hatred is a subset of self-pity, not the other way around) it destroys everything around it except itself.

Self-pity will destroy relationships; it will destroy anything that’s good, it will fulfill all the prophecies it makes and leave only itself. It is so simple to imagine that one is hard done by and that things are unfair and that one is under-appreciated and that if only one had a chance at this or if only one had a chance at that things would have gone better: you would be happier if only this.. that one is unlucky. All those things. And some of them may well even be true.

But to pity oneself as a result of them, is to do oneself an enormous disservice. [..] I almost wanted once to publish a self-help book saying “How to be happy” by Stephen Fry.

“Guaranteed success” And then people would buy this huge book and it’s all blank pages. And the first page would just say:

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself and you will be happy. Use the rest of the book to write down your interesting thoughts and drawings.” And that’s what the book would be and it would be true. It sounds like “oh, that’s so simple.” But, of course, it’s not simple to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Bloody hard. Because we do feel sorry for ourselves.

PeePeeVille and other matters

Whenever I drop off the face of the earth blog-wise you can assume that I'm involved in another show. This one is called Urinetown: The Musical and it's HI-larious. generictheater.org to reserve your tickets. We run through Sep 23 with performances on Th/Fri/Sat at 8pm and Sundays at 2:30pm. This is probably one of the best shows I've been involved in-don't miss it!

In other news..I'm still playing piano/singing at my church. My dad and I are doing a duet this Sunday and I want you to consider this your personal invitation to come hear us and to try my church out. Who? You. Yes, you. It's London Bridge Baptist Church, 2460 Potters Rd, Virginia Beach, VA. The service is at 10am. This song, from the moment I read the words-much less listened to it, just..wow. It's going to be one that will be difficult to get through without breaking down in tears. I will post the lyrics here..of course it's by Selah-one of my favorite groups. Which, actually i didn't know until I googled the title. Anyways. Check it out:

Selah - Unredeemed Lyrics

Artist: Selah

Album: You Deliver Me

• Songwriters: Chad Cates, Brian David Petak, Tony Wood

Please enable javascript to see this content.

The cruelest word, the coldest heart
The deepest wound, the endless dark
The lonely ache, the burning tears
The bitter nights, the wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered
Is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope

We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered
Is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed

Oh, He will wipe every tear
Will not be, be unredeemed

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle the Father has in store
Just watch and see, it will not be
Just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed

(the end)

I hope to see you there....

Sundays..sigh...I mean, right?

Every now and then I fancy myself as something of a somewhat good writer. Then I read something really well written and I'm like...yeah. Me? Not so much. I'll attempt to keep writing this blog though. I suppose you'll never get better at something unless you keep practicing. Sunday afternoons/evenings are a bit of a strange time for me. I'm not really dreading going back to work, per se..I'm just dreading getting back into a 'routine'. I hate routines. It helps when I have a show going on-because after work I have rehearsal to look forward to. A lot of my good friends are in this show so it's like bonus hang out time. But, Sundays...yeah. Today I just wanted to be mostly lazy and I think I made a pretty good job out of it. I mean-I did take a nap..and watch a lot of Law and Order: Criminal Intent...But I also bought a ukelele, went to the gym. Since we're about to be in the last two weeks of rehearsal I probably won't have a lot of gym time. I did try to stay off of Facebook-but that dang site pulls me in. I have made a concerted effort to not be on it as much during the week because it's such a time-sucker. But my weekends are a bit more free and it just pulls me right back in. Plus, who else is going to post the funny pictures I find on the interwebz?

On a serious note though-Sunday afternoon/evenings can be a dangerous time for me because I have time to think/analyze/pick apart details of any event I happen to think of. And get depressed. Today I posted a picture of some scripture that was preached at service today-and I've read that passage before but it was like I had never seen it before. It's the 'as the deer' psalm..the rest of it is really kind of depressing-and eventually resolves in the next chapter-but something about it really touched home today.

I think ultimately what it comes down to when I get like this-is just that I'm lonely. Yes, I have a ton of friends..but my heart continues to desire to have a companion. I wish it wasn't so-but that seems to be how I'm wired. So, while it doesn't happen-I will continue to pray for my future person. Whoever you are-I hope you are well and I can't wait to meet you.